Season Five

Buffy Vs. Dracula

Willow: "There you go. All set."
Giles: "Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me."
Willow: "Just call me the computer whisperer."

Giles: "Start with those."
Willow: "Start? Where is finish?"

Giles: "That's what I'm trying to do, actually, is get a life."
Willow: "It might go better if you left the house."
Willow: "Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody will know I know. You know?"
Giles: "Did that mean yes?"

Riley: "I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never noticed before?"
Giles: "A castle?"
Riley: "A big, honking castle."

"Oh, good show, Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change."

"That tickles. Ooh, oh, uh... oh, dear god."

Giles: "Oh, my shoe. Silly me. I'll just pop..."
Riley: "No, no, no sir. No more chick-pit for you."

Riley: "It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracu-babes like Giles here."
Giles: "I was not making time, I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me."
Riley: "Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?"

The Real Me

"There is nothing but you. You are the center, and within you, there is the core of your being... of what you are. Find it... breathe into it. Focus inward -- let the world fall away... fall away... fall away..."

Buffy: "You put it in neutral again, huh?"
Giles: "I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's not working out."
Buffy: "Giles, are you breaking up with your car?"
Giles: "Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty."
Buffy: "Little two-door tramp!"

Giles: "I was so at a loose end, that I found myself searching for... some way of feeling more--"
Buffy: "Shallow?"
Giles: "Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order."
Buffy: "Do I haveta?"

Dawn: "Hey, there's Willow and Tara!"
Giles: "Ooh, they haven't seen my new car."

Buffy: "But Giles said that it just was..."
Willow: "The hell with Giles!"
Giles: "I can hear you, Willow."

Giles: "That's odd."
Buffy: "Well, I think 'odd' just got upped to 'bad.'"

"I bet the death-rate keeps the rent down."

"Which begs the question: What kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary?"

Buffy: "Giles, are you sure about this?"
Giles: "Why wouldn't I be?"
Buffy: "Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before?"
Giles: "I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return."

Buffy: "How bored WERE you last year?"
Giles: "I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it."

The Replacement

"'Miscellaneous curses.' Brilliant. Lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrists."

Buffy: "How badly did you hurt him?"
Giles: "Well, hurt, uh... maybe not hurt."
Willow: "Well, I'm sure he was startled."
Giles: "Yes, yes. I'd imagine it gave him rather a turn."
Buffy: "He ran away, huh?"
Giles: "Uh, sort of more, turned and swept out majestically, I suppose."

Buffy: "So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?"
Giles: "Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me."

Giles: "Toth."
Riley: "What?"
Buffy: "He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron."
Giles: "No, Toth's the name of the demon."

Giles: "It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated."
Buffy: "Sophisticated? So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?"
Giles: "They are referring to the fact that he does not fight bare-handed."

Willow: "Was it sort of sandalwoody?"
Giles: "Um... not even remotely."

"I swear, this time I KNOW I had that locked."

Giles: "I said, Oh dear lord!"
Buffy: "You always say that."
Giles: "Well, it's always important."

Xander 1 & 2: "Kill us both, Spock!"
Buffy: "They're kind of the same now."
Giles: "Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself."

Out Of My Mind

Willow: "Ooh, are these real newt eyes?"
Giles: "No, too rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes. It's the cataracts which gives them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though. It's just a matter of overcoming snobbery."
Xander: "I'm telling you, Giles. You've got to set up a blind taste-test and prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good."

Giles: "Shall we, then?"
Buffy: "We shall then."

"We do have an associate who knows those caves like the back of his melanin-deprived hand."

No Place Like Home

Dawn: "This place is so... wow. I mean, check out all the magic junk."
Giles: "Our new slogan."

Giles: "Think about it. Sunnydale. Monsters. Supply and demand. They'll be lining up around the block in no time."
Buffy: "Yeah, you'll be making money hand over fist. Which I guess is a good thing..."

Giles: "It appears to be paranormal in origin."
Willow: "How can you tell?"
Giles: "Well, it's so shiny."

"Did you see that? Customers, real live customers. They came in, and I gave them things, and they gave me money, and then they left! It's brilliant!"

Anya: "I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter."
Giles: "The change is palpable."

Giles: "There's too many of them -- people. And they all seem to want things."
Xander: "I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay."

