Season Five

Buffy Vs. Dracula

Anya: "Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness."
Tara: "Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put."
Willow: "I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks."

Willow: "Game over?"
Riley: "Buffy slayed the football."

Willow: "Ignis incende."
Buffy: "Willow, check you out. Witch-fu."
Willow: "It's no big. You just have to balance the elements, so when you affect one, you don't wind up causing... (rain starts) I didn't do it, I didn't do it!"

Willow: "There you go. All set."
Giles: "Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me."
Willow: "Just call me the computer whisperer."

Giles: "Start with those."
Willow: "Start? Where is finish?"

"Doesn't winter seem more like archiving season?"

Willow: "It's just, you've been Mr. Project all summer. Labeling the amulets and indexing your diaries. I draw the line at making giant rubber-band balls. That's when you'll just have to get a life."
Giles: "That's what I'm trying to do, actually, is get a life."
Willow: "It might go better if you left the house."

Willow: "Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody will know I know. You know?"
Giles: "Did that mean yes?"

"You're Buffy's Watcher. I mean, in a fired way..."

"But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched. Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball."

Willow: "Xand, what if somebody has a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone...?"
Xander: "News flash, Will, everybody knows."
Willow: "No, this isn't about me and Tara."
Xander: "Oh, well. Not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty."
Willow: "Sorry, this is the non-naughty variety."

Tara: "You thought Dracula was sexy?"
Willow: "Oh, no. He, he was... yuch."

Willow: "Well, I think we have Dracula factoids."
Xander: "Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master." (everyone looks at him) "--bator."
Willow: "A lot of it we already knew. Turn-offs: wood, fire, crosses, garlic. Turn-ons: nice duds, minions, long slow bites that last for days."

Xander: "It's nothing. Just a scratch."
Willow: "Two deep, puncture-y scratches."

"A good Sunnydale rule-of-thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes."

The Real Me

Willow: "Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!"
Buffy: "Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?"

Buffy: "But Giles said that it just was..."
Willow: "The hell with Giles!"
Giles: "I can hear you, Willow."

Buffy: "What happened to 'People gotta respect a work ethic'?"
Willow: "Other people, not me. There's a whole best-friend loophole."

The Replacement

Willow: "If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. And we'll walk down the hall and say, 'La, la, I'm on my way to Xander's.'"
Buffy: "Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that."
Riley: "Really? I will."

Buffy: "How badly did you hurt him?"
Giles: "Well, hurt, uh... maybe not hurt."
Willow: "Well, I'm sure he was startled."
Giles: "Yes, yes. I'd imagine it gave him rather a turn."

Willow: "Was it sort of sandalwoody?"
Giles: "Um... not even remotely."

"I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so... no."

Xander: "It's me, Xander. And I can prove it."
Willow: "Oh. Okay."

Xander: "I woke up in the dump this morning."
Willow: "Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice hovel."

Xander: "It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me, designed to do evil."
Willow: "Uh-huh."

Xander: "But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me."
Willow: "That's not true. Sometimes we all helped to save you."

"You're just tired, and all soggy."

Xander: "Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it."
Willow: "I handled it fine."

Giles: "We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk."
Willow: "Check. Candles and pretense."

Out Of My Mind

"Look at us - we're arguing! We're having a debate about a college lecture. I have dreamt of this day since... forever."

Willow: "Should I be watching my occipital lobe?"
Buffy: "Your what?"
Willow: "Occipital, the lobe in the back of your brain? You know, like, should I be watching my back? But, you know, the back of your brain."
Buffy: "Apparently not."

"Aw, poor Buffy's brain."

"Oh, I feel like a witch in a magic shop!"

Willow: "Ooh, are these real newt eyes?"
Giles: "No, too rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes. It's the cataracts which gives them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though. It's just a matter of overcoming snobbery."

Tara: "Hmmm."
Willow: "What do you see?"
Tara: "Willow hands."

"What about a crossword? Some people say feed a cold, I say puzzle it."

Joyce: "I feel silly lying here like a lump."
Willow: "You can make a game out of it. A very quiet game about being a lump."

