Season Six

Buffybot: Big, fast and dumb. Just the way I like 'em.

Buffybot: That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!
Spike: What's with the Dadaism, Red?

Willow: And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
Buffybot: Ooh, who's there?
Xander: You know, if we want her to be exactly...
Spike: She'll never be exactly.
Xander: I know.
Tara: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
Giles: And she's gone.
Buffybot: "You know, if we want her to be exactly, she'll never be exactly, the only really real Buffy is really Buffy, and she's gone" who?

Buffybot: You can run away now. Not you!

Buffybot: Vampires, beware.

Buffybot: I think my feet are broken.

Buffybot: Sorry I questioned you, Spike. You know I admire your brain almost as much as your washboard abs.


Afterlife

Buffy: How long was I gone?
Spike: 147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today. Except today doesn't count, does it?

Buffy: Tired.
Anya: Yeah, I mean, jet lag from hell has got to be, you know, jet lag from hell.

You know what they say -- those of us who fail history... doomed to repeat it in summer school.

Buffy: That's okay. I can be alone with you here.
Spike: Thanks ever so.

Spike: Well, I haven't been to a hell-dimension just of late, but I know a thing or two about torment.
Buffy: I was happy. Wherever I was, I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything. Nothing had form, but I was still me, you know? And I was warm, and I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I don't understand theology and dimensions... or any of it, really. But I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there, pulled out by my friends. Everything here is hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch... this is hell. Just getting through the next moment and the one after that. Knowing what I've lost... They can never know. Never.



Flooded

So, we meet at last, Mr. Drippy!

Dawn, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It's unbelievably important. You should eat breakfast at least three times a day.

Willow: Buffy, I know you're still getting back on your feet after...
Buffy: Lying flat on my back?

Buffy: Okay, so you're telling me I'm broke?
Willow: Not yet, but...
Tara: Money's definitely becoming an issue.
Xander: As in, your being almost out of it.
Buffy: But, I haven't spent any money. I was all dead and frugal.

Dawn: So, what do we do?
Buffy: Easy! We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus: Fire - pretty!
(they all *look* at her)
Buffy: You guys? ...I'm kidding.

It's not like it's the end of the world. ...Which is too bad, because *that* I'm really good at.

Loan Officer: Carl Savitsky, Loan Officer.
Buffy: Buffy Summers, Loan Applier-for! I didn't know exactly what you would need, so, um, I brought everything. I'm *very* responsible in that way!
Loan Officer: O.k., I don't think I'll need this... or these... old report cards? Definitely not.
Buffy: So, about my getting a loan....
Loan Officer: Yes, well, it looks as if financially we have a bit of a tangle.
Buffy: I know, and I figured you could just, you know, cut through that tangle with scissors. ...You know, where the loan is the scissors?

Loan Officer: The problem is you have no income. No job.
(demon comes crashing through the window)
Buffy: No job? I wish!

Hey! Are you in the wrong line? That's for deposits, that's for withdrawals, and this one is for getting kicked in the face. (tries to kick, can't raise her leg) Stupid skirt!

Guard: (fires warning shot) Put the girl down!
(demon throws Buffy across room and into guard)
Buffy: These things? (dangles gun in guard's face) *Never helpful!*

Buffy: Now, about my loan. I'm not saying I'm charging you for saving your life or anything, but... let's talk rates.
(scene change)
Willow: They *still* turned you down?

Willow: Hey, Buffy! You're mad!
Buffy: You noticed. It'll pass.
Willow: No! Anger is a big powerful emotion! You should feel!
Buffy: Well, that's good then. ... Done.
Willow: Well then let me make you mad again... ready? Um? Last semester? I slept with Riley.
Buffy: And you know, I really doubt it.
Willow: Caught me. Big fib... to cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel!

You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it?

Giles: I keep a flat in Bath. I met with a few old friends. Almost made a new one, which I think is statistically impossible for a man of my age....
Buffy: And now you're back.
Giles: Yes.
Buffy: Wow. Giles, are you miserable about it, or just really British?

I mean, yeah, sleeping is hard, but just because of the waking-up-in-a-box thing. So maybe waking-up's the problem.

I know what you meant. It was just a little post-post-mortem comedy.

Buffy: I know they're so cute you could die, but it's all I've got.
Giles: Think nothing of it. It's...uh... whimsical.

They don't actually fit. I blame the sofa. We need one of those pull-out kinds. The kinds with no payments until 2000-infinity.

I figured I'd put it out of my mind, you know. Take a break. Get some perspective... and then wake up at 4 a.m. terrified.

Spike: You hear all that noise?
Buffy: Just enough to make me feel crappy.

Why are you always around when I'm miserable?

So, what do you know about finances?

Buffy: You're paying for that door, buddy! Oooh! Table!
M'Fashnik Demon: You cost me, Slayer!
Buffy: I cost *you*? That's a designer lamp, you mook!

(beating on the downed demon) Full! Copper! Repipe! No! More! Full! Copper! Repipe!

Buffy: I've trashed this house so many times, how did mom pay for this?
Xander: Well for starters, she saved money with this crappy-ass coffee table.
Anya: Well, there's always that charging option.
Buffy: No! I will definitely... probably not be doing that.

Giles: Well I know I'm back in America now, I've been knocked unconscious.
Buffy: Mmmm... Poor lumpy Giles!

Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here.

Buffy: You already ate.
Giles: No! ... Well, yes. Obviously.

Willow: The trick is to get in the rhythm. Kinda go with the flow.
Buffy: Flow-going would be a lot easier if your classmates weren't such big brains!

Willow: You're not dumb, just rusty!
Buffy: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like Introduction to Pies, or maybe Advanced Walking.

Buffy: This is gonna be great! Diving into the workforce! Being the breadwinner! Building things with my hands!
Xander: Uh, actually you won't be building so much as lifting and toting.
Buffy: Toting?

Buffy: You saved me from having to accept Giles' offer to work at the Magic Box. I mean retail? Yeeeuhhhh... I'd rather be dead. Again!

Buffy: I guess I *could* have been blacking out. But there was this *thing* on my sweater that just blew away. Or went *poof*. Maybe it was lint. Maybe it was evil lint!
Xander: O.k., first tip of the day: When I introduce you to Tony the Foreman, you might want to leave out stuff about blacking out and evil lint.

Buffy: So, basically, I'm just trying to learn everything I can, because I don't want a job, I want a career. You know, something I can grow into... you know, I never thought about working in construction, but when you think about it, it kinda makes sense...
Worker: Hey! We get paid by the hour. You want to ruin it for the rest of us? Slow down!

Buffy: Demons! There were three, big, apey things!
Xander: No! Not here. Not at my job! That's your job!
Buffy: I can't help where the forces of Darkness attack me, Xander!
Xander: Buffy, would you look at this mess. Do you have any idea how much it's gonna cost to repair this? And what am I supposed to say to the clients? Should I show them the demon bodies and say it was all their fault?
Buffy: You can't. They melted.

Worker: Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. All I know is that you were losing it or something. That time of the month, huh?
Buffy: *What*? You were huddled in the corner, crying like a *baby*!

Xander: I think it's worth checking out. And I don't mean later. You need to see Giles right away. I'd start by IDing those demons.
Buffy: You're firing me, aren't you?
Xander: Big time.

Buffy: Uh, is this _all_ research? Or just some kind of stress-test for the table?
Giles: I just want to be thorough. This time anomaly and the demon attacks could be completely unrelated events. But if they're not, you might be in some danger.
Buffy: So: situation normal, then.

GuyCustomer: Miss? Which candle creates a, you know, more romantic atmosphere?
Buffy: Hmmm... 'Lemon Seduction'. Ewwww... 'Essence of Slug'. Here you go!

RepeatCustomer: I need something for a prosperity spell. I heard you have it? A mummy hand?
Buffy: Ah, yeah. I saw one downstairs. It's kinda hairy though, maybe it was a daddy hand. ...I'll just get it.

Petrified hamster... eyeballs in honey... dagger of Lex... Oooh! Ancient mummy hand!

Buffy: ...And you get the dagger of Lex for free with it! See the inlaid mother of pearl.. underneath the black oozing goo...?
RepeatCustomer: This hand is dead. The power is gone. I'm not giving you money for this!
Buffy: Oh, it's just playing dead. (swats at it) Little scamp!

Fingers sold separately!

Buffy: Lady needs a mummy hand.
Anya: What? You haven't even talked to her.
Buffy: I could explain, but you would just forget it.

Buffy: Yes! And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam!
Giles: Yes...um...quite right....

If you like slug, go with slug! She's not gonna sleep with you anyway.

(Nametag): Hello! My name is Buffy Ask me about my curses!

Buffy: Life is stupid.
Spike: I have a dim memory of that, yeah. And I didn't figure you were here caging my whisky because life was all full of blood and peaches.

Buffy: Giles is working on it.
Spike: Oh good! 'Cuz Giles wields the mighty force of library books.

Spike: You're not a schoolgirl. You're not a shopgirl. You're a creature of the darkness, like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.
Buffy: There are drinks in your world?

Buffy: You want to play, that's fine. I am sticking to the original plan. Which one do I kill for information?
Spike: Listen! These guys talk while they play. You'll get more information out of their mouths than out of gaping holes in their corpses.

PokerDemon1: Ante up!
Buffy: You play for *kittens*?!?
Spike: Who's gonna advance me a tiny tabby... get me started? Come on, someone's got to stake me.
Buffy: I'll do it! (he glares) You thought I was just gonna let that lie there?

Spike: Me? _I_ cheat? _He's_ got X-ray vision.
PokerDemon1: I'm not _using_ it!

Scamper! Be free, kittens!

Spike: What's wrong love?
Buffy: What's wrong? You were gonna _help_ me! You... you were gonna beat heads, and... and fix my life! You're completely lame! Life sucks! And look at me: StupidBuffy, too dumb for college. And FreakBuffy, too strong for construction work. And my job at The Magic Box? I was bored to tears even _before_ The Hour That Wouldn't End! And the only person I can even _stand_ to be around is a... a neutered vampire who cheats at _kitten poker_!
Spike: Oh, you saw the cheating, did you?
Buffy: Also, I think you're _drunk_!

Buffy: That van.
Spike: If you want to steal the van I'm with you, love, but we have got the motorcycle.

He blew up. Did you see that?

Giles: Are you o.k.?
Buffy: I think at one point I actually turned inside out ...but yeah.

Giles: You're pushing yourself too hard.
Buffy: The nice people at the phone company seem to think it's not hard enough.

