Season Five

Buffy Vs. Dracula

Joyce: "Buffy, if you're going out, why don't you take your sister?"
Buffy & Dawn in unison: "Mom!"

The Real Me

"Can we go now?"

"No one has an older sister who's a Slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks, just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world!"

"I could so save the world if somebody handed me super-powers. But I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn't even."

"Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires--they die from a splinter."

Buffy: "We're just going to the magic shop--no school supplies there."
Dawn: "Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts. Hog--Geeze, crack a book sometime."

Dawn: "They're always kissing... and groping. I bet they've had sex."
Riley: "See you, kid!"
Dawn: "I'm not a kid!"

"I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word 'newfangled' one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone."

Dawn: "Hey, there's Willow and Tara!"
Giles: "Ooh, they haven't seen my new car."

"They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs."

"You're hurting me. I'm telling."

"Xander's so much cuter than anyone. And smarter, too. He totally skipped college, and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of...deep, you know? He builds things."

Dawn: "Shut up!"
Xander: "Dawn, I'm handling this. Shut up, Harmony!"

Harmony: "They treat me like I don't even matter. Do you have any idea what that feels like?"
Dawn: "A little."

Dawn: "Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you."
(vamp extends one finger and lightly touches Dawn)
(vamp staked by Buffy)
Buffy: "Can't say she didn't warn him."

"Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me."

"Anya's going to be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out."

"She still thinks I'm little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surpr

The Replacement

"My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died 'cause she choked on her boyfriend's tongue."

Joyce: "This must be my two-teenage-girls-in-the-house headache. I thought it felt familiar."
Buffy: "Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache."
Dawn: "I did not. Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's."
Buffy: "But part of it is Dawn's."
Joyce: "It's so nice you've learned to share."

Out Of My Mind

No Place Like Home

Buffy: "Dawn, touch nothing."
Dawn: "Who died and made you the Iron Chef?"

Dawn: "This place is so... wow. I mean, check out all the magic junk."
Giles: "Our new slogan."

"You break it, you bought it. Heard you the first sixty times."

Dawn: "You can't patrol. Buffy said."
Buffy: "No, I didn't."
Dawn: "Yeah, remember? You said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out for anybody?"
Buffy: "Well, I wasn't talking about Riley."
Riley: "Don't worry about it."
Dawn: "Oh, she just said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitten-y, and she'd better go solo, or you'd get hurt."

"We can't all be born with big, fancy, chosen-one reflexes, you know."

Dawn: "What are you doing?"
Buffy: "My boyfriend. Go away."

"Oh, come on! Please! Please, like, times ten, and cubed! Please?"

Dawn: "I tell you I have this theory? It goes where you're the one who's not my sister, 'cause Mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys, and never told you 'cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings."
Buffy: "That's your theory?"
Dawn: "Explains your fashion sense. And smell."

Buffy: "I just had a bad day."
Dawn: "Well, join the club."
Buffy: "Can I be president?"
Dawn: "I'm president. You could be the janitor."

Family

Dawn: "I'm going to Melinda's for dinner."
Buffy: "Since when?"
Dawn: "Nowish."
Buffy: "You can't. It's not safe for you to walk there."
Dawn: "It's across the street."

Buffy: "You want to take Tara out of here against her will, you gotta come through me."
Dawn: "And me."
Mr. McClay: "Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls."
Dawn: "You don't want to mess with us."
Buffy: "She's a hair-puller."

Dawn: "This place is so cool. Except I have to wear this stupid stamp on my hand."
Xander: "That's to keep you from boozing it up."
Dawn: "Oh, please. Only losers drink alcohol."
(everyone lowers their cups)

Fool For Love

Dawn: "Some nail polish experiments are doomed before they even begin."
Joyce: "But you keep pushing the envelope, honey."

Dawn: "Did I just pull a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on. Who's the man?"
Buffy: "You are. A very short, annoying man."

"Oh, cool. I mean, gross."

"Oh sure. I save your butt and you dump all your chores on me."

Dawn: "When do I get to patrol?"
Buffy: "Not until you're never!"

Shadow

Dawn: "What is a CAT scan, exactly?"
Buffy: "I don't know. It's an x-ray, I guess."
Dawn: "Where do they get the "CAT" scan from? I mean, do they test it on cats, or... or does the machine sort of look like a cat?"

Dawn: "She sure cries a lot less with you that she did with Angel."
Riley: "Angel made her cry a lot, huh?"
Dawn: "Everything with Angel was all 'eyeee!', you know?"
Riley: "All...?"
Dawn: "You know, 'my boyfriend's a vampire' crazy crazy. Every day was like the end of the world. She doesn't get all worked up like that over you."

Listening to Fear

Joyce: "Listen, you two, I know this creamed spinach is pretty delicious, but I promise I won't be offended if you go out for some real food."
Buffy: "Are you kidding me? This is the good life. Relaxing in bed while people bring you food on trays."
Dawn: "I like the jell-o."
Joyce: "Help yourself. There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies."
Dawn: "It's good and wiggly. There's a girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground up cows feet, and that if you eat jell-o there's some cows that are limping with no feet, but I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet... right?"
Buffy: "You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk."

