The -Isms - Season Six - Xander Harris

Xanderisms

Season Six

Bargaining 1 & 2

Xander: Great googly moogly, Willow. Would you quit doing that?
Willow: I told you I was going to get the lay of the land.
Xander: But not the lay of my brain.
Anya: It's kind of intrusive. You could knock first or something.

I know, I know, I don't have to talk when I answer you. But I saw "The Fury" and that way lies spooky carnival death.

House of chicks, relax. I'm a man, and I have a tool. (pause) Tool. Lots of plural tools, in my, uh, toolbox.

Willow: And you're her sweet cookie-face.
Xander: I go by many names.

Anya: Give it!
Giles: No, you give it! Ow! Ow!!
Xander: Okay, when *I'm* marveling at the immaturity, be scared.

Anya: Yeah, from this desert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited-edition Backstreet Boys lunchbox for a...
Xander: (coughs)
Anya: A friend.

It's time? Like, TIME time?! With the.. timeliness?

Anya: Tomorrow?
Xander: I don't know.
Anya: Discovery Channel has monkeys. And our tape machine's all wonky...
Willow: Nobody's changing their minds, period.
Xander: Excuse me? Who made you the boss of the group?
Anya: You did.
Tara: You said Willow should be boss.
Anya: And then you said "let's vote," and it was unanimous.
Tara: And then you made her this little plaque that said "Boss of Us" and you put little sparkles on it...
Xander: Valid points all.

Xander: Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we A: congratulate ourselves on a job well done...?
Willow: Xander, this isn't zombies.
Anya: Zombies don't eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie masters. Lot of people get that wrong.

Willow: I had to get that thing.
Xander: Giles isn't around - you can dump the cryptic.

Xander: We got trouble, right here in Hellmouth City.

Xander: Okay, this is really starting to grate my cheese. These woods aren't that big. Now, I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North star.
Willow: Xander, that's not the North star. It's an airplane.
Xander: No, that's not an airplane. That's definitely... a blimp. But I can see how one would make that airplane mistake.

Willow: That spell took a lot out of me.
Xander: As, for example, snakes?

Do not get all avoidy on me.

Demons. Ah, there's something you don't see every day. Unless you're us.

We're being hunted and you're hello-ing a strange, fast-moving light in the dark?

Willow: Xander, it's not a bug. It's Tara.
Xander: And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?

This place is NORAD when we're at DefCon 1. (pause) Okay, I *so* need male friends.

Afterlife

Anya: I don't think she's particularly normal at all.
Xander: Well, she just got back. Give it time. I bet in a week she'll be our little Buff-erin again.
Anya: Oh, yes, six or seven days, that's all you really need to get over eternal hell experiences.

Look me in the eyes and tell me when you saw Buffy alive, that wasn't the happiest moment of your entire existence.

Xander: Very bad. Very, very, very bad. Bad.
Anya: He's all traumatized.

But what are we gonna do? I mean, I'm feeling the need for some vigorous doing, you know?

Dawn: What's the list?
Anya: Possible hitchhikers.
Xander: Demons that might have come out of hell the same time Buffy did.
Dawn: (reading) "Skaggmore demons, Trellbane demons, skitterers, large and small bone-eaters." If we get to pick, I say we go with the small bone-eaters.
Anya: Well, that just means they prefer to eat things with small bones. Like you.

We made a demon? Bad us.

Dawn: Xander, drive faster.
Xander: I can't.
Dawn: I could drive faster and I can't drive.
Anya: She's right. You're like a snail. A snail who's driving a car very slowly.

Anya: So now what? We have to talk in some sort of anti-demon secret code?
Xander: Ood-gay idea-yay, An-yay.

So they'll make it more solid so Buffy can kick its fully-embodied ass.

Flooded

Xander: And a big Sunnydale round of applause for Tito The Amazing -- Plumber Extraordinaire!
Tara: How's it looking down there?
Xander: Like we should start gathering up two of every animal.