Giles: This is for you.
Buffy: A check? Th-this is too much. I can't take it.
Giles: Well, I'll tear it up....
Buffy: No! I was just being polite. I'm taking the money.

Buffy: I don't really know to say this, but it's a little like having mom back.
Giles: In this scenario I'm your mother.
Buffy: Want to be my shiftless absentee father?
Giles: Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?

I just want to tell you that, um, this... makes me feel safe. Knowing you're always gonna be here.

Spike: I thought you had it to the brim with customer disservice?
Buffy: One-time deal to help out. And I mean straight time -- no loop-the-loop, mummy-hand, repeat-o-vision.

Spike: Feel like a bit of the rough and tumble?
Buffy: What?
Spike: Me, you... patrolling? Hello!

Spike: It's not like I don't already have plans. "Great Pumpkin's" on in 20.
Buffy: So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me.

Buffy: What happened to Xander?
Giles: He kept poking me with his hook. I sent him over to charmed objects. With any luck, he'll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a 50-foot Giles that squishes annoying, teeny pirates.

Buffy: Yeah, what about costumes that take over you personality, or wee, little Irish fear-demony thingies?
Giles: Yes, well, if anything calamitous should happen, history suggests it will happen to one of us.

You know, if you had a real peg-leg, you wouldn't just have a lame costume, you'd actually be lame. Which is completely different than--

Xander: I'm gonna marry that girl.
Buffy: What? She's 15 and my sister, so don't even-- oh.

Buffy: Did you know about this?
Giles: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
Buffy: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing?
Giles: Tell no one.

Buffy: Sorry we couldn't do the big fancy. Kind of caught us with our party down.
Anya: Oh, that's okay. This is just the first premarital celebration. There'll be lots more. With gifts.

Buffy: Seems like only yesterday you had to pay a girl to date you.
Xander: Like I'd ever pay... define "date".

Buffy: How many other things have changed since I've been gone?
Dawn: I got a tattoo.
Buffy: What?!
Willow: Which is why we told her "no."
Dawn: Just a little one?
Buffy: Over my dead body. The kind that doesn't come back.

All that matters is that they're happy. Everything else is thick-gravy goodness.

Buffy: Were you parking? With a vamp?
Dawn: I didn't know he was dead.
Justin: Living dead.
Dawn: Shut up!
Buffy: How could you not know?
Dawn: I just met him.
Buffy: Oh, so you went parking in the woods with a boy you just met.

Dawn: Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?
Buffy: That was different.

Vamp: Uh, excuse me. Can we fight now?
Buffy: Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out? (couple raises their hands) Aw, that's sweet. You run. (to vamp) You scream.

Vamp: Die, Slayer.
(stake action)
Buffy: Um-hmm.

Buffy: How's your face?
Giles: Oh, still ruggedly handsome. Grandpa, indeed. Ow.

Giles: Something needs to be done before it spins out of control.
Buffy: You're right. I'm glad you're here to take care of it. Don't be too hard on her, okay?

So did anybody... last night, you know, did anybody, um... burst into song?

Buffy: But it seemed perfectly normal.
Xander: But disturbing, and not the natural order of things and do you think it'll happen again?

Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish, yet affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here. And that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies.

Dawn: Oh, my god. You will never believe what happened at school today.
Buffy: Everybody started singing and dancing?
Dawn: I gave birth to a pterodactyl.
Anya: Oh my god, did it sing?

Dawn: Besides, it's all kind of romantic.
Xander & Buffy: No, it's not.

Spike: Drink?
Buffy: A world of no.

Spike: You've just come to pump me for information.
Buffy: What else would I want to pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?

I feel like I should bow, or have honor or something.

Buffy: I'm just worried this whole session's going to turn into some training montage from an 80's movie.
Giles: Well, if we hear any inspirational power chords, we'll just lie down until they go away.

Yeah, I'm pretty spry for a corpse.

So, Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.

Buffy: What do you expect me to do?
Giles: Your best.

Sweet: I love a good entrance.
Buffy: How are you with death scenes?

Buffy: You got a name?
Sweet: I've got a hundred.
Buffy: Well, I ought to know what to call you if you're gonna be my brother-in-law.

Sweet: What if I kill you?
Buffy: Trust me, won't help.
Sweet: Oh, that's gloomy.
Buffy: That's life.

Spike: Can we talk?
Buffy: Vocal cord-wise, yes. With each other, no.

Spike: We kissed, you and me. All "Gone With the Wind," with the rising music and the rising... music, and what was that, Buffy?
Buffy: A spell?
Spike: Oh, don't get all prim and proper on me. I know what kind of girl you really are. Don't I?

Loan Shark: Look, I don't want to see anyone get hurt. Boys...
Buffy: Then you better close your eyes.

If I were to stop saving his life, it would simple things up SO much.

Hate suffering. Had about as much of it as I can take.

Buffy: Maybe something magic happened.
Giles: Magic? (scoffs) Magic's all balderdash and chicanery.

Dawn: So, you don't have a name?
Buffy: Of course I do. I just don't happen to know it.

Buffy: I'll name me... Joan.
Dawn: Ugh.
Buffy: What? Did you just "ugh" my name?
Dawn: No. I just... I mean, it's so blah. "Joan"?
Buffy: I like it. I feel like a Joan.

