Season Five

Riley: "What can you tell me about Dracula?"
Spike: "Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me 11 pounds, for one thing."
Riley: "You know him?"
Spike: "Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes."

The Real Me

"Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all."

Spike: "You look good."
Harmony: "I feel good."
Spike: "I remember."

Harmony: "I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff."
Spike: "What, 'Evil For Dummies'?"

"Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new big bad. It's, uh... well, let's face it, it's adorable."

Harmony: "I've found the real me, and I like her."
Spike: "Hope you'll be very happy together."

"Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you."

The Replacement

Out Of My Mind

Buffy: "Spike, what are you doing here?"
Spike: "Same reason as you and your cub scout here, I wager. Wanted a spot of violence before bedtime."

"And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?"

Spike: "Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy is entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow."
Buffy: "Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say!"

"I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice, and drink deep."

"Ow!"

"Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?"

Spike: "Buffy's looking for you?"
Harmony: "Of course! That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis."

Harmony: "Come on, Spike. Pretty please? I'll do anything."
Spike: "Anything, will you?"
Harmony: "Yeah, I said I'll do anything. Oh, you mean, will I have sex with you? Well, yeah."

Spike: "Taking up smoking, are you?"
Harmony: "I am a villain, Spike, hello!"
Spike: "I guess you are at that."

Spike: "I guess you're gonna have to kill her."
Harmony: "I tried! It was all hard and stuff. You do it."
Spike: "I'd love to, but I can't. Remember? I've got this cute little government chip in my head."
Harmony: "Oh, right. Guess it'll have to be me after all. Can you help with the thinking?"

Spike: "Is it bigger than a breadbox?"
Harmony: "No. Four left."
Spike: "So it's smaller than a breadbox?"
Harmony: "No. Only three."
Spike: "Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?"
Harmony: "Yes! Oh my god. Someone's Blondie Bear is a 20-questions genius!"

Spike: "Oh dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die?"

"Little performance anxiety, eh, doc? Butterflies in the old belly? Harm, do us a favor. Shoot the nasty butterflies for the good doctor."

Harmony: "I read in a magazine that some women think a man's real sex organ is his brain. Yecch. No contest. I mean, look at it. It's so... pink and wriggly-looking. Can I touch it?"
Doctor & Spike: "No!"

Harmony: "Wow, Spikey, how does it feel?"
Spike: "Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint."

Harmony: "Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means that he can't even pick flowers."
Spike: "What?! Yes, I can."

"Harmony, if your incessant prattling bollixes up this operation, I'm gonna personally rip out your pink and wriggly tongue."

"Bathe in the Slayer's blood. I've gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke."

"Listen to me. My stomach's growling, I'm so starved. I'm afraid I'm going to have to have me a little snack. Oh, don't worry. I won't fill up on the bread. I'll still have plenty of room for the main course."

Spike: "Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there. That nasty little face, that bouncing, shampoo- commercial hair. That whole holier-than-thou attitude."
Harmony: "Well, aren't we kind of unholy by definition..."

"Oh god, no. Please no."

No Place Like Home

Buffy: "Don't take this the wrong way, but... (punches Spike in the nose) ...what are you doing here? Five words or less."
Spike: "Out. For. A. Walk.... Bitch."

"You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between... parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day, but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole 'burst into flame' phase."

"The whole crowd-pleasing 'threats and swagger' routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so, 'cause god knows you need some satisfaction in life, besides shagging Captain Cardboard, and... and I never really liked you, anyway, and -- and you have stupid hair."

Family

Harmony: "Apparently he got recruited by some big nether-wig, and now he's on a mission. You think they might actually do it? Kill her?"
Spike: "God, that would be... pleasant."
Harmony: "Well, if they do, I think we should do something... like a gift basket or something."

Mr. McClay: "What in god's name is that?"
Spike: "Lei-ach demon. Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow sucking."