Tara: Money's definitely becoming an issue.
Xander: As in, your being almost out of it.
Buffy: But, I haven't spent any money. I was all dead and frugal.

Anya: It's not *so* crazy.
Dawn: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives!
Anya: Spiderman does!
Dawn: He does not.
Anya: Does too!
Dawn: Does no... Xander?
Xander: Action is his reward.

'm supportive! I'm totally supportive! I'm a flying buttress of support.

Anya: Don't be such a wiener-dog! Look at them: researching demons for the billionth time. They could use a peppy boost of happy news.
Xander: You're right, I'll tell them... uh... as soon as Buffy and Willow come in.
Anya: Chicken!
Xander: Will you stop?
Anya: Dare you!
Xander: Anya, if I tell them right after you dare me to, wouldn't you always wonder if that's the only reason I did?
Anya: Oh.
Xander: Score one for Captain Logic!
Anya: No, no. Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel. God, I hate this! This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I'm closer to it.

Xander: That's it! Four hours. I'm calling it, people. This coffee table, it's gone. Dammit!
Dawn: Also, this lamp's in critical condition.
Willow: Well, let's take these things to the trash and give them a decent throwin' out!

Life Serial

Buffy: This is gonna be great! Diving into the workforce! Being the breadwinner! Building things with my hands!
Xander: Uh, actually you won't be building so much as lifting and toting.
Buffy: Toting?

That's the spirit! (to Buffy) Don't mind him. He may seem pig-ignorant and rude and a little hostile.

Buffy: Demons! There were three, big, apey things!
Xander: No! Not here. Not at my job! That's your job!
Buffy: I can't help where the forces of Darkness attack me, Xander!
Xander: Buffy, would you look at this mess. Do you have any idea how much it's gonna cost to repair this? And what am I supposed to say to the clients? Should I show them the demon bodies and say it was all their fault?
Buffy: You can't. They melted.

Xander: I think it's worth checking out. And I don't mean later. You need to see Giles right away. I'd start by IDing those demons.
Buffy: You're firing me, aren't you?
Xander: Big time.

All The Way

Store go boom. Arrr.

Xander: I'm gonna marry that girl.
Buffy: What? She's 15 and my sister, so don't even-- oh.

Buffy: Seems like only yesterday you had to pay a girl to date you.
Xander: Like I'd ever pay... define "date".

Xander: You got to know what to call 'em before they hit college.
Giles: Rupert is an exceptionally strong name.
Anya: (laughing) Yeah, if we want our progeny to eat paste and have their lunch money stolen.

Air. Sweet mother oxygen.

Deep pools of ooey delight. I'm wallowing, not drowning.

Anya: It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower. Where do we order obscenely muscular male strippers?
Xander: Anya!
Anya: Well, I'm kidding. Jeez.

Once More, With Feeling

Xander: Respect the cruller, and tame the doughnut!
Anya: That's still funny, sweetie.

Buffy: So did anybody... last night, you know, did anybody, um... burst into song?
Xander: Merciful Zeus!
Willow: We thought it was just us!
(all speaking at once)
Giles: Well, I sang, but I had my guitar at the hotel. That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see, and the synchronized dancing from the room-service chaps.
Willow: It was bizarre.
Tara: We were talking, and then it was like...
Buffy: Like you were in a musical?
Willow: We did a whole duet about dueling mushrooms...
Anya: ...and we were arguing and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies, and a dance with coconuts.
Willow: ...with the couscous.
Xander: It was very disturbing.

Buffy: But it seemed perfectly normal.
Xander: But disturbing, and not the natural order of things and do you think it'll happen again?

Xander: See, okay, that was disturbing.
Willow: I thought it was neat.

Xander: So what'd you sing about?
Dawn: Math.

You see the way they were with each other? The get-a-roominess to them? I bet they're... (notices Dawn) singing. They're probably singing right now.