(in unison) Buffy: Boy, you're a pain in the... Dawn: Boy, you're bossy...
Dawn: Do you think we're...?
Buffy: Sisters?

Monsters are real. Did we know this?

Buffy: Hey, stay away from Randy! (stakes Vamp)
Dawn: Whoa!
Willow: What did you just do?
Buffy: I don't know. But it was cool!

I think I know why Joan's the boss. I'm like a superhero or something.

Buffy: Ready, Randy?
Spike: Ready, Joan.
Giles: Oh, son? Come here, um, please.
(awkward hug)
Buffy: Right.
Giles: Good, then.

Buffy: You're a vampire.
Spike: I, me, a vampire? No.
Buffy: Check the lumpies and the teeth.
Spike: (feels fangs)
Buffy: I kill your kind.
Spike: And I bite yours. So how come I don't want to bite you? And why am I fighting other vampires? I must be a noble vampire. A good guy, on a mission of redemption. I help the helpless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Buffy: A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?

Spike: I'm a hero, really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life, and then to rise above it. To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us -- natural enemies thrown together, to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me.
Buffy: Depends on how long you keep on yapping.

Note to self: learn to duck.

Mugging victim 1: I'm sure we can work something out.
Mugging victim 2: A deal of some sort. Anything you want.
Buffy: I always wanted a pony. Oh, you weren't really speaking to me, were you? My bad.

Wow. A mugging. Haven't gotten one of those in a while. Usually it's blood, and with the horror... Just a good old-fashioned mugging. Kinda sweet, actually. Oh, well, not for you. Here. Go. Now.

But not too sweet for you either, huh? Come on. Rush me. It'll be funny.

Spike: I thought they were demons.
Buffy: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
Spike: Remind me not to help you.
Buffy: More often?

Spike: You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they'd at least make it so I could attack criminals and that sort.
Buffy: Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten.

Buffy: You'll just have to get your rocks off fightin' demons.
Spike: There are other ways.
Buffy: And to that, an extreme "see you later."

Spike: You're a tease, you know that, Slayer? Get a fella's motor revvin', let the tension marinate a couple of days, then bam! Crown yourself the Ice Queen.
Buffy: You need a few more metaphors for that little mix?

Buffy: How you doin'?
Willow: Oh, okay.
Buffy: Yeah?
Willow: Yeah. Not parades and cotton candy, but okay.

Amy: The whole school? By a giant snake thing? Okay, still adjusting. Hi, Buffy.
Buffy: Hi. How've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.

Amy: Do you have any cookies?
Buffy: Uh, yeah. What kind?
Amy: Any kind. Not cheese.

It's nothing. I mean, the whole Amy-rat-Amy thing - no way I'm topping that.

Amy: It's crazy, all the things that have happened since I went away.
Buffy: No kidding.
Amy: Snyder eaten by a snake, the high school got destroyed...
Buffy: Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor - blue.
Amy: See? Head spinning. People getting frozen, Willow's dating girls. And did you hear about Tom and Nicole?

Spike: You know, as long as we're both here, you might as well tag along. I mean, as a team we could...
Buffy: Yeah, that never really ends well, does it?
Spike: It did the other night.

Buffy: But when I kissed you, you know I was thinking about Giles, right?
Spike: You know, I always wondered about you two.
Buffy: What? Oh, gross, Spike! He left, I was depressed, ergo vulnerability and bad kissing decisions.

Should we call him? It's like the middle of last night there. Or, maybe it's tomorrow. Anyone remember how that works?

Xander: All right, back to basics. A little old-fashioned state-of-the-art hacker action.
Buffy: That's great, Will. I haven't seen you do that in a long time.
(Willow places hands above keyboard and a glow starts to emanate from laptop)
Buffy: I don't remember that part.

Buffy: Well, is it a supernatural diamond? You know, like healing powers or good-lucky?
Anya: Maybe it's cursed. Diamonds are excellent for cursing.

Willow: I keep expecting her to do, like, ratty stuff. You know, licking her hands clean, shredding newspaper, leaving little pellets in the corner...
Buffy: Let's definitely not leave her alone in the house too long.

Anya: Let's face it, we're not gonna find this thing, because it doesn't exist. There's no such thing as a frost monster who eats diamonds.
Buffy: Well, maybe he doesn't eat them. You know, maybe he just... thinks they're pretty. (pause) We suck.

Buffy: It's Willow - she of the level head.
Anya: Well, those are the ones you have to watch out for the most. Responsible types.
Buffy: Right. She might go crazy and start alphabetizing everything.

Spike: (in low and seductive voice) Slayer.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: Bloody hell. (normal voice) Yes, it's me.
Buffy: You're calling me on the phone?

Spike: Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.
Buffy: What? No. No grunting!
Spike: I was talking shop, luv, but if you've got other ideas... You, me, cozy little tomb with a view...

Buffy: I'm just saying - all the things that have happened lately-- Okay, the bank robbery, the jewelry heist...
Xander: The exploding lint.
Buffy: Is it just me, or do these things seem really...
Anya: Lame?

Spike: You shouldn't be so flip, luv.
Buffy: What are you going to do, walk behind me to death?

Buffy: When did the building fall down?
Spike: I don't know. Must have been some time between the first time and the, uh...

