Season Four

The Freshman

Xander: "Basically, I got as far as Oxnard, and the engine fell out of my car. And that was literally. So, I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous "Ladies Night" club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement, and I have to pay rent. How's college?"
Buffy: "Male strippers?"
Xander: "No power on this earth."

Buffy: "College is good."
Xander: "Okay, once more, with even less feeling."

"And you're sitting here alone at the Bronze, looking like you just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy."

Xander: "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. No, wait, hold on. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side. Hold on, no... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... Okay, can we forget that?"
Buffy: "Thanks for the Dada-ist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now."

Xander: "The point is, you're Buffy."
Buffy: "Yeah, maybe in high school I was Buffy."
Xander: "And now, in college, you're Betty Louise?"
Buffy: "Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. Or I might as well be."

Xander: "When it's dark, and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think - "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero. Okay, sometimes when it's dark, and I'm all alone, I'd think, 'What is Buffy wearing?'"
Buffy: "Can that be one of those things you never, ever tell me about?"

Buffy: "I think, I say thank you."
Xander: "And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband."

Xander: "You up for a little reconnaissance?"
Buffy: "You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?"
Xander: "No, that was the renaissance."
Buffy: "Oh. I've had a really long week."

Xander: "I don't know you, do I?"
Kathy: "No."
Xander: "This is very intrusive, isn't it?"
Kathy: "Little bit."

Xander: "Do we hug?"
Oz: "I think we're too manly."

Living Conditions

Xander: "Hey! Say hi to non-college guy."
Buffy: "Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys usually populate the non-campus?"

Buffy: "What's the deal, Xand? Parents not feeding you?"
Xander: "Sure they do... for a price."

Willow: "What was that all about with the cutie patootie?"
Buffy: "I don't know. Nothing serious, I think. Just random adorableness."
Xander: "Oh, a technique I know well. Hit the girl with your best shot, then hasta."
Oz: "Gotta respect the drive-by."
Xander: "Low rejection. Fond memories."

Xander: "Something apocalypse-y? Do we need to assemble the Scooby gang?"
Buffy: "No, but thank you for asking."
Xander: "I just got way too excited, didn't I?"

Xander: "Buffy, this hurts me more than it hurts you."
Buffy: "Not yet, but it will."
Xander: "Don't say that. Please don't say that."

Giles: "I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her."
Buffy: "Lite FM. Love songs. Nothing but love songs!"
Xander: "Ya think?"

"Oh, why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor?"

The Harsh Light of Day

Xander: "I'm not enjoying this."
Giles: "Well, shelve them correctly and we can finish."
Xander: "I just don't get your crazy system."
Giles: "My system? It's called the alphabet."
Xander: "Huh. Would you look at that."

"Anya? The last time I saw you fleeing in terror. How'd that work out for you?"

Anya: "So, where's our relationship?"
Xander: "Our what? Our who?"

"And there's the whole you used to be a man-killing demon thing. Which, to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours."

Anya: "I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked."
Xander: "Really? You know, if I'm in the check-out line at Wal-Mart, I've had that same one."
Anya: "So I can assume a standing Friday night date, and a mutual recognition of prom night as our dating anniversary?"
Xander: "Anya, slow down. In fact, come to a screeching halt."

Xander: "So... the crux of this plan is..."
Anya: "Sexual intercourse. I've said it, like, a dozen times."
Xander: "Uh-huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here."
Anya: "I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face-to-face for the event itself."

Xander: "But sexual interc-- What you're talking about, well--and I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this--but it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences."
Anya: "Oh, I have condoms. Some are black."
Xander: "That's... that's very considerate."
Anya: "I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now."
Xander: "And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith."
(ding)
Anya: "Fabric softener."

Xander: "Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us."
Oz: "I got to admit, I'm a little disappointed."

Fear, Iteself

Xander: "I don't know - I was going for ferocious/scary, but it's coming out more dryly sardonic."
Willow: "It does appear to be mocking you with its eyeholes."
Oz: "Yeah, and its nosehole seems sad and full of self-loathing."