Dawn: Besides, it's all kind of romantic.
Xander & Buffy: No, it's not.

Anya: You don't have to go to work?
Xander: No, I shut the crew down for the day. My guys started dancing around me. I don't know if I can deal. It's a flab thing. So, waffles?
Anya: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
Xander: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them.

Xander: It's a nightmare. It's a plague. It's like a nightmare about a plague.
(overlapping dialogue)
Xander: It was just, like, I didn't want to be saying things, but they just kept pouring out. And they rhymed, and they were mean. And my eyes aren't beady!
Anya: It has to be stopped. It's like we're being watched. Like there was a wall missing in our apartment. Like there were only three walls and not a fourth wall... and my toes aren't hairy!

Work with me, British-man. Give me an axe and show me where to point it.

Xander: Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts.
Anya: I don't know. One more verse of our little ditty, and I would have been looking for a gas can.

Okay, but we're sure that the things are related -- the singing and dancing and burning and dying?

Spike: Forget them, Slayer. I got your back.
Buffy: Thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang?
Xander: Spike sing a wittle song?
Anya: Would you say it was a break-away pop hit or more of a book number?
Xander: Let it go, sweetie.
Spike: Fine. I hope you dance till you burn. You and the little bit.

Giles: If it was in the shop, then one of us probably...
(Xander raised his hand)
Anya: Xander!
Xander: Well, I didn't know what was gonna happen! I just thought there was gonna be dances and songs.

Sweet: I think everything worked out just fine.
Xander: Does this mean that I have to... be your Queen?
Sweet: It's tempting. But I think we'll waive that clause just this once.

Tabula Rasa

Anya: What? I'm just saying what everyone's thinking, right baby?
Xander: You are attractive and have many good qualities.

I just feel weird feeling bad that my friend's not dead. It's too mind-boggling. So I've decided to simplify the whole thing. Me like Buffy. Buffy's alive, so, me glad.

We need to spend more time with her. Just hang out. Maybe have weekly dinners over here, or, uh, a book club. Short books. Videos!

Xander: I'm gonna go get that phone. You probably don't hear it -- high-pitched ring, ears like a dog.
Anya: I'm gonna help him with that.

The cold only makes me stronger and more macho-like.

Spike: You need to give me asylum.
Xander: I'll say.

Xander: Okay, who are you freaks?
Willow: You don't know me?
Xander: Not a clue.
Willow: But you were just all like, "Oh, hey."
Xander: Yeah, 'cause I thought you were a girl and I'd remember, but...
Willow: (checks breasts) Well, I AM a girl.

Okay, I'm not panicking. I'm not... I'm not. Stop looking at me like I'm panicking!

Now, I'm not sure what I am, so bear with me here. Now I lay me down to sleep... Shema Israel... Ommmm, ommmm...

Hey, over here, big guy. Check out this throbbing jugular.

(laughs) Sorry, I just got back the memory of seeing "King Ralph".

Smashed

Xander: All right, back to basics. A little old-fashioned state-of-the-art hacker action.
Buffy: That's great, Will. I haven't seen you do that in a long time.
(Willow places hands above keyboard and a glow starts to emanate from laptop)
Buffy: I don't remember that part.

Anya: Oh, for crying out loud! This is bizarre. You're all "la la la!" with the magic and the not talking, like everything's normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you, and now everyone's scared to say anything to you. Except me. (to Xander) Is this the thing I do that you were commenting...
Xander: Uh-huh.

Xander: Aha! I got it! Here's our villain right here. (pause) What?
Anya: That's a D & D manual, sweetie.

So, what did Captain Peroxide want?

Xander: It seems like we've been through every book.
Anya: Yeah, even the ones that weren't so boring you wanted to kill yourself.
Xander: We have those?

Buffy: I'm just saying - all the things that have happened lately-- Okay, the bank robbery, the jewelry heist...
Xander: The exploding lint.
Buffy: Is it just me, or do these things seem really...
Anya: Lame?