"Better to light a candle than curse the damn darkness."

Tara: "How'd you do that with the light?"
Willow: "Oh, you know, you taught me."
Tara: "I taught you a teeny tinkerbell light."
Willow: "Okay, so I tinkered with the tinkerbell."

No Place Like Home

Giles: "It appears to be paranormal in origin."
Willow: "How can you tell?"
Giles: "Well, it's so shiny."

"I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn. 'Cause she's, you know, a big spaz."

"Congratulations. You're an official capitalist running dog."

Willow: "Does this look right to you?"
Anya: "Sure, if you wrapped it with your feet."

Willow: "Tell me a story."
Tara: "Okay. Once upon a time, there was a kitty. She was very little and she was all alone and nobody wanted her."
Willow: "This is a very upsetting story."
Tara: "Oh, oh, but it gets better. 'Cause one day the kitty was running around the street and a man came and swooped her up and took her to the pound. And at the pound there were lots of other kitties, and there were puppies, and some ferrets."
Willow: "Were there dolphins?"
Tara: "Yes, many dolphins at the pound."
Willow: "Was there a camel?"
Tara: "There was the front of a camel. A half-camel."
Willow: "Did the kitty get chosen by some nice people?"
Tara: "Well, now you've ruined the ending."

Willow: "I don't need to be snuggled."
Tara: "Vixen."

"Am I late? Did I miss any exposition?"

Tara: "Even when I'm at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?"
Willow: "Magic."

Fool For Love

Xander: "What's with the hand wave? You see that? Does that, like, mean something?"
Willow: "It's code. I think it breaks down to 'choo-choo!'"
Anya: "It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him."
Willow: (whispering) "Ask him."
Xander: (yelling) "Hey, Riley? What's the (hand gesture) all about?"
Riley: "It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance."
Xander: "See, now he's all mad and sarcastic."
Willow: "It's because you were doing all that yelling, Mr. Stealthy-pants."

Xander: "You know what he's like? He's like a cat. You know, a big jungle cat. How come I'm not like that? It's just so cool."
Willow: (munching chips) "I think you're cool."

Shadow

Xander: "I'm just saying, I think it's rude."
Willow: "I wouldn't call it rude."
Xander: "Rude-ish, rude-esque, whatever you want to call it. When a person makes a "destroy all vampires" date, it's simple courtesy to wait for you co-destroyers. Am I right, Giles?"
Giles: "I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening."

Willow: "Tomb go boom."
Xander: "Yep, Captain America blowed it up real good. All by his lone-wolf lonesome."
Giles: "Rather reckless of him."
Xander: "I'd say very rather."

Willow: "It feels like we're going around in circles."
Xander: "Our circles are going around in circles. We've got dizzy circles here, Giles."

Anya: "Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!"
Giles: "Anya, your 'heys' are startling the customers."
Willow: "And pretty much the state."

Why was the big snake afraid of Dawn?"

Listening To Fear

Giles: "Oh my god, what a rough night."
Willow: "Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy."

"Oh, piffle, who needs him when I'm dusting two at a ti-- (her knees buckle and the boys catch her) Whoops. Maybe it would have been good if he had showed up."

"Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish."

"This is an extra special gift for your mom that I know she'll need: a beer hat!"

"And somehow, when I was in the store, this seemed like the most important idea, and now there's the whole part where I'm crazy."

Willow: "Buffy, I have this for you."
Buffy: "Homework? Ehh... I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore."

Willow: "She'll be all normal all the time."
Dawn: "Is that right?"
Buffy: "Hey, Santa doesn't lie."

Willow: "You know what's weird?"
Tara: "Japanese commercials are weird."

"You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but they made me feel like... like I was in space, part of the stars."

Willow: "There's Canis Minor, and Cassiopeia."
Tara: "And the Big Pineapple."
Willow: "Um, you know, I'm not sure I remember that one..."