Xander: "People, prepare to have your spines tingled and your gooses bumped by the terrifying... Fantasia. Fantasia?"
Oz: "Maybe it's because of all the horrific things we've seen, but hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to."

Xander: "I got better things to do than tag along to some fraternity."
Willow: "You can come."
Xander: "'Kay. But only because I lied about having better things to do."

Buffy: "I'm gonna get going."
Xander: "Now? Tonight's still... well, okay, it's a little mature, but still..."

Xander: "Sad Buffy."
Willow: "She didn't even touch her pumpkin. It's a freak with no face."

"Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else want to smack that guy?"

"Anya, you really have to get this knocking thing down."

Anya: "Your Uncle Rory let me in. Does he always smell like peppermint?"
Xander: "The man likes his schnapps."

Xander: "You said you were over me."
Anya: "And you just accepted that?"

Xander: "That's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say, and accept them at face value."
Anya: "That's stupid."
Xander: "I accept that."

Xander: "I can't say seeing you falls into the realm of a bad thing."
Anya: "Really? I thought maybe we could go out tonight. For our anniversary."
Xander: "Anniversary?"
Anya: "It's been exactly one week since we copulated."

Anya: "Are we dating?"
Xander: "There are definitely date-like qualities at work here."

Xander: "You'll need a costume."
Anya: "A costume?"
Xander: "Dress up. You know, something scary."
Anya: "Scary? scary how?"
Xander: "Anya, you, ex-demon, terrorized mankind for centuries. "
I'm sure you'll come up with something."

Frat Guy: "Eyeballs, man. Blindfold chicks, have them put their hands in the bowl, then tell them it's eyeballs. They love that."
Xander: "And here I was wasting time buying them flowers, and complimenting them on their shoes."

Xander: "Sensing a disturbance in the force, Master?"
Oz: "Oh, left speaker's crackling a little bit."
Xander: "And you feel stabbing it's the proper solution?"

Xander: "What ya got in the basket, little girl?"
Buffy: "Weapons."
Xander: "Oh."

Xander: "Insurance. You know, in case we get turned into our costumes again, I'm going for cool secret agent guy."
Buffy: "I hate to break it to you, but you'll probably end up cool head-waiter guy."
Xander: "As long as I'm cool and wield some kind of power."

Buffy: "Will! Medieval Will."
Xander: "Hail, ye olde varlotty... thou."
Willow: "I'm Joan of Arc. I figured, we had a lot in common. Seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, and plus, she had that close relationship with God."
Xander: (to Oz) "And you are?" (Oz pulls back shirt to reveal name badge reading 'God'.) "Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God."
Oz: "Blasphemer."

Buffy: "Perfect. Everybody's got a date but third-wheel Buffy."
Willow: "You're not a third wheel."
Xander: "Well, technically speaking, you're a fifth wheel."

Xander: "Ahhh! I wasn't scared. I was in the spirit."
Willow: "And we'll back you up on that. Even if they question us separately."

Xander: "What is it?"
Buffy: "Blood. Real blood."
Xander: "Okay, actual creeps have been given."

"Funny how you still haven't lost your sense of inappropriate humor."

"I'd offer my opinion, but you jerks aren't going to hear it anyway. Not that didn't-go-to-college boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out with my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care."

Willow: "The icon's called the Mark of Gachnar. I think this is a summoning spell for something called..."
Xander: "Gachnar?"

Willow: "It feeds on fear."
Buffy: "Our fears are manifesting. We're feeding it. We need to stop."
Xander: "If we close our eyes, and say it's a dream... it'll stab us to death! These things are real."

"Giles? Hey, everyone, it's Giles. With a chainsaw."

Buffy: "This is Gachnar?"
Xander: "Big overture. Leetle show."
Gachnar (in a tiny, high-pitched voice): "I am the dark lord of nightmares. The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!"
Willow: "He... he's so cute!"
Gachnar: "Tremble!"
Xander: "Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?"
Giles: "Don't taunt the fear demon."
Xander: "Why, can he hurt me?"
Giles: "No. It's just... tacky."