Buffy: And don't call me "luv."
Spike: You didn't seem to take issue with that last night. Or with any of the other little nasties we whispered.
Buffy: Can we not talk?

Buffy: Last night was the end of this freak show.
Spike: Don't say that!
Buffy: What did you think was gonna happen? What, we were gonna read the newspaper together? Play footsie under the rubble?

Spike: I knew it. I knew the only thing better than killing a Slayer would be--
Buffy: Is that what this is about? Doing a Slayer?

Spike: I'm just saying vampires get you hot.
Buffy: *A* vampire got me hot. One. But he is gone. You're just... you're just convenient.

Buffy: Like you're god's gift.
Spike: Hardly. Wouldn't be nearly as interesting, would it?

Buffy: You're bent.
Spike: Yeah, and it made you scream, didn't it?

Buffy: Can I weigh in on this whole me wearing larvae...?

Buffy: So, you know, who are we to be all judgey?
Xander: Not judgey, Buff. Just observey.

Buffy: What is this?
Amy: It's not what you think it is - it's sage.
Buffy: That *is* what I think it is.

Understands what? Breaking into someone's house for kitchen spices?

Buffy: Spike, if you're dragging this out...
Spike: What, so I can linger near your precious self? Get a grip.

Buffy: The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. That's the power of your charms. Last night was the most perverse, degrading experience of my life.
Spike: Yeah. Me, too.

Now you're scared? Better late than never.

Buffy: You are more than some girl. And Tara wants you to stop. She loves you.
Willow: We don't know that.
Buffy: I know that. I promise you.

DAWN: Candles? We can't have candles?
BUFFY: Dawn, it's a magic clearance. Everything must go.
DAWN: But they're just candles!
BUFFY: Well, yeah, you know, to you and me they're just candles. But to witches, they're like... bongs.

GILES: So, no candles, no charms, no--
WILLOW: Bird.
BUFFY: Bird?

BUFFY: How are you doing?
WILLOW: Okay. Not ready to head back to classes, face the world okay, but the shakiness is only semi now.

WILLOW: Okay, I deserve the wrath of Dawn, but why is she taking it out on
you?
BUFFY: Because I let it happen.

SPIKE: Just, uh, took a stroll. Found myself in your neck of the woods.
BUFFY: Couldn't find a less flammable time of day to take a stroll?

BUFFY: Now's really not a good time. I have company.
SPIKE: No worries. I'll wait.
BUFFY: Spike, this nice woman is from Social Services.
SPIKE: Oh, right. Hey, Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis. Like, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
DORIS KROGER: I'm sorry, did you say--
BUFFY: Crib. Crib! He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang.

DORIS KROGER: He sleeps here?
BUFFY: What? No, no. Oh, the blanket. That's a security thing, yeah. He has issues.

DORIS KROGER: Oh, so you live with another woman?
BUFFY: Oh, oh, it's not a gay thing, you know. I mean, well, she's gay, but we don't... gay. Not that there's anything, oh, wrong with...

BUFFY: You know, I know what that looks like, but I swear it's not what it looks like. It's magic weed. It's not mine.
DORIS KROGER: I think I've seen enough.

XANDER: Where... where are you?
BUFFY: At table four, apparently.
ANYA: Well, that remains to be seen. Like you.

I am the ghost of fashion victims past. Studded caps - not a good idea! Hey, I'm doing you a favor!

BUFFY: Kill, kill, kill...
DORIS KROGER: What?
Other Social Worker: I didn't say anything.
DORIS KROGER: Not you, the mug.

SPIKE: Buffy?
BUFFY: I told you -- stop trying to see me.

SPIKE: This vanishing act's right liberating for you, isn't it? Go anywhere you want. Do anything you want. Or anyone.
BUFFY: What are you talking ab--
SPIKE: The only reason you're here is that you're not here.

BUFFY: I'm free. Free of rules and reports, free of this life.
SPIKE: Free of life. Got another name for that -- dead.

He threw me out? He threw me! Did I, like, fall into some backward dimension here? Is this bizarro world?

I'm invisible. Check this out. Whoo... whoo... unidentified flying pizza, coming in for a landing.

Okay, not the most clever ad-lib, but c'mon, points for spontaneity.

Xander and Anya are working on it, Muldering out what happened.

XANDER: Buffy, if this isn't reversed, you're gonna, well, dissolve... or fade... into nothing.
BUFFY: Wow.

BUFFY: Where are the bad guys?
Warren: All around you, Slayer, so don't try anything.
WILLOW: He's bluffing, Buffy, there's just three of them... I think.
Warren: More than enough to cause some serious carnage, right guys? Guys? Guys!
JONATHAN: ..at video game.. Kick! Use the kick.
Andrew: I tried that -- he keeps blocking it with his drunken monkey fist.
BUFFY: Ooh, scary video carnage.
Warren: Hey! Slayer's here.
Andrew: Sorry - didn't see her.

BUFFY: Okay, play time's over.
Warren: You haven't won yet, Slayer.
BUFFY: No, that part comes after I beat the snot out of you.
Warren: You'll just have to find me first. There's three of us against just one of you.
JONATHAN: Hey, you lied to us.
Andrew: Fight her yourself.

JONATHAN: Ow, ow! Watch the chest hair!
BUFFY: I know that voice. You... you're //they're made visible// Jonathan?! You have chest hair?

