Season Five
Buffy
Vs. Dracula
Buffy: "Go, Team Me!"
Riley: "Anyone ever told Team You the quarterback throws like a girl?"
Buffy: "I do?"
Willow: "Game over?"
Riley: "Buffy slayed the football."
Buffy: "I told you he'd heard of me, right? I mean, can you believe that? Count
Famous heard of me."
Riley: "I couldn't believe it the first 20 times you told us, but it's starting
to sink in now."
Buffy: "I'm sorry. Am I repeat-o girl?"
Buffy: "No killing until we know exactly what we're dealing with."
Riley: "You're not just saying that because of those dark, penetrating eyes
of his, are you?"
Buffy: "No! His eyes were... they were... there was no penetration. Cross my
heart."
Buffy: "Maybe if you just lie down with me..."
Riley: "Nothing you're about to say will lead to rest."
Riley: "What can you tell me about Dracula?"
Spike: "Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me 11 pounds, for one thing."
Riley: "You know him?"
Spike: "Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about
his foes."
Buffy: "There was just this voice, and it was telling me to cover it."
Riley: "And what'd I tell you? That's thrall."
Riley: "I shouldn't take this personally. I mean, what with Angel, I mean, it's
understandable that there would be transference. I mean, they're both broody
immortals."
Buffy: "I am not transfer-y."
Riley: "I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never
noticed before?"
Giles: "A castle?"
Riley: "A big, honking castle."
Xander: "Nobody harms my Master."
Riley: "Your Master?"
Xander: "You want him? You come through me."
(Riley punches Xander -- Xander drops)
Riley: "Okey-dokey."
Giles: "Oh, my shoe. Silly me. I'll just pop..."
Riley: "No, no, no sir. No more chick-pit for you."
Riley: "It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the
Dracu-babes like Giles here."
Giles: "I was not making time, I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures
when Riley interrupted me."
Riley: "Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?"
The
Real Me
Buffy: "Suck up."
Riley: "What? It's a nice outfit. Besides, 'I'm here to violate your firstborn'
never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why."
Riley: "I thought we had plans today?"
Buffy: "Plans? We planned plans?"
Riley: "Well, you said, 'Come over tomorrow and we'll hang,' and then I said,
'Okay.' Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan."
Riley: "Oh, Slayer training?"
Buffy: "Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important."
Buffy: "Are you mad at me?"
Riley: "No, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way."
Riley: "See you, kid!"
Dawn: "I'm not a kid!"
Riley: "So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer, and shield
you from it at the same time?"
Buffy: "Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has
no place in it."
Riley: "I'm getting that."
"Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing."
"You have superpowers, and college, a studly, yet sensitive boyfriend."
The
Replacement
Buffy: "Hey! I'm enjoying the studying."
Riley: "Who are you, lately?"
Riley: "We, uh, we liked the ceiling fan."
Xander: "Yes. It's very, you know, kind of Old South."
Buffy: "But without the unpleasant slavery associations."
"He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?"
"If you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are.
I gotta have that. I gotta have it all! I'm talking toes, elbows, the whole
bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything."
Riley: "We can prove you're both Xander."
Buffy: "Yeah! How?"
Buffy: "What number am I thinking?"
Riley: "I don't think that's gonna do it."
Xander 1 & 2: "Eleven and a half."
Buffy: "Wrong. Oh! But see?"
"Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock
them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? Just me, then."
"Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody
else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like... it's like I'm split in two.
Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half
is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content... just knows: this is the
one. But she doesn't love me."
Out
Of My Mind
Buffy: "Mmm. that was relaxing."
Riley: "You, uh, want to relax some more?"
Buffy: "Hey, I have the endurance of ten men."
Riley: "Let's make it women, okay? Just for the imagery."
Buffy: "You know, it takes a lot to wear me out."
Riley: "Oh, I love a challenge."
"Very convincing. Makes me completely want to put myself under government control.
Please, take me where they can make me unconscious and naked."
"I go back, let the government get whimsical with my innards again, they could
do anything that... Best case scenario, they turn me into Joe Normal. Just...
just another guy."
"Come on, your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian."
Riley: "Loving you is the scariest thing I've ever done, Buffy."
Buffy: "I don't know why."
Riley: "How many fingers I got?"
Graham: "17."
Riley: "Hey, about before..."
Graham: "We're good. Apologize later, if you're not dead."
Buffy: "You are not going to die!"
Riley: "Bet you say that to all the boys."
Buffy: "How's it going in there?"
Riley: "Good. Back to normal."
Buffy: "Yep. And see? I'm still touchable."
Riley: "Give me a week or so to heal, and I'll take full advantage of that fact."
No
Place Like Home
Dawn: "You can't patrol. Buffy said."
Buffy: "No, I didn't."
Dawn: "Yeah, remember? You said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out
for anybody?"
Buffy: "Well, I wasn't talking about Riley."
Riley: "Don't worry about it."
Dawn: "Oh, she just said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitten-y,
and she'd better go solo, or you'd get hurt."
Riley: "So, what do I do?"
Buffy: "Lots. Tons. Lots and lots of tons."
Riley: "So you need me to light incense and pour sand?"
Buffy: "Magic incense. And... and spooky sand."
Riley: "Are you sure this isn't just your way of trying to make me feel less...
what are the words... cute and weak and kittenish?"