Giles: "And... you're not just dealing with two little girls."
Xander: "You're dealing with all of us."
Spike: "'Cept me."
Xander: "'Cept Spike."
Spike: "I don't care what happens."

Spike: "Why don't I make this simple." (punches Tara)
Tara: "Ow!"
Spike: "Ow!" (clutches head)

"There's no demon in there. It's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? You're a piece of work. I like you."

Tara: "He hurt my nose."
Spike: "Yeah, you're welcome."

Fool For Love

"Ow! Wait, not 'ow.' Are you feeling all right, Slayer? This stuff usually hurts."

Spike: "You know, there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them."
Buffy: "Update, Spike: We're not here to discuss the fine choice of hops."

Buffy: "Tell the tale, you get the cash."
Spike: "Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers, and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up."

Spike: "Since I agreed to your little proposition, we can do this my way. Wings."
Buffy: "What?"
Spike: "Spicy buffalo wings. Order me up a plate. I'm feeling peckish."

"As I thought -- some nasty thing got a taste of you."

"Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, digging up past uglies, 'cause you're 'fine'."

Buffy: "Were you born this big a pain in the ass?"
Spike: "What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad."

William: "Luminous. Oh, no, no, no. Irr-irradiant's better."

William: "Quickly, I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for 'gleaming'? it's a perfectly perfect word, as many words go, but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see."
Guy: "'My heart expands, 'tis grown a bulge in it, inspired by your beauty effulgent.' Effulgent?"

Girl: "Have you heard? They call him "William the Bloody" because of his bloody awful poetry."
Guy: "It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!"

Buffy: "So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?"
Spike: "No, please! Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery channel."

"Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time."

"Oh, I'm sorry -- did I sully our good name? We're vampires!"

Spike: "You know what I prefer to being hunted? Getting caught."
Angelus: "That's brilliant strategy, really. Pure cunning."

Angelus: "A real kill, a good kill, it takes pure artistry. Without that, we're just animals."
Spike: "Poofter."

"I mean, if you're looking for fun, there's death, there's glory, and sod-all else, right?"

Buffy: "So, how'd you kill her?"
Spike: "Funny you should ask. (grabs Buffy) Lesson the first: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon. I've already got mine."

"You ever hear them saying the blood of a Slayer is a powerful aphrodisiac? Here now... have a taste."

Spike: "What are you lookin' at?"
Buffy: "You got off on it."
Spike: "Well, yeah. I suppose you're telling me you don't?"

Spike: "But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand, and the armies of hell besides, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later to have the thing we're all hoping for."
Buffy: "And that would be what?"
Spike: (whispering) "One... good... day."

"Lesson the second: Ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat them? Question isn't how'd I win. The question is, why'd they lose?"

Spike: "I could have danced all night with that one."
Buffy: "You think we're dancing?"
Spike: "That's all we've ever done."

"Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the day I die?"

"Sooner or later... you're gonna want it. And the second--the second that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson."

Spike: "Did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to."
Buffy: "I mean it."
Spike: "So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it!"

Spike: "Come on, I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance."
Buffy: "Say it's true. Say I do want to... it wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me."

"Beneath me. I'll show her. Put her six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish. Bitch won't need one."

Harmony: "Okay, I'm trying to be supportive here, so don't drive a stake through my heart like last time. But you can't kill Buffy. She's the Slayer. She is so gonna kick your ass."
Spike: "Got two barrels here that'll prove you wrong."
Harmony: "I knew you'd take this personally. You're so sensitive! How are you gonna kill her? Think! The second you even point that thing at her, you're gonna be all "Aaagh!" And then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street, unless she's had enough and just stakes you."
Spike: "Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours. But she'll be dead just a little longer than that."

"I did it for you. And you keep punishing me. Carrying on with creatures like this. Chaos Demon: Okay, you guys obviously have a thing going on here..."

Shadow

Riley: "What are you doing in here?"
Spike: "What, me? I was, um... What are you doing here?"
Riley: "Looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out you were in her bedroom."