BUFFY: Who are you?
Andrew: Andrew. I summoned the flying monkeys that attacked the high school? During the school play, you know?
Warren: It's Tucker's brother.
JONATHAN: Tucker's brother.
BUFFY: Oh.

BUFFY: So you three have, what, banded together to be pains in my ass?
Warren: We're your arch-nemesises... nemeses.

Warren: What do you mean it's locked? You were supposed to check it!
JONATHAN: I forgot.
BUFFY: I give you my arch-nemesises...ses.

BUFFY: So, how did you manage to.. do it, exactly? I mean, to locate it?
WILLOW: The hard way. The spell-free way. the oh-my-god-my-head's- gonna-fall-off, my-feet-are-killing-me way.

BUFFY: The whole "taking a vacation from me" thing didn't work out too well.
WILLOW: Tell me about it.
BUFFY: I'm not saying that I'm doing back-flips about my life, but... I didn't... I don't... want to die. That's something, right?
WILLOW: It's something.

WILLOW: So I guess we both made good first steps.
BUFFY: I guess.
WILLOW: Yay for us.
BUFFY: Yay.

Doublemeat Palace

Doublemeat Palace training film: This cow (moo!) and this chicken (bawk!) don't know it yet, but they're destined to become part of it as well. So what happens when a cow and a chicken get together? Why, that's a doublemeat medley! Let's take a look now at the process of harvesting these two special meats. < frantic barnyard sounds >
BUFFY: Holy crap!

MANNY THE MANAGER Interesting, isn't it?
BUFFY: Oh, yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if Meg and Tom were, like, minced.

MANNY THE MANAGER Watch these two.
BUFFY: Are they gonna do something?

BUFFY: Fill this? I didn't know there was going to be drug testing on this job.

Guy: You're funny. You better stop that.
BUFFY: Why?
Guy: Productivity. One of Manny['s watchwords. "Levity is the time thief that picks the pocket of the company."
BUFFY: I prefer the one that goes, "Manny is a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me."

You hit so many buttons, it was like buttonpalooza.

Excuse me, this button, does it look chocolatey to you?

MANNY THE MANAGER You don't need to be in there.
BUFFY: Sorry. Was just curious.
MANNY THE MANAGER Curiosity killed the cat.
BUFFY: Theory #5: Cat-burgers.

It was a diner and we had, you know, lots of people who didn't tip, and funny, funny health-code violations.

BUFFY: I'm working. Go away.
SPIKE: Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I'm a consumer. Service me.

BUFFY: But I don't know how to grill.
MANNY THE MANAGER Just think -- this is the last day you'll ever be able to say that.

DoubleMeat Palace Guy: You put the beef on the grill, hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun. There's not a button for that.
BUFFY: Repeat until insane.

DoubleMeat Palace Guy: Eliminates variation. Every burger in every Doublemeat Palace is the same. People don't like variation.
BUFFY: Got it. Variety is the spice of bad.

BUFFY: So, I guess we're gonna get kind of greasy, huh?
DoubleMeat Palace Guy: Skin, hair, eyelashes, nostrils, inside your ears. You want to look inside my ears?
BUFFY: No. No, that's okay.

MANNY THE MANAGER Well, maybe Gary did come in this morning, or, I don't know, late last night, and maybe there was an accident and got himself to the hospital.
BUFFY: Right. Maybe he's in the hospital. Or maybe he's in the grinder, huh? Huh? Meat process? Special ingredient?! Maybe Gary's on the grill, or maybe he's under the pickle chips!

BUFFY: Everybody, you have to stop! Stop eating! It's not beef. It's people! The doublemeat medley is people! The meat layer, it's definitely people. It's people! It's people! Probably not the chickeny part, but who knows? Who knows!?
Lady: What about the cherry pie?

I try to do the simplest thing in the world, get an ordinary job, in a well-lit place, and look, I'm right back where I started - blood and death and funky smells.

BUFFY: Xander, you ate the burger?
XANDER: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh?
BUFFY: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.
XANDER: That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?

Manny? < holds up foot in saddle-shoe > Guess you really were a lifer.

BUFFY: Wig lady?
Lady: Oh, dear! Wig lady, is that what they call me? I don't care for that. I mean, I have to do something to hide this.

WILLOW: I did it. I killed it, Buffy, look.
BUFFY & WILLOW in unison: Ewww.

Wait. The secret ingredient in the beef is... beef?

I'd really like to not be fired anymore.

Dead Things

BUFFY: We missed the bed again.
SPIKE: Lucky for the bed.
BUFFY: Is this a new rug.
SPIKE: Um, no. Just looks different when you're under it.

BUFFY: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
SPIKE: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
BUFFY: I've been thinking about doing something to my room.
SPIKE: Yeah?
BUFFY: Yeah, I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.

SPIKE: Are we having a conversation?
BUFFY: What? No. No. Maybe.

SPIKE: Well, isn't this usually the part where you kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering?
BUFFY: That's the plan... as soon as my legs start working.

SPIKE: You were amazing.
BUFFY: You got the job done yourself.
SPIKE: I was just trying to keep up. The things you do. The way you make it hurt in all the wrong places. I've never been with such an animal.
BUFFY: I'm not an animal.
SPIKE: You wanna see the bite marks?

SPIKE: Do you trust me?
BUFFY: Never.

Doublemeat is double sweet! Enjoy. Just somethin' I'm trying.