Giles: "Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?"
Xander: "Would that involve moving?"
Willow: "My feet are numb."
Xander: "I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain."
Giles: "I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. It just seemed so much simpler."
Anya: "You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better restock and raise the price 10%. Make it 15%."
Giles: "Anya..."
Anya: "Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it."
Giles: "Anya..."
Anya: "And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a seven-day background check--"
Giles: "Anya! Would you like a job?"
Anya: "Okay."
Giles: "Good."

Xander: "You're not worried about the Slaymaster General, are you, Big G?"
Giles: "No, no. Just hope she doesn't do anything too rash."

Fool For Love

Giles: "What does it say?"
Buffy: "Same as all the others. Slayer called, blah blah, great protector, blah blah, scary battles, blah blah, oops! She's dead. Where are the details?"
Giles: "Details? Well, it says this Slayer forged her own weapons."
Buffy: "Gotta love a gal with an anvil."

Giles: "The problem is that after a final battle, that, uh, it's difficult to get any, uh... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather, um..."
Buffy: "It's okay to use the 'D' word, Giles."
Giles: "Dead. And... hence not very forthcoming."
Buffy: "Why didn't the Watcher's keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just... stop."
Giles: "Well, I suppose if they're anything like me, they just found the whole subject too..."
Buffy: "Unseemly? Damn. Love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes."
Giles: "Painful, I was going to say."

Shadow

Tara: "'Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs.' Catchy."
Giles: "You think so?"
Tara: "Uh-huh. In a hard-to-read sort of way, but I think it's great."

Xander: "Rude-ish, rude-esque, whatever you want to call it. When a person makes a "destroy all vampires" date, it's simple courtesy to wait for you co-destroyers. Am I right, Giles?"
Giles: "I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening."

Willow: "Tomb go boom."
Xander: "Yep, Captain America blowed it up real good. All by his lone-wolf lonesome."
Giles: "Rather reckless of him."
Xander: "I'd say very rather."

Giles: "Ah, weeping Buddha. Shoulders your spiritual burden. Makes a lovely paperweight, too."
Anya: "Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!"
Giles: "Anya, your 'heys' are startling the customers."
Willow: "And pretty much the state."

Anya: "You sold someone a Khul's amulet and a Sobekian blood stone."
Giles: "Yes, I believe I did."
Anya: "Are you stupid or something?"
Giles: "Allow me to answer that question with a firing."
Xander: "She's kidding. Ahn, we talked about the employee/employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five."

"The truth is... the mystical and the medical aren't meant to mix, Buffy."

Buffy: "How did she get away with this bad mojo stuff?" (long pause)
Anya: (whispering) "Giles sold it to her."
Giles: "I-I-I didn't know it was her. I mean, how could I? If it's any consolation, I may have overcharged her."

"'Aleister Crowley Sings'? Sadly, no, I don't carry that, but I do have some very nice whale sounds."

Listening to Fear

Giles: "Oh my god, what a rough night."
Willow: "Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy."

Willow: "Something evil crashed to Earth in this, and then broke out and slithered away to do badness."
Giles: "In all fairness, we don't really know about the 'slithered' part."

Giles: "Perhaps we should explore a bit more. Head into the woods a bit." (pause)
Xander: "Who votes research?"
Anya: "Me."
Willow: "Research."
Giles: "Much better idea."

"Because it's a killer snot demon from outer space. (pause) I did not say that."

Giles: "Demons enter our world in all sorts of different ways. This one came from above."
Xander: "And the university library's astronomy section is the home of aboveness. Got it."

Giles: "Well, then, it would appear that the world is not being invaded."
Tara: "I'm pretty pleased about that."

Giles: "As if something emerged from the meteors, and quelled the madmen."
Xander: "Meteor go boom, crazy guy go bye-bye."

(sign in Giles' shop: DON'T FORGET Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Gurnenthar's Ascendance ARE COMING!)
"And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization, I'm a purveyor of it."

Anya: "Oh, who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all."
Xander: "That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken."
Anya: "Maybe we could do a holiday promotion -- one free with every purchase."
Giles: "Oh, yeah... dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet."
Willow: "Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep, painting their little toenails."
Anya: "Oh, that's very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: 'I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal.'"

Anya: "If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man, staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself."
Giles: "I say, that's an exaggeration."