Riley: "Were you... were you just smelling her sweater?"
Spike: "No! Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a predator thing, nothing wrong with it. Know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. (sniffs deeply at sweater) Ahh, that's the stuff, Slayer musk. It's bitter and aggravating." (growls)

Spike: "Look, I know for a bleedin' fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here."
Riley: "Right. What's a little sweater-sniffing between sworn enemies?"

Spike: "Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a de-invite on the house, keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest-list?"
Riley: "Because you're harmless."
Spike: "Oh, yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. At least I still got the attitude. What you got? A piercing glance?"

Spike: "Face it, white bread, Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you, but sorry, Charlie, you're just not dark enough. (Riley drags Spike into the daylight)"
Riley: "Am I dark enough for you now?"

Listening To Fear

Buffy: "What the hell are you doing in my house?"
Spike: "Right, then... caught me. Your basement's full of junk, and me being in need of... junk..."
Buffy: "You were stealing?"
Spike: "Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn, can I?"
Buffy: "Wait-- are those pictures of me?"

Buffy: "Riley?"
Spike: "It's me."
Buffy: "Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?"

"As usual, I'm here to help you, and I... are you naked under there?"

Spike: "Let's be reasonable about this."
Riley: "You may have noticed, Spike... I left reasonable about three exits back."

Spike: "Don't kill the messenger."
Riley: (ramming stake into Spike's chest) "Why the hell not?"

Spike: "Ow! Bloody hell! Oh, god! Hey."
Riley: (pulls out stake) "Plastic wood-grain. Looks real doesn't it?"

Spike: "Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey."
Riley: "Because you are."
Spike: "Well... yeah."

Spike: "The girl need some monster in her man. And that's not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go."

Riley: "If you touched her, you know I'd kill you for real."
Spike: "I had this chip out of my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?"

Spike: "Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone, even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you... the scent. No. You got the better deal."
Riley: "I'm the lucky guy. Yeah, I'm the guy."

Triangle


"Uh, there's something I gotta tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to... Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed -- by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you, best intentions. You know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right, while he's toddling halfway around the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side. Me, doing you a favor. And you being dead petty about it! Me getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and-- you ungrateful bitch! Bitch!! Buffy, there's something I wanted to tell you..."

"No need to talk about her, then. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time."

Xander: "Sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look. This what-the-hell-do-you-see-in-her? look."
Spike: "I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know?"
Xander: "Well, she was insane."

Xander: "Maybe you could fight him."
Spike: "Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much."

Spike: "I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Look at all these lovely, blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. I knew you wouldn't like it."
Buffy: "You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?"
Spike: "Well, yeah."

Checkpoint


Spike: "I saved you."
Buffy: "I was regrouping."
Spike: "You were about to be regrouped into separate piles."

"Wishing I was your boyfriend What's-his-height? Oh, wait, he's run off."

Buffy: "I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason."
Spike: "Don't need or can't keep?"

"Maybe that's your problem -- maybe you push them away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much. Or maybe, your beauty's fading, the stress of slaying ageing you prematurely -- things not as high, not as firm."

Spike: "Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slipping."
Watcher: "You've noticed a decline in her work?"
Spike: "Oh, yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments and she'll be crying on my shoulder, mark my words."

Spike: "Heard of me, have you?"
Watcher: "I... wrote my thesis on you."

"Oh, it's the Slayer. For a second there, I was worried."

Spike: "They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?"
Buffy: "No."
Spike: "Be funny if they did."

Spike: "Come on in. There's plenty of blood in the fridge."
Dawn: "Do you mean, like, real blood?"
Spike: "What do you think?"
Dawn: "Mostly, I think ewww!"

"Yeah, yeah. 'anything happens to 'em, I'll stake you good and proper.' Sing me a new one sometime, eh? That bit's gone stale."