TARA: Sorry I'm late.
BUFFY: Oh, time has no meaning here.

TARA: I have this sudden urge to dedicate my productive cooperation.
BUFFY: Well, if you close your eyes and repeatedly smash yourself in the head with frozen meat until it goes away. Eventually. I'm hoping.

I'm home. Who wants to help scrape the grease off my...

XANDER: Wanna go for a spin?
BUFFY: Nah, I think I'm heading more towards an ungainly collapse.

I think I'll stay here with Dawn. Curl up on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn and... listen to cars honk?

BUFFY: Where are you going?
DAWN: Sleeping over at Janice's.
BUFFY: And I'm falling for that again because of the surprise lobotomy?

Frosty nectar, now, please.

ANYA: Come share in the joy of our groove thang.
WILLOW: And despite that, I succumb to the beat.
BUFFY: I think I'll catch the next soul train out.

Don't think about the evil blood-sucking fiend. Focus on anything but the evil blood-sucking fiend. < woman screams > < Buffy looks up > Thank you.

SPIKE: I love you.
BUFFY: No, you don't.
SPIKE: You think I haven't tried not to?

ANYA: Its presence in our dimension causes a sort of localized temporal disturbance.
BUFFY: So that's why time went all David Lynch?

BUFFY: We need to find Warren and the other. Whatever they've done, they're not going to get away with it.
//meanwhile, across town//
Warren: We're gonna get away with it.

Older and Far Away

Ran off, huh? Afraid to face a true warrior? Ooh, shiny!

BUFFY: What, like I'm one of those losers who can't make friends outside her tight little circle? No, I'm friendly. We bonded instantly. Peas in a pod. Bonded peas.
ANYA: Really? Um, what's Sophie's last name?
BUFFY: Okay. Shut up.

ANYA: ...and many double dates with us so we have someone else to talk to, yay!
BUFFY: I assume that this was an act of kindness? That'll help with the not-throttling.

He may be a chip-head, but he still doesn't play too well with others.

BUFFY: I'm definitely not ready to...
TARA: Come out?
BUFFY: Yeah, I'm all stay-inny.

BUFFY: How are you doing?
TARA: The word "gulp" comes to mind.

CLEM: Hi, we met once before.
BUFFY: Yes. Yes, we did.

BUFFY: Did you guys make that?
ANYA: Yes. Well, Xander did the building. I offered helpful suggestions while observing from a safe distance.

XANDER: You want to try poker?
CLEM: I still say it's weird without kittens.
BUFFY: No kittens.

SPIKE: Me, I used to love breakfast. In the old days, I probably would have eaten by now.
BUFFY: Course, with that new diet of yours, you want to be careful what you try putting in your mouth now, Spikey.

We do not joke about eating people in this house!

BUFFY: I was insane to ever think you could just hang out with my friends.
SPIKE: And I was insane to think... No, wait. You were right - you're insane.

BUFFY: I'm actually trying to move right now.
SPIKE: Me, too.
BUFFY: Well... this can't be good.

BUFFY: We all have places that we'd rather be.
SPIKE: Things we'd rather be doing.

Okay, so maybe "soon" was a bit of an overstatement.

As You Were

DOUBLEMEAT PALACE GUY: And the gum under the tables, be sure to give it a good scrape before you go.
BUFFY: May I?

DOUBLEMEAT PALACE GUY: See you tomorrow.
BUFFY: Yes you will. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that...

Vamp: What's that smell? Geeze, Slayer, is that you?
BUFFY: I've been working.
Vamp: Where, in a slaughterhouse?
BUFFY: Doublemeat Palace.
Vamp: Ohhh... You know what? Let's just call it a night. If it's all the same to you, and you've been eating that stuff, I'm not so sure I want to bite you.
BUFFY: You're dead. You smell like it. How do you get to say I'm the one who's stinky?

BUFFY: Oh, for pete's sake. Spike?
SPIKE: It's a fair cop. You caught me Slayer. However, in all honesty, I think we have to say this one doesn't count. After all, I wasn't exactly hiding.

SPIKE: So it's the fear of getting caught then, is it?
BUFFY: Reason number one on a very long list.

Have a good time. Somebody should.

RILEY: Hey.
BUFFY: Huh?

BUFFY: You're here.
RILEY: I know.
BUFFY: And, were you always this tall?

RILEY: This isn't the way I wanted it, but something's come up, something big, and we don't have much time. You understand?
BUFFY: Not a word you've said so far.

RILEY: I want to explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad, and now it's come to Sunnydale.
BUFFY: My hat has a cow.

BUFFY: So they're like really mean tribbles.

RILEY: You ready for this?
BUFFY: Yes, please.

BUFFY: Nice wheels.
RILEY: Came with the car.

RILEY: How you doing?
BUFFY: Complicated question.
RILEY: I just meant...
BUFFY: I know.
RILEY: I hear you. I got some, uh, big stories to tell you, too. If we ever get half a second.
BUFFY: Did you die?
RILEY: No.
BUFFY: I'm gonna win.

RILEY: No offense, but this is black ops and you look like a pylon.
BUFFY: Ninja wear.
RILEY: Battle gear. Lightweight kevlar. State of the art.
BUFFY: What a surprise.
RILEY: Boys like toys. Put it on. Thank me later.