Triangle

Giles: "The resources that the Watcher's Council have at their disposal... I mean, the central library alone is--"
Buffy: "Don't talk about the books again. You get all... And sometimes there's drool."

Buffy: "It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as you could throw them."
Giles: "Thank you very much."

Buffy: "These things happen. People break up and they move on. For a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but big picture..."
Giles: "Not so huge."
Buffy: "Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world. Don't you listen?"
(uncomfortable pause) Buffy: "I'm teasing. Sort of."

Giles: "Um, Anya, while I completely trust you to take care of the inventory and the money, um, dealing with people requires a certain... finesse."
Anya: "I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods."
Xander: "See there? She'll be great."

Giles: "I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days."
Buffy: "Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help."
Giles: "Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that."

Checkpoint


Giles: "Essentially, their agenda is the same as ours. They want to save the world and kill demons."
Anya: "Kill the CURRENT demons, right? CURRENT demons."

Giles: "If you're serious about this, madam, you need to be very careful. Measure precisely, and please, don't step ahead."
Quentin: "Oh, he's quite right. You wouldn't want to do anything dangerous. Turn the wrong person... into a badger."

Watcher: "This statue... its removal from Burma is a criminal offense, and when triggered, it has the power to melt human eyeballs."
Giles: "In that case, I severely underpriced it."

"You all stand around and look somber. Good job."

Quentin: "You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us."
Giles: "You used to pay me."

Quentin: "The council fights evil. The Slayer is the instrument by which we fight. The Council remains, the Slayers change. It's been that way from the beginning."
Giles: "That's a very comforting, bloodless way of looking at it, isn't it?"

Giles: "It's about who has the power."
Buffy: "I'm guessing they do. Big power outage in Buffy country."

Giles: "I should have set you loose on them, that's what I should have done."
Buffy: "Giles, that Travers guy is like 60. I can't hit him. Can I?"

"They can kill you with the strike of a pen -- poncy sods."

"Holding what they know hostage with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card, no less."

Buffy: "The magic shop will remain open, Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary."
Giles: (coughing) "Retroactive."
Buffy: "To be paid retroactively from the month he was fired."

Quentin: "Uh... Rupert..."
Giles: "Quintin?"
Quentin: "When we inventoried your shop, we found a bottle of single-malt Scotch behind the incense holders..."
Giles: "It's--it's not, you know, during working hours..."
Quentin: "I think I could use a glass."

Blood Ties


Giles: "All we have to worry about right now is that she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane."
Xander: "A crazy hellgod? And the fun just keeps on leaving!"

Giles: "I'm not sure our regular workout is challenging you anymore. Perhaps we should make it harder."
Buffy: "You always think harder is better. Maybe the next time I patrol I should carry a load of bricks and use a stake made of butter."

Xander: "You know, she kinda has a crush on me."
Giles: "Your point being?"
Xander: "Well, nothing... No, just saying, powerful being... big energy gal digging the Xan-man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?"



Crush

Joyce: "I'm relieved that you're home. Because, to be honest, I wasn't feeling all that safe with you gone... At first, and then I remembered that Rupert was here, and I felt much, much safer."
Giles: "Yes, thank you for that little back-pedal, but I'm forced to agree that I'm barely an adequate substitute for a Slayer in the house."

Giles: "About the best thing you can do now is behave exactly as you always have. Any special treatment at this stage is likely to undermine Dawn's sense of normality."
Buffy: "You think so?"
Giles: "Absolutely."
Buffy: "Thanks. Dawn!"
Dawn: "What?"
Buffy: "What did I tell you about borrowing my clothing?"

I Was Made to Love You

Buffy: "Spike! Spike wants me -- how obscene is that?"
Giles: "Well, it is very strange, I can't imagine what he's thinking. Not that you're not attractive!"

Buffy: "Tonight, I better go back and rescue Giles. He's been watching Dawn while my Mom's out on her date. And I have a feeling there's only so much he can take."
Tara: "Oh, Giles and Dawny? I bet they ended up having a blast."
...
Giles: "Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take."

Buffy: "What did she make you do?"
Giles: "Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys."

Buffy: "Unless you want to stay for a while, then you and I could--"
Joyce: "Who wants to hear everything?"
Buffy: "...listen to my mom talk about boys."
Giles: "Right. Must go. See you tomorrow."