Tara: "The real ones never made sense to me. I sort of have my own."
Willow: "Teach me."
Tara: "See those stars over there? 'Short man looking uncomfortable.' 'A moose getting a sponge bath.' 'Little pile o' crackers.' That... that was a bit of a stretch. You do it. What would you call... that one."
Willow: "Let's see. A huge flaming meteor about to crash into something!"

"Whoa. We have meteorite."

Willow: "Something evil crashed to Earth in this, and then broke out and slithered away to do badness."
Giles: "In all fairness, we don't really know about the 'slithered' part."

"We can't call Buffy. I want to call Buffy!"

Willow: "So, we'll just figure this out ourselves. We're experienced."
Anya: "Yes, 'cause it seems like we're always dealing with creatures from outer space... except that we don't ever do that."

"I don't want to be the one that finds the bodies anymore."

Willow: "Some witnesses claimed the meteor was hollow."
Xander: "Hmm, maybe with a chewy demon center, like ours."

  Into the Woods

Willow: "What time is it?"
Xander: "There's a clock behind you, Will."
Willow: "I know, but there a watch right above your hand." //looks at watch// "That can't be right." (looks at clock) "Oh."

Giles: "Oh, yeah... dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet."
Willow: "Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep, painting their little toenails."
Anya: "Oh, that's very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: 'I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal.'"

Anya: "You know, fine. Take her side instead of mine, even though I'm the one who sleeps with you, and feeds you, and bathes you."
Willow: "She bathes you?"
Xander: "Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bathy, geriatric sort--"
Giles: "Please! Stop. I beg of you."

Triangle


Willow: "We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane."
Tara: "I said 'quirky.'"

"It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape."

Tara: "Hellebore. One of my favorites."
Willow: "It's powerful stuff. I tried to use it to de-rat Amy and it didn't work, but I think it might have made her really smart. She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something, rubbing her paws together."

Willow: "There Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps. And then she just goes 'Presto!'"
Tara: "Only it won't be 'Presto', exactly."
Willow: "And voomph! There's a floating ball of sunlight. Vamps get dusty."
Tara: "You don't want to look right at it, though."

"It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl. And-- but don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years."

"I'm not stealing. I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?"

Willow: "We could show you how to do some stuff. You could be floating pencils by the end of the day."
Anya: "Sometimes I miss having powers... Oh. Oh! I know what this is! This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and have drugs."
Willow: "Look how easy."
Anya: "Hey, don't float the merchandise."

Anya: "Willow's stealing. She's a burglar."
Willow: "Right. the cunning, broad daylight in front of everyone burglar."

Willow: "Oops."
Anya: "The cash register! What did you do with the cash register? Dear god!"
Willow: "I'll fix it, I'll fix it! Recursat! There. All back. Good as new."

Anya: "She endangered the money!"
Willow: "Of course, that's what she cares about. 'I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services.'"
Anya: "Xander, she's pretending to be me!"

"Hey, Anya, whatever really has you mad, why don't you just say it, like you do every other thought that stomps through your brain."

"He's not a ball of sunshine."

"I released him? No, this was definitely a 'we' thing. Or, or a 'you' thing. It definitely feels like a 'you' thing."

Anya: "Well, I don't know how to put the top up. I only just figured out what the left pedal does. It makes us stop!"
Willow: "You don't know how to drive? Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?"
Anya: "Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?"

Willow: "There's a troll on the loose and you're gonna crash Giles' car!"
Anya: "It's likely. We're going very fast."

"Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind, but still."

Willow: "I wish Buffy was here."
Buffy: "I'm here."
Willow: "I wish I had a million dollars." (pause) "Just checking."

Buffy: "You dated a troll?"
Willow: "And we're, what, surprised by this?"

"I'm taking everything on relocation spells, suspension spells, and, what the heck, spells to make him really sleepy, because, slightly better."

Willow: "You're so rude. I mean, sure, at first-- ex-demon: doesn't know the rules. Well, you've been here forever. Learn the rules."
Anya: "Rules are stupid."

"You spent, what, a thousand years hurting men? You got your thousand-years-of-hurting-men gold watch."

Anya: "Is this the spell?"
Willow: "Only if you want him to double in size, and grow extra arms, which... let's not."