Buffy: "Waiting? Give me a break. We got tons to do."
Dawn: "We have soap operas to watch, and trashy magazines to read."
Buffy: "And an adjustable bed to fiddle with. That alone can keep me busy for four hours or so."

Willow: "She'll be all normal all the time."
Dawn: "Is that right?"
Buffy: "Hey, Santa doesn't lie."

Into the Woods


Dawn: "When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, 'I'm the Slayer, I'm going to get you!'"
Anya: "That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly."
Dawn: "No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know."
Xander: "Buffy's pretty cool like that."

Xander: "So, what do you want to do now, Dawnster? Keeping in mind that I won't chase you because I'm old and I'm stuffed full of Moo-Goo-Gai-starch."
Anya: "Oh, we could play that game again -- Life? That was fun."
Dawn: "For you. You always win."
Anya: "Well, we can make a wager this time. You can give me real money. That would be different."
Xander: "And after we teach her how to gamble, maybe we can all get drunk!"
Anya: "I don't think the bar would serve her. But we can bring something in. Strawberry schnapps taste just like real ice-cream."
Xander: "Okay, how about a movie? They're showing them in theatres now. I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor."

Xander: "The chimp, playing hockey? Is that based on the Chekhov?"
Anya: "There's a chimp playing hockey?"
Dawn: "No, the other one. I don't want to see a sad movie."
Anya: "We have to see the chimp playing hockey. That's hilarious. The ice is so slippery, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!"

Dawn: "I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink. Xander: "No, no... that's not it at all. They just need time to... um, be tender. Relax."
Anya: "He's not very convincing, is he?"
Dawn: "Alone time always translates into 'Get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex.'"
Anya: (looking at Xander) "Oh. Does that mean we can't?"

Triangle

Buffy: "No more bathrobe."
Joyce: "I looked at it today, and there it was, all fuzzy and blue, and I just couldn't stand it any more."
Buffy: "I don't think the rest of us will miss it much, either."
Dawn: "It was getting a little ripe, Mom."
Buffy: "Maybe we should burn it."
Dawn: "It would keep the bugs away."

Dawn: "Can I hang out in here?"
Buffy: "Don't touch anything."

Checkpoint

Spike: "Come on in. There's plenty of blood in the fridge."
Dawn: "Do you mean, like, real blood?"
Spike: "What do you think?"
Dawn: "Mostly, I think ewww!"



Blood Ties


Dawn: "Can I help?"
Willow: "Well, I don't think Buffy would like the black arts bumping auras with the littlest Summers."

"What's up with you? Did you get into the sugar again?"

Buffy: "How was school today?"
Dawn: "The usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair."
Buffy: "Just how I remember it."

Dawn: "I just think you're freaking out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?"
Buffy: "Glory is evil and powerful... and in no way prettier than me."

"Well, geeze, don't get all movie-of-the-week."

Dawn: "Why does everybody start acting all weird when I'm around?"
Xander: "Me? Me not weird."

Dawn: "Geeze! Lurk much?"
Spike: "I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe."

Spike: "Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?"
Dawn: "Is that supposed to scare me?"
Spike: (sighs) "Little tremble wouldn't hurt."

Dawn: "Come on. I'm badder than you."
Spike: "Are not!"

Spike: "Magic shop, eh? All number of beasties between her and there. Bet they'd really go for a little red riding hood like you. Bet that wouldn't set too well with big sister."
Dawn: "I can take care of myself. (pause) You want to come steal some stuff?"
Spike: "Yeah, all right."

"What am I? Am I real? Am I anything?"

Ben: "Couldn't find any marshmallows. I'll try to steal some for next time."
Dawn: "Don't like 'em anyway."
Ben: "What? Is that even possible?"
Dawn: "Too squishy. When I was five, Buffy told me they were monkey brains and..."

Buffy: "I have to get you home now. Mom's freaking out."
Dawn: "Oh. Is she mad about the whole fire thing?"
Buffy: "I think you sort of have a 'get out of jail free' card on account of big love and trauma."
Dawn: "Really? Okay. Good. You think she'd raise my allowance?"
Buffy: "Don't push it."

Crush

Spike: "They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect."
Dawn: "I feel safe with you."
Spike: [chokes] "Take that back!"

Dawn: "And the lady just invited you in?"
Spike: "Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she did the invite."
Dawn: "And did you... let him live?"
Spike: "What do you think?"
Dawn: "Oh."
Spike: "Too much for you?"
Dawn: "No, keep going."
Spike: "And I kill 'em, right quick. The whole lot. But... there's someone missing. There's supposed to be this little girl... So I get real quiet, and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin. This little sigh. So I listened harder... it's very, very quiet..."
[door slams open]
Spike: "Oh, bloody hell."