Buffy: "Kitten-y."
Riley: "Right. Much manlier."
Family
Xander: "Ow! Thumb. Necessary opposable thumb."
Riley: "Sorry. Crybaby."
Tara: "Yeah, you learn her source, and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection.
(everyone stops & stares at her) Th-that was funny if you, um, studied taglarin
mythic rites... and are a complete dork."
Riley: "Then how come Xander didn't laugh?"
Xander: "I don't know that taglarin stuff."
Riley: "Oh."
Buffy: "You're a god. You're like the god of boyfriends."
Riley: "Nah, I just like it when you owe me favors."
Buffy: "Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits."
Riley: "Oh, be still my heart."
Buffy: "She makes me crazy."
Riley: "That's kinda the word I was searching for."
Buffy: "What? She shouldn't be going over there."
Riley: "Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness.
Gotta nip that in the bud."
"What can I say? The place just reeks of class."
Sandy: This place is such a dive."
Riley: "No, no, it's great. You just have to close your eyes, plug up your nostrils,
it's fine."
Sandy: We could go somewhere else. Someplace more... private."
Riley: "Oh, Sandy, Sandy. It's no good. My heart belongs to another. Besides,
I don't go out with vampires. They're never interested in my intellect."
Fool
for Love
Buffy: "I can't believe I passed out. Do you think I'm a total wuss now?"
Riley: "Oh, yeah. I like a girl who can play a few hard sets of tennis with
a major stab wound."
Buffy: "You said it wasn't that bad."
Riley: "I said I've seen worse. There's a difference."
Buffy: "Well, at least no major organs got kebabed."
Riley: "Tell you what. I'll take the cemeteries -- you guys get the Bronze."
Anya: "Were we not being covert enough?"
Xander: "We're sorry."
Willow: "Sorry."
Xander: "We'll be sneakier, promise."
"It's okay. We can kill them just as dead in the morning."
Shadow
Riley: "What are you doing in here?"
Spike: "What, me? I was, um... What are you doing here?"
Riley: "Looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out
you were in her bedroom."
Riley: "Were you... were you just smelling her sweater?"
Spike: "No! Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a predator thing, nothing wrong
with it. Know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. (sniffs deeply
at sweater) Ahh, that's the stuff, Slayer musk. It's bitter and aggravating."
(growls)
Spike: "Look, I know for a bleedin' fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here."
Riley: "Right. What's a little sweater-sniffing between sworn enemies?"
Spike: "Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a de-invite on
the house, keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken
my name off the guest-list?"
Riley: "Because you're harmless."
Spike: "Oh, yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. At least I still got
the attitude. What you got? A piercing glance?"
Spike: "Face it, white bread, Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes
us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she
doesn't like you, but sorry, Charlie, you're just not dark enough. (Riley drags
Spike into the daylight)"
Riley: "Am I dark enough for you now?"
Dawn: "She sure cries a lot less with you that she did with Angel."
Riley: "Angel made her cry a lot, huh?"
Dawn: "Everything with Angel was all 'eyeee!', you know?"
Riley: "All...?"
Dawn: "You know, 'my boyfriend's a vampire' crazy crazy. Every day was like
the end of the world. She doesn't get all worked up like that over you."
Listening
To Fear
Riley: "Heard I missed out on some fun."
Xander: "Oh, yeah, fun was had. Also frolic, merriment, and near-death hi-jinks."
Riley: "No, it's not hot, it's warm. And broken. And sort of..."
Giles: "Hollow?"
Riley: "Yeah."
Anya: "So, we're all thinking the same thing, right?"
Xander: "Festive pinata? Delicious candy?"
Willow: "Something evil crashed to Earth in this, and then broke out and slithered
away to do badness."
Giles: "In all fairness, we don't really know about the 'slithered' part."
Anya: "Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb."
Riley: "No pulse."
Anya: "Yep, the space lamb got him."
Riley: "That might be toxic. Don't touch it."
Xander: "Oh, yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on
to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell."
"I'm just not great at research. Which I'm sure you guys figured out. I like
me a good crime scene."
"Believe me, something jumps out at me in the dark, you'll hear me even without
the phone."
"Not subterrestrial, Major. Extraterrestrial."
Buffy: "Can we put
this song on repeat?"
Riley: "Whatever you want."
Buffy: "Can we put the whole night on repeat?"
Riley: "Absolutely."
Buffy: "It's like all the tension's just left my body."
Riley: "Already? 'Cause I had that scheduled for a little later on."
Buffy: "Scheduled? Are you planning on seducing me, Mr. Finn?"
Spike: "Let's be reasonable about this."
Riley: "You may have noticed, Spike... I left reasonable about three exits back."
Spike: "Don't kill the messenger."
Riley: (ramming stake into Spike's chest) "Why the hell not?"
Spike: "Ow! Bloody hell! Oh, god! Hey."
Riley: (pulls out stake) "Plastic wood-grain. Looks real doesn't it?"
Spike: "Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey."
Riley: "Because you are."
Spike: "Well... yeah."
"Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough."
Riley: "If you touched her, you know I'd kill you for real."
Spike: "I had this chip out of my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't
love grand?"
Spike: "Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got
the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone,
even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding
you... the scent. No. You got the better deal."
Riley: "I'm the lucky guy. Yeah, I'm the guy."