Anya: "I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you and your lips."
Willow: "No, it was not! Well, yes, it was so."

"Hello, gay now."

"'E conspectu abeat monstrum.'" (cash register disappears) "Damn."

Willow: "Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off."
Anya: "I don't know how."
Willow: "Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off."
Anya: "Oh, thanks."

Buffy: "Where did you send him?"
Anya: "The land of the trolls. He'll like it there -- full of trolls."
Willow: "It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it."
Anya: "It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp."
Tara: "There's a world without shrimp? I'm allergic."

Xander: "You going home?"
Willow: "I'm gonna stop by my mom's first. I've been doing that a lot lately."
Xander: "Yeah, I actually might stop by your mom's too. (off Willow's look) Well, I'm not going to my place. Those people are scary."

Willow: "The only thing is, it will get better, I promise."
Dawn: "You don't know that."
Tara: "Sure she does! We're witches. We know stuff."


Willow: "You had two eggs, sunny-side-up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs."
Tara: "Sassy eggs."

Willow: "It's got last week's notes too. Just get it back to me by Thursday... and don't write on it, or...or put a coffee mug down on it or anything... and don't spill. O.K. Oh, oh! And don't fold the page corners down. Bye!"

Willow: "Those darn Salem judges, with their Less-Satanic-Than-Thou attitudes!"
Tara: "Oh honey, let's change it. The Discovery Channel has koala bears."

Tara: "Everyone? Before we jump all over her: People do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night."
Anya: "Buffy's boinking Spike."
(pause) Willow: "Oh... well, Tara's right. Grief can be powerful... and we shouldn't judge..."
Tara: "What, are you kidding? She's nuts!"

Buffybot: [Readout]

WILLOW:
>BEST FRIEND
>GAY (1999-PRESENT)
>WITCH
>GOOD WITH COMPUTERS

Willow: "So, just this one time, you did something kinda crazy..."
Buffybot: "It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches!"

Willow: "We should move her. Unless we shouldn't. Should we?"
Anya: Couldn't that make it worse? I think I read that somewhere..."
Xander: I am so large with not knowing."

Willow: "Buffy's out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon, she's going to use Dawn to tear down the barrier between every dimension there is. So, if you two want to fight, you do it after the world ends, okay? Alright. First, we head back to Sunnydale. Xander will take Giles to a hospital. Anya's looking after Tara. Spike, you find Glory. Check her apartment, see if she's still there. Try anything stupid, like payback, and I will get very cranky."

Spike: "Uh, Will? Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but... what if we come across Ben?"
Willow: "Nothing, I don't think a doctor's what Buffy needs right now."

Willow: "Ben and Glory are the same person?"
Xander: "Glory can turn into Ben and Ben turns back into Glory."
Anya: "And anyone who sees it instantly forgets."

Willow: "Wish me luck?"
Anya: (cheerfully) "Good luck!"
Willow: "Thanks."

"Hey. I know you. You're that first original Slayer who tried killing us all in our dreams. How've you been?"

First Slayer: "Death is your gift."
Buffy: "Death is my gift?"
Willow: "Wait. Death is her what?"

Young Buffy: "Do you like dolls?"
Willow: "No. And I think we already deja'd this vu."
Young Buffy: "You talk funny."
Willow: "Yes, as you'll tell me again when we're older, and in chem class. Buffy, what are we doing here?"

Buffy: "This was when I quit, Will."
Willow: "You did?"
Buffy: "Just for a second."

Buffy: "I killed my sister."
Willow: "I think Spike was right, back at the gas station. Snap out of it!"

Willow: "I'm sorry. But all this... it has a name. It's called guilt. It's a feeling, and it's important, but it's not more than that, Buffy. Buffys. You've carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school. I know you didn't ask for this. But you do it. Every day, and so you wanted out for one second, so what?"
Buffy: "I got Dawn killed..."
Willow: "Hello! Your sister... not dead yet! But she will be if you stay locked inside here and never come back to us."

Buffy: "Wait. Where are you going?"
Willow: "Where you're needed."

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