Dawn: "Spike's completely in love with you."
Buffy: "Huh?"


I Was Made to Love You


Buffy: "I might like it more than the others. Can you spin around again?"
Dawn: "Ooh, I'm not sure. Once more."
Buffy: "Now could you go the other way?"
Joyce: "You're messing with me."
Buffy: "We just wanted to see how many times we could get you to do it."
Dawn: "Was that five or four-and-a-half?"

Joyce: "So is anyone gonna talk about my dress?"
Dawn: "I like it."
Joyce: "You sure? it's not too Mom-ish?"
Dawn: "Oh. That was why I liked it."
Buffy: "You're both crazy. It's not Mom-ish at all. It's sexy. It screams, 'Randy sex kitten -- buy me one drink and I'll--' Oh, wait, that's not really good, either."
Dawn: "Mm-mmm."

Dawn: "You're going to that Spring Break party tonight. Maybe you'll find someone there."
Buffy: "Or maybe Brian has a son and Mom and I can go on some unspeakably awkward double dates."

The Body

Dawn: "My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it."
Willow: "That's bad."
Xander: "Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty boozehound."

Dawn: "Um, guys -- hello, puberty? Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing."
Anya: "That's a myth."
Dawn: "Yeah."
Anya: "No, I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus."
Xander: "The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop."
Tara: "There's a Santa Claus?"
Anya: "Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true."
Dawn: "All true?"
Anya: "Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise..."
Willow: "The reindeer part was nice."

"What a prima be-yatch. I swear, if I could make her head explode using only the power of my mind, that's what I'd be doing right about now."

"You know, my big sister could really beat the crap out of her. I mean, REALLY really."

Dawn: "Dawn: "I have to pee."
Buffy: "Do you want someone to go with you?"
Dawn: "No. I still remember how to pee."



Forever


Willow: "The only thing is, it will get better, I promise."
Dawn: "You don't know that."
Tara: "Sure she does! We're witches. We know stuff."

Dawn: "I know why you're doing this."
Spike: "Do you now? Enlighten me."
Dawn: "Spike, I'm not stupid. You're, like, stalking my sister. You'd do anything to get in good with her."
Spike: "Buffy never hears about this, O.K.? Found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest!"


Intervention

Buffy: "Giles, you don't have to help. You cooked."
Giles: "Oh, come on. I like to help. Helping you two out makes me feel useful."
Dawn: "Wanna clean out the garage on Saturday? You could feel indispensible."

Buffy: "Dawn, if there are any plates in your room, let's have them before they get furry and we have to name them."
Dawn: "Hey! I was, like, five then."

Buffy: "I love you. Really love you."
Dawn: "Gettin' weird."
Buffy: "Sorry, but it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love."
(cut to) Spike: "Some say it's better than the real thing."

Dawn: "We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with."
Tara: "It sounded convincing when I thought it!"


Tough Love


Buffy: "You lied to me?"
Dawn: "I didn't lie... exactly..."
Buffy: "Oh, really? What about all those times I asked you how school was and you said, 'Fine'?"
Dawn: "Well, it was! You didn't ask if I was in it when it was fine..."

Buffy: "This is for real, Dawn."
Dawn: "No, it's not. I'm not real, so why would my exciting graph of chores be real? Who cares if The Key gets an education anyway?"

Buffy: "Chicken salad."
Willow: "Right Here."
Buffy: "Eggplant -- that's me."
Buffy: "Salami with... ew... peanut butter? -- Dawn."
Dawn: "Yeah, like eggplant is normal. It's what? Half egg, half plant? That's just unnatural."

Tara: "No! The place is cracking! It's cracking. Cracking! No, oh, no!"
Dawn: "No, Tara, It's o.k."
Tara: (looking at her) "Look at that. Look at that! Oh, the light! So pure. Such pure green energy! It's so beautiful..."

Spiral

Dawn: "And then whoosh! All of a sudden Glory's standing right there in front of us, all skanky and blonde and thinking she's all bad just 'cuz some bumpy heads kiss her stinky feet -- she does have nice feet -- and she's coming right at us and Buffy's just standing there, not even blinking, like "Bring it on!" and wham! Hell-Bitch in orbit."
Xander: "Go, Buff!"
Giles: "I knew you'd best Glory eventually, I mean all our years of training..."
Buffy: "A truck hit her."
Giles: "Oh."
Anya: "You threw it at her?"

Dawn: "Any luck?"
Willow: "If you define 'luck' as 'the absence of success', plenty."

Dawn: "Hey, I think Anya's gonna try to cook. Want to come watch the tears and recriminations?"

Dawn: "You're not fleeing, you're...moving at a brisk pace."
Buffy: "Quaintly referred to in some cultures as 'The Big Scairdy Run-Away'."

Dawn: "At least things can't get any crazier, right?"
(crossbow bolt thunks into wall) Buffy: "You know this is your fault for saying that."

Dawn: (bandaging his hands) "Keep the pressure on."
Spike: "Always do, Sweet Pea."

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