Anya: Optimism. I remember optimism.
Xander: That's because you're, like, a thousand.

Wrecked

All these demons are starting to look alike. You got reptiles, reptiles with horns, reptiles with gills, and I'm still finding nothing of the "steal a diamond, kill a guy" variety.

Great, we're not even married yet and already you've stopped listening to me.

Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
Xander: Please, she-- really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness.

Anya: I can't decide whether to put my bridesmaids in cocktail dresses or the traditional burlap with blood larvae.
Xander: The traditional what?
Anya: Well I was a demon for a thousand years, Xander. You can't expect me to turn my back on all the ways of my people.
Buffy: Can I weigh in on this whole me wearing larvae...?
Xander & Anya: No.
Anya: At least I'm not asking you to perform the groom's rite of self-flagellation.

Buffy: So, you know, who are we to be all judgey?
Xander: Not judgey, Buff. Just observey.

Gone

XANDER: Good Godfrey Cambridge, Spike. Still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen. Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. Unless she's a simpleton like Harmony, or a nut-sack like Drusilla--
BUFFY: Hey.

XANDER: What happened to Buffy? She's gone.
ANYA: She's right here. Table four. I put her with your family.
XANDER: Great. Except we don't hate Buffy. Put her back at table one.
ANYA: Well, where do I put D'Hoffryn?
XANDER: We're not inviting D'Hoffryn.
ANYA: I have to. He's my ex-boss. You're inviting your work buddies.

XANDER: Where... where are you?
BUFFY: At table four, apparently.
ANYA: Well, that remains to be seen. Like you.

Buffy, how did this hap--? Wait a sec. Have you been feeling ignored lately?

Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy?

ANYA: Why would anyone make her invisible, anyway? I mean, an invisible Slayer's got to be way more effective than the standard variety.
XANDER: Yeah, I'm less with the why, and more with the how. We get the how, then we got how to make her unseen sight seen again, right?
BUFFY: 'S'allright.

XANDER: Willow, we need to talk.
WILLOW: We are talking. Well, I'm talking and you're looking at me funny.

XANDER: Rhymes with blinvisible?
WILLOW: What??

XANDER: Buffy was in town, leaving the hair cutting place, when she suddenly just--
WILLOW: Buffy got her hair cut?
XANDER: Yeah. Adorable, apparently. I couldn't tell since she's all blinvisible.

No jumping. Look - feet firmly planted.

ANYA: Oh, I got it.
XANDER: What?
ANYA: Yeah, we'll put D'Hoffryn at your parent's table, and move your Uncle Rory to table five near the bar.
XANDER: An, honey, we're looking for invisibility spells here.
ANYA: Well, obviously, I haven't found anything yet.

ANYA: Ewww. Xander!
XANDER: What?
ANYA: An unpleasant tactile experience. Like putting my hand in pudding.

XANDER: If we don't find Buffy, I mean, if we don't figure out how this was done...
ANYA: She's pudding?

XANDER: ...naked in bed?
SPIKE: A man shouldn't let immortality be an excuse to let himself go. You gotta keep fit for the killing.
XANDER: Yeah-huh.

XANDER: Looks like you had a little trouble upstairs. Mini disaster area.
SPIKE: So what, you just come here to criticize my housekeeping?

XANDER: I'm looking for Buffy.
SPIKE: Haven't seen her.
XANDER: Well, you wouldn't. Fact is, she's come down with a slight case of invisibility.

SPIKE: And if we bump into each other, I'll clue her that you're on the lookout.
XANDER: After your... exercises.
SPIKE: Yeah, right.
XANDER: You know, kidding aside, Spike, you really should get a girlfriend.

XANDER: Buffy, if this isn't reversed, you're gonna, well, dissolve... or fade... into nothing.
BUFFY: Wow.