Anya: "What?"
Xander: "That's your scary costume?"
Anya: "Bunnies frighten me."

Beer Bad

Xander: "Rough day? Come on, Buff, be a lonely drunk."
Xander: "Rough day?"
Buffy: "Stop flicking at me."
Xander: "Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your college-y life. No more looking down on the townie. I'm the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face."
Willow: "Aren't you too young to be a bartender?"
Xander: "Au contraire, mon frere."
Buffy: "'Mon frere' means brother."
Xander: "Mon girl-frere. Behold." (shows patently fake ID)
Willow: "I don't believe this is entirely on the up-and-up."
Xander: "What gives it away?"
Willow: "Looking at it."

Xander: "Now I'm the bartender, I kick people out."
Buffy: "You know there's more to it than wiping and kicking? Mixing drinks, for instance."
Xander: "Oh, I've seen 'Cocktail.' I can do the hippy-hippy shake."

Willow: "I'm pregnant by my step-brother, who'd rather be with my best friend, and he's left me with no place to live, no food except for this bottle of Wild Turkey which I drank all up. 9pause) That was me being tanked and friendless for ya."
Xander: "Gets my Oscar nod."

Buffy: "Don't guys sometimes keep the girls they really, really like inside these deep little brain fantasy bubbles where everything's perfect? I mean, they do that, right?"
Xander: "How's that fugue state coming along?"
Willow: "Parker!"
Buffy: "Maybe I'm in his bubble, and then, pretty soon, he's gonna realize that he wants more than just bubble Buffy, and he'll pop me out, and we'll go to dinner and... it could happen, right?"
Willow: "Buffy that is my best friend, you need to think about not-Parker. He's no good. There are men - better men - wherein the mind is stronger than the penis."
Xander: "Pfft! Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud. Very unseemly."

"Ice water. Do you want that on the rocks?"

Smart Guy #1: "It sounds like the two of you were having quite the meeting of minds, possibly debating the geo-political ramifications of bioengineering. You have a take on that?"
Xander: "I've got beer. You want some beer?"

Buffy: "If he were tied and gagged, and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent, it wouldn't really be like I killed him, really."
Xander: "Buffy..."
Buffy: "I'm a slut."
Xander: "No."
Buffy: "Idiot."
Xander: "No."

Buffy: "Huh, huh, huh! It sings. Like it."
Xander: "It's time to go home, Buffy."
Buffy: "Want more singing. Want more beer!"
Xander: "No, I've cut you off."
Buffy: "Did it hurt?"

Buffy: "Want beer. Like beer. Beer good."
Xander: "Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying? Buffy, go home... and go to bed."
Buffy: "Say 'bye."
Xander: "Bye."
Buffy: "Bye."

Smart Guy #1: "Fire... fire pretty."
Xander: "Fire angry!"

Xander: "We got a problem. The guys... they... they're... Some of your patrons are turning into cavemen."
Jack: "They had it coming."

Jack: "Neat, huh? My brother-in-law's a warlock. He showed me how to do the..."
Xander: "No! No neat."

"Uh, how much beer would you say a person would need to consume before they seriously started questing for fire?"

"You're a bad, bad man."

Giles: "I can't believe you served Buffy that beer."
Xander: "I didn't know it was evil."
Giles: "You knew it was beer."
Xander: "Well, excuse me, Mr. 'I spent the 60's in an electric- kool-aid funky-Satan groove.'"
Giles: "It was the early 70's, and you should know better."

Buffy: "Buffy want beer."
Giles: "You can't have beer."
Buffy: "Want beer!"
Xander: "Giles, don't make cave-Slayer unhappy."

"Can't find the beer? Good. Freshman girl not able to hold the beer. Shouldn't have it. Get into trouble."

Xander: "Did you guys have enough fun for one night?"
Willow: "Yes, please."
Buffy: "Buffy tired."

Xander: "And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer?"
Buffy: "Foamy!"
Xander: "Good. Just as long as that's clear."

"Anyways, I think the boys in the car are contained for time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geopolitical ramifications of being mean to me."

Giles: "Whose car is that?"
Xander: "I don't know. It wasn't locked."