Spike: "Don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on."
Joyce: "Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?"
Spike: "Oh, no, no. she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake."

Blood Ties


Dawn: "Geeze! Lurk much?"
Spike: "I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe."

Spike: "Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?"
Dawn: "Is that supposed to scare me?"
Spike: (sighs) "Little tremble wouldn't hurt."

Dawn: "Come on. I'm badder than you."
Spike: "Are not!"

Spike: "Magic shop, eh? All number of beasties between her and there. Bet they'd really go for a little red riding hood like you. Bet that wouldn't set too well with big sister."
Dawn: "I can take care of myself. (pause) You want to come steal some stuff?"
Spike: "Yeah, all right."

"Where'd he learn to write so bloody small, a fruit fly?"

"'The monks possessed the ability to transform energy... bend reality.' Blah, blah, blah. Good lord, Giles writes as dull as he talks, doesn't he?"

"Morning, Sunshine. If you've come around for eggs or sausage, I'm fresh out."

"Not like I knew she was mystical glowy key thing. Nobody keeps me in the bloody loop, do they?"

"Maybe if YOU had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of 'kick the Spike.'"

"She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a 14-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's crewing her up more right now? Spin the bloody wheel."

"You'll find her just in the nick of time. That's what you hero types do."



Crush


"I've got things to do. Bad, evil things."

Spike: "They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect."
Dawn: "I feel safe with you."
Spike: [chokes] "Take that back!"

Dawn: "And the lady just invited you in?"
Spike: "Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she did the invite."
Dawn: "And did you... let him live?"
Spike: "What do you think?"
Dawn: "Oh."
Spike: "Too much for you?"
Dawn: "No, keep going."
Spike: "And I kill 'em, right quick. The whole lot. But... there's someone missing. There's supposed to be this little girl... So I get real quiet, and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin. This little sigh. So I listened harder... it's very, very quiet..."
[door slams open]
Spike: "Oh, bloody hell."

Buffy: "Yeah, let's hear the story Spike is telling my little sister."
Spike: "Right. Yeah. So, uh, I knew the girl was in the coal bin. And I rip it open, very violently, and haul her out of there. And then I gave her to a good family, in a nice home, where they're never, ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin."

Spike: "I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowing."
Buffy: "Sorry, all out of cash. Why don't you hit on Giles-- hit UP Giles."

"Come on, what are you waiting for? Grab your coat and your pointy sticks."

Buffy: "Eww."
Spike: "It's not blood, it's bourbon."
Buffy: "Eww."

"Well, that was sad. I'm embarrassed for our kind."

Buffy: "These vamps have been here for a while. They've nested."
Spike: "So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?"

Buffy: "The late night stake-out, the bogus suspects, the flask... is this a date?"
Spike: "A... please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean-- do you want it to be?"

Spike: "You can't deny it-- there's something between us."
Buffy: "Loathing. Disgust."
Spike: "Heat. Desire."

Buffy: "You're like a serial killer in jail."
Spike: "Women marry 'em all the time!"

Buffy: "You don't know what feelings are."
Spike: "I damn well do! I lie awake every night."
Buffy: "You sleep during the day!"
Spike: "Yeah, bu-- You are missing the point."

Spike: "Sounds fun."
Drusilla: "It is. Like lollipops at the circus."

"Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? 'You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up some day.'"

Spike: "I think it'd be best now if you hit the road."
Harmony: "Why? Because she's back?"
Spike: "No. Because I am."

Spike: "I'm gonna kill Drusilla for you."
Buffy: "That doesn't prove anything... except that you're a sick, miserable vampire that I should have dusted a long time ago. And, hey! Already there."

Spike: "Don't mock this."
Buffy: "Go mock yourself."

Spike: "What the hell does it take?! Why do you bitches torture me?!"
Buffy: "Which question do you want me to answer first?"

Drusilla: "That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson."
Spike: "Oh, so now you're all ganging up."