Doublemeat Palace

Now, I get Warren being the super villain type, but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson.

ANYA: When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately.
XANDER: Welcome to today's episode of "Go, money, go!" I hear it daily.
WILLOW: Yup, for the rest of your life.

It's fast food. I've swum these murky waters, my friend. There's the assorted creepiness, there's staring, there's the enthusiastic not-showing-up-at-all. I think you're seeing demons where there's just life.

HALFREK: I have been called and vengeance shall I wreak. Cower, masculine one! Tremble as you face my wrath.
ANYA: Xander, I'm starting to think that maybe we should do a pot-luck thing...
XANDER: Honey...
HALFREK: Hello. I am here to tear this man apart. How many pieces do you wish?

Say, Buff, did you ever see Anya as a demon? 'Cause if that's it - whoa!

BUFFY: Xander, you ate the burger?
XANDER: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh?
BUFFY: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.
XANDER: That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?

DAWN: My friend Janice, her sister's a lawyer.
XANDER: You think I should sue over the burger? That's interesting.
DAWN: No, I just mean... Buffy's never going to be a lawyer, or a doctor - anything big.
XANDER: She's the Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger.
DAWN: But that means she's gonna have, like, crap jobs her whole life, right? Minimum wage stuff. I mean, I could still grow up to be anything. But for her, this is it?
XANDER: Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor, and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister.
DAWN: Oh, that's terrifically better. Thanks.

XANDER: So, An, the way she looked, with the face - that wasn't what you used to look like, was it?
ANYA: Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive?
XANDER: Okay, is there any answer to that question that won't make you nuts?

Again, I say "huh?"

Dead Things

XANDER: Wanna go for a spin?
BUFFY: Nah, I think I'm heading more towards an ungainly collapse.

Tall glasses of frosty relaxation on me! Nectar of the working man.

XANDER: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing.
ANYA: Come share in the joy of our groove thang.
WILLOW: And despite that, I succumb to the beat.
BUFFY: I think I'll catch the next soul train out.

XANDER: I think I pulled a jive muscle last night.
WILLOW: The Funky Monkey claims another victim.

XANDER: I'm gonna go bring Anya up to speed on that monkey situation.
TARA: There's a monkey problem?
WILLOW: Only if you don't stretch first.

Older and Far Away

ANYA: Do you think we should set up lots of candles for Buffy's party tomorrow?
XANDER: Not if they're that horrible slug kind you keep trying to unload.
ANYA: I don't know why people get so turned off by slug.
XANDER: Honey, slugs get turned off by slug. < to Willow > Oh, actually I wanted to talk to you about that.
WILLOW: Slugs?

XANDER: So, anything new about Warren and the nerd herd?
DAWN: No, just a big monster hunt.
XANDER: Man, a nerd goes into hiding, he really goes into hiding.

XANDER: We're feeding an army.
ANYA: No, they couldn't make it.

XANDER: Don't worry, it's not a set-up.
ANYA: Right. No. Just an attractive single man, with whom we hope you find much in common. And if you happen to...
XANDER: Ahn...
ANYA: ...form a romantic relationship, leading to babies...
XANDER: Ahn...!
ANYA: ...and many double dates with us so we have someone else to talk to, yay!
BUFFY: I assume that this was an act of kindness? That'll help with the not-throttling.

ANYA: No, you go.
XANDER: No, you go!
ANYA: No, you go.

XANDER: You want to try poker?
CLEM: I still say it's weird without kittens.
BUFFY: No kittens.

DAWN: So you've all just decided that somehow I'm responsible. Great. Here's me basking in the love.
XANDER: No, it's just, you know, you're upset 'cause we want to leave, and now we can't leave. Only thing missing is a cornfield. There- there isn't a cornfield, is there?

Well, 'cause, you know, sometimes we do something that seems like a good idea at the time, like, say, invoke the power of a musical amulet. And it turns out, you know, not so much.