SAM FINN: What exactly are you doing with my husband?
BUFFY: Husband? Wife. And those aren't code names like Big Dog or Falcon or...?

BUFFY: How long have you been married?
RILEY: Four months, almost.
BUFFY: Mazel tov. Any children?

BUFFY: So, you guys do this often, you know, the whole husband-
wife tag-team demon-fighting thing?
RILEY: It's what brought us together.

SAM FINN: You got a safe-house?
BUFFY: I have a house. I think it's safe.

WILLOW: Please - let me carry the hate for the both of us.
BUFFY: Go nuts.

Which means we have to find the nest, and fast, before Sunnydale turns into the Troublemeat Palace. I wish I'd said something else.

BUFFY: So who's hungry? We got...
DAWN: Ice cubes.
BUFFY: All you can eat.

SAM FINN: Patrolling with the real live Slayer. You're like Santa Claus or BudD'HOFFRYNa or something.
BUFFY: Fat and jolly?

BUFFY: He's too incompetent. It's just Spike, Riley.
RILEY: Right. Deadly, amoral, opportunistic. Or have you forgotten?

RILEY: Can you shut him up?
BUFFY: Not so far.

BUFFY: I'm not exactly gun girl.
RILEY: You want to live, learn fast!

BUFFY: I'm sleeping with Spike.
RILEY: I had actually noticed that.

RILEY: Hey! You want me to say that I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that burger smell is appealing?
BUFFY: You smelled the smell?

RILEY: You're still the first woman I ever loved, and the strongest woman I've ever known. And I'm not advertising this to the missus, but you're still quite the hottie.

Hell's Bells

WILLOW: Buffy, it's hideous. Oh my god, Buffy, look at its arms!
BUFFY: I know. But it's my duty. I'm Buffy the bridesmaid.
WILLOW: Duty-shmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number?
BUFFY: No.
WILLOW: Oh.
BUFFY: That would be totally unfair. We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridemaidsdom.
WILLOW: Oh. Well, maybe if I ask Anya, I can still go with the traditional blood larvae and burlap. I mean, she was a vengeance demon for, like, a thousand years. She would know all the most flattering larvae...

I just can't believe everyone bought that story about Anya's people being circus folks. Did you see the guy with the tentacles? What's he supposed to be, Inky the Squid-boy?

WILLOW: Did you see how much they drank?
BUFFY: Kinda. Mr. Harris threw up in my purse.

BUFFY: It'll fit.
XANDER: Ah, man, what if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund, and then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt! Buffy, that cannot happen. I must wear das cummerbund!

BUFFY: You're glowing. Oh my god - maybe you're pregnant!
XANDER: Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'm just happy.

XANDER: How do I look?
BUFFY: Well, let's see - found your shoes, your fly's zipped... I'd say you looked like you're ready to get married.

BUFFY: Now, into the breach with you.
XANDER: Okay, breach me.

XANDER: Now, let's go over the list one more time. Number 1...
BUFFY: Don't let your dad near the bar.
XANDER: Check. Number 2...
BUFFY: Don't let your mom near the bar.
XANDER: Check.

TONY HARRIS: What do you say we slip in the back room and I show you my...
BUFFY: You finish that sentence, and I guarantee you won't have anything to show.

SPIKE: You meet my friend?
BUFFY: No, not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.

BUFFY: But if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts.
SPIKE: I'm sorry. Oh... good!

BUFFY: Go where? Your place?
SPIKE: Yeah, I suppose. That was the idea.
BUFFY: Yeah.
SPIKE: Evil.
BUFFY: Of course.

SPIKE: It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You glow.
BUFFY: That's because the dress is radioactive.

SPIKE: But it hurts?
BUFFY: Yeah.
SPIKE: Thanks.
BUFFY: You're welcome.

Yeah, you know, he's not just a minister, he's also a doctor. You know, he's half minister, half doctor. He's a... minitor. Not, of course, to be confused with a minotaur, because he's all, you know, man-ness. Doctor minister man. No bull parts whatsoever.

XANDER: It's dead.
BUFFY: Yup.
WILLOW: Is anyone waiting for it to go "poof"? Maybe we can cover it with flowers?

They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train.

Normal Again

Oh, hi. You didn't, by chance, happen to just eat a couple of nerds, did you?

WILLOW: They're probably just friends. I press my lips against my friends' all the time.
BUFFY: I'm sure they're just friends. Once you fall for Willow, you stay fallen.

WILLOW: So, you left her at the altar, but you still wanna...
BUFFY: You still wanna date?

SPIKE: You looking for me?
BUFFY: Really not.

Doctor: Do you know where you are?
BUFFY: Sunnydale.
Doctor: No. None of that's real. None of it. You're in a mental institution. You've been with us now for six years.

BUFFY: Some kind of gross, waxy demon-thing poked me.
XANDER: And when you say "poke"...?
BUFFY: In the arm!

BUFFY: They told me that I was sick, I guess crazy, and that Sunnydale and all of this -- none of it was real.
XANDER: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous. What? You think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy...?

BUFFY: I'm okay, Dawn.
DAWN: The thousand-yard stare really helps sell that.

'Cause what's more real? A sick girl in an institution, or some kind of supergirl, chosen to fight demons and save the world? That's ridiculous. A girl who sleeps with the vampire she hates?!? Yeah, that makes sense.

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