Tara: "Do you have any books on robots?"
Giles: "Oh, yes. Dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before-- No, I'm lying. I haven't got squat. I just like to see Xander squirm."
Xander: "Funny. Charming and funny."

"We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy."



The Body


Giles: "Want to open another?"
Joyce: "Do we dare?"
Buffy: "As long as you two stay away from the band candy, I'm cool with anything."



Forever

Giles: "You don't have to do that Dawn. Just... just relax."
Anya: "Yes, sit down. We have some very amusing chicken feet you could play with."

Giles: "Then useful you shall be! We can always use a hand."
Anya: "But you have a hand. A paid hand. A hand that isn't the hand of the illegal child labor."
Giles: "Anya..."
Anya: "But of course it's wonderful that you find doing my job so distracting! I am unthreatened. Proceed."



Intervention

Buffy: "Giles, you don't have to help. You cooked."
Giles: "Oh, come on. I like to help. Helping you two out makes me feel useful."
Dawn: "Wanna clean out the garage on Saturday? You could feel indispensible."

Buffy: "What's in the trunk?"
Giles: "Supplies."
Buffy: "Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like food, water, maybe a compass?"
Giles: "How about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs."
Buffy: "I don't think I'll be that hungry."
Giles: "They're for me."

Buffy: "A Guide, but no food or water. So it leads me to a sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?"
Giles: "Buffy, please!... It takes more than a week to bleach bones."

Buffy: "So, how does it start?"
Giles: "I, uh, jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it. And then I... uh... shake my gourd."
Buffy: "Oh, I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around."
Giles: "Go quest."

Tough Love


Anya: "Yes! I've recently come to realize that there is more to me than just being human. I'm also an American."
Giles: "Yes, I suppose you are, in a manner of speaking. I mean, you were born here -- your mortal self."
Anya: (to Giles) "Well that's right, foreigner!" (to Willow & Xander) "So I've been reading a lot about the Good 'Ol Us of A, embracing the extraordinarily precious ideology that has helped to shape and define it."
Willow: "Democracy?"
Anya: "Capitalism!"

Anya: "Look at 'em! Perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs! All ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's Un-American."
Giles: "Appalling. Almost as if they no longer believe money can buy happiness."

Buffy: "I want you to do it. You can be the foot-putting-down-er!"
Giles: "No, Buffy, I don't think I can."
Buffy: "Please! Pretty please! I mean your foot is way bigger than mine... and you're so much more grown up than me!"

Buffy: "Right. She needs me. Me the grown-up. The authority figure. The strong guiding hand and stompy foot that is me!"
Giles: "That's the spirit."
Buffy: "O.K. I can do this."
Giles: "I know you can."
Buffy: "Please!"
Giles: "No."

"I hope this isn't a return. Everyone wants petrified hamsters, and they're never happy with them."

Giles: "You all right?"
Willow: "Yeah."
Giles: "Ah, yes, because your good mood is both obvious and contagious."

Minion: I will not betray Glorificus! I will never talk, no matter what heinous tort..."
Giles: "Actually you're talking quite a lot, just not about the right things. Tell us why you're here."
Minion: No word shall pass my lips that would bring peril to Glorificus!"
Giles: "Girls, get the twine that's on the counter. Let's tie him up."
(sickening off-screen crunch while their backs are turned) Minion: Aggh! Don't! I'll tell you anything! Please! Whatever you want! Just... anything!"
Anya: "What happened?"
Giles: "He changed his mind."

Xander: "Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place."
Giles: "It's dreadful."
Anya: "It's like communism."



Spiral

Giles: "I knew you'd best Glory eventually, I mean all our years of training..."
Buffy: "A truck hit her."
Giles: "Oh."
Anya: "You threw it at her?"

Giles: "There must be something in the Book of Tarnis that we've missed. Something that we can use against Glory."
Anya: "Piano!"
Xander: "Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time... no, wait, that was a rocket launcher. An, what are you talking about?"
Anya: "We should drop a piano on her. Well, it always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment."
Giles: "Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain."

"Look, everything will be all right. We just need to stay here. Calm. As soon as Buffy arrives..."
(beat-up Winnebago from hell screeches up)
... we'll feel, oddly, worse."

Giles: "What you did was necessary. What I've always admired."
Buffy: "Running away?"
Giles: "Being able to put your heart above all else. I'm so proud of you. You've come so far. You're everything a Watcher... you're everything I could have hoped for."

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