ANYA: I think she's possessed.
XANDER: She's a teenager.

That's great! In a very bad way.

I just want to run barefoot on the grass so I can feel the dewdrops between my...

As You Were

I'm starting to have dreams of gardenia bouquets. I am so glad my manly coworkers didn't just hear me say that.

ANYA: Will you stop wolfing down those chips? One more bag and you'll pop right out of your cummerbund. You're not even hungry, you're just nervous.
XANDER: Yeah! Wedding, one week. We have friends, family, demons flying in, a to-do list getting no shorter, and do not... take my chips.

ANYA: I think we died in this car on the way to the airport, and now we're stuck in hell.
XANDER: The radio said no traffic.
ANYA: It's a hell radio. Of course it said so.

ANYA: We'll never get to the airport in time to pick up your stupid uncle.
XANDER: It just gives my Uncle Rory more time at the bar. Trust me, he'll be happy.
ANYA: Great. So he can sleep off his drunken stupor on our newly reupholstered couch.

I hate my uncle. I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you, to start a new family, have children, make them hate us. Then one day, they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life.

ANYA: Well, the gnarols are teleporting in in 20 minutes. If I'm not there to greet them, somebody's getting incinerated.
XANDER: Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place?

ANYA: Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.
XANDER: Without the laughs.

But granted, I have a hard time imagining Nick and Nora Fury hiding out from their own relatives in a bathroom.

ANYA: So our wedding... is not our marriage.
XANDER: Separate things. One fills me with a dread akin to public speaking engagements.
ANYA: And that would be the wedding.

Hell's Bells

Now nothing on earth can stop this wedding, now.

BUFFY: It'll fit.
XANDER: Ah, man, what if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund, and then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt! Buffy, that cannot happen. I must wear das cummerbund!

I've been meaning to cut back on that habit-forming oxygen.

BUFFY: You're glowing. Oh my god - maybe you're pregnant!
XANDER: Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'm just happy.

Happy teary, not frustrated-with-bow-tie teary?

XANDER: How do I look?
BUFFY: Well, let's see - found your shoes, your fly's zipped... I'd say you looked like you're ready to get married.

BUFFY: Now, into the breach with you.
XANDER: Okay, breach me.

XANDER: Now, let's go over the list one more time. Number 1...
BUFFY: Don't let your dad near the bar.
XANDER: Check. Number 2...
BUFFY: Don't let your mom near the bar.
XANDER: Check.

Old Guy: It sounds crazy, I knows, but you have to believe me. I'm Xander Harris. I'm you.
XANDER: What do you mean, you're me?
Old Guy: I'm you. I'm you from the future.
XANDER: Oh! From the future! For a minute I thought you were a nutball. But now that you're from the future...

WILLOW: I'll say this for the Y chromosome. Looks good in a tux.
XANDER: Well, your double X's don't look too bad there, either.

Normal Again

XANDER: Before she left, did she say anything?
WILLOW: You mean, between the sobs? There was mostly just wheezing.

I forgot. Willy Wannabite can't hurt me.

BUFFY: Some kind of gross, waxy demon-thing poked me.
XANDER: And when you say "poke"...?
BUFFY: In the arm!

BUFFY: They told me that I was sick, I guess crazy, and that Sunnydale and all of this -- none of it was real.
XANDER: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous. What? You think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy...?

Spike, we need muscle, not color commentary.

SPIKE: Thinks up some chip in my head. Make me soft, fall in love with her, then turn me into her soddin' sex slave.
XANDER: What??
SPIKE: Nothing. Alternative realities.

SPIKE: Oh, balls. You didn't say he was a Glarghle Guhl Kashma'nik.
XANDER: 'Cause I can't say Glarba--

I altered his reality! Get it? I-- never mind.

WILLOW: I'll need its arm.
XANDER: I'd like both my arms, too.

Hello, I'm back. Clean and with the better smell now.

Friends? Romans?! Anyone??

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