I Was Made to Love You

"If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me."

Spike: "Bloody hell. You threw me through a window! What's that about?"
April: "You cannot make those suggestions to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend."
Spike: "You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren."

Spike: "I'm placing an order."
Warren: "Oh, no, I'm not making any more girls."
Spike: "Sure you are. Here's your specs."

The Body




Forever


Xander: "Oh, like you care about her."
Spike: "Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand!"
Xander: "And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched."
Spike: "I liked the lady! You understand, Monkey Boy? She was decent. Didn't put on airs. Always had a nice cuppa for me. And she never treated me like a freak."
Xander: "Her mistake."

Dawn: "I know why you're doing this."
Spike: "Do you now? Enlighten me."
Dawn: "Spike, I'm not stupid. You're, like, stalking my sister. You'd do anything to get in good with her."
Spike: "Buffy never hears about this, O.K.? Found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest!"

"Well, what do you know? Bitty Buffy!"



Intervention


Buffybot: "I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body."
Spike: "Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go."
Buffybot: "No! No, Spike. Never let me go!"

Buffybot: "You're evil."
Spike: "And that excites you?"
Buffybot: "It excites me, it terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you and I can't."
Spike: "Yeah?"
Buffybot: "Darn your sinister attraction!"

Buffybot: "Spike, I can't help myself! I love you!"
Spike: "You're mine, Buffy."
Buffybot: "Should I start this program over again?"

Spike: "She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well I'm not going to deny her. I'm not a monster."
Xander: "Yes, you are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them."
Spike: "Well, yeah. You got me there."

"Damn right I'm impure! I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow."

Glory: "I am a god."
Spike: "The god of what? Bad home perms?"
Glory: "Shut up! I command you: Shut up!"
Spike: "Yeah, o.k. Sorry. But I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words: the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim, ex-god like you."
(she power-kicks him across the room, through the wall... and out of his chains) Spike: (spitting up more blood) "Good plan, Spike."

"'Cuz Buffy -- the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy -- anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. Couldn't live, her being that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."

Tough Love

Spike: "So you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of god-blood until you, what... explained?"
Buffy: "What, you think she... no. I told Willow it would be, like, suicide."
Spike: (shrug) "I'd do it." (off her look) "Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it."


Spiral

Spike: "Buckle-up, kids! Daddy's putting the hammer down!
Spike: "We'd already be somewhere if Captain Slowpoke would give up the wheel. Hey, Gramps! Bloody step on it!

Giles: "Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power.
Anya: "He doesn't travel well. He's like fine shrimp.
Spike: "Or what? You're gonna toss your cookies on my shoes?"
Xander: "Or you can be Undead Man Walking. See how fast you can hitch a ride with a flaming... thumb..."
Spike: "Fine. Shrimp!"

"No biggie. Look, the skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play peek-a-boo with Mr. Sunshine all you like. Keeps the ride from getting boring."

Tara: (looking out window) Horsies!"
Willow: "Tara!"
Giles: "Weapons?"
Spike: "Hello! You're driving one!"
Willow: "Don't hit the horsies!"
Buffy: (to Willow) "We won't!" (to Giles) "Aim for the horsies."

Dawn: (bandaging his hands) "Keep the pressure on."
Spike: "Always do, Sweet Pea."

"Florence Bloody Nightingale to the rescue."

"So, what's the story with these role-playing rejects?"

"You sure Scarface here can habla the English?"

Willow: (spellcasting) "Discharge and bring light!"
Spike: "Handier than a Swiss knife. Oh, the door to my crypt's got this nasty squeak, maybe you could..."

Xander: "You know those things will kill you." (off Spike's look) "Oh, right. Have I mentioned today how much I don't like you?"
Spike: "You might have let it slip in once or twice."

Xander: "How're your feelers?"
Spike: "Nothing compared to the little bits we're gonna be chopped into when the Renaissance Faire kicks the door in."

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