Wild At Heart

Xander: "Co-ed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous. What? I can dream."
Buffy: "Right. So if college is so great, what are we doing here and why is it more fun?"

Willow: "I think that it's brave that you're here."
Giles: "Well, thank you, all. You've made me feel right at home."
Xander: "Isn't home that empty place you're trying to escape?"

Xander: "Hey, Will. Mom let you in?"
Willow: "She seemed cranky."
Xander: "Yeah, we're having a little landlord/tenant dispute, so I'm withholding rent. An effective, and I might add, thrifty tactic."

Xander: "So, I know why I'm sitting in a dank, sunless little room. But why are you?"
Willow: "Well, things with Oz are weird, and I talked to Buffy about it, but I think we're in Guyville here. I need a translator from the "Y" side of things."
Xander: "Well, last time I checked, I had the creds. Hit me."

Willow: "What does it mean when a girl wants to... you know."
Xander: "If you're doing it, I think you should be able to say it."
Willow: "Make love."
Xander: "Wild monkey love, or tender Sarah McLachlan love?"
Willow: "Any kind. But what if the girl wants to and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?"
Xander: "Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the 7 annual minutes he's legitimately too preoccupied to do it."
Willow: "Well, say the girl's been noticing..."
Xander: "Will, I've deciphered your ingenious code."

The Initiative

"The latest in fall fascism."

"No studying? Damn! Next thing you'll tell me is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts, or sleep with a supermodel to get things done around here."

Xander: "Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient, unstoppable evil. Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. We show up and kick its ass."
Giles: "Wee bit unethical."

Xander: "How's Will dealing--?"
Buffy: "With the black hole of despair she's been living in since Oz left? She's dealing. I'm helping. It's hard. Ergo, party."

Giles: "That's a very impressive array. Where'd it all come from?"
Xander: "Uh, requisitioned it. Back when I was military guy."

Giles: "That was two years ago. You still 100%?"
Xander: "Are you kidding? I put the Semper in Semper Fi."

"Might as well face it - right now, I don't have the technical skills to join the Swiss army. And all those guys ask you to do is uncork a couple of sassy Cabernets."

Xander's Mom: "Xander!"
Xander: "Yes, mom?"
Xander's Mom: "I made a nice fruit punch for you and your friend. Would you boys like some?"
Giles: "Is it raspberry punch?"

Xander: "Every man faces this moment. Here, now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last."
Giles: "Oh, shut up."

Xander: "I'm warning you, I've been highly trained to put this through your heart. No mercy, no warning."
Harmony: "I can kill you where you stand."
Xander: "Bring it on, then."

Xander: "Ow!"
(Xander kicks Harmony)
Harmony: "Ow! You sissy kicker!"

Pangs

Anya: "You're pasty and wet and disgusting. They can dig without you."
Xander: "I don't really feel that bad."
Anya: "I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon. You look like you're getting all of them."
Xander: "Okay, I'll stay. But you should go. You could catch it."
Anya: "We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off."
Xander: "You're a strange girlfriend."
Anya: "I'm a girlfriend?"
Xander: "There's a chance I'm delirious."
Anya: "Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far, I like it."

Willow: "It lists the various--"
Xander: "Various? As in...?"
Willow: "Oh, well, the important thing is not to panic."
Xander: "Well, you just recited the mystical panic causing incantation, so little hope there. Let's talk about the various."
Willow: "Well, they did suffer from malaria, some smallpox..."
Anya: "I was gonna say smallpox."
Willow: "You know, syphilis. But basically, standard sort of stuff."

Xander: "Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?"
Anya: "It'll make you blind and insane. But it won't kill you. The smallpox will."

Anya: "You're gonna get vesicles and pustules. They have pictures."
Xander: "Question?"
Willow: "There are two sides to it."
Xander: "To slaying him? Well, the representative from syphilis votes 'yes.'"

Spike: "Oh, someone put a stake in me."
Xander: "You got a lot of volunteers in here."

"Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but some of that made sense."

Buffy: "You sure you're up to it?"
Spike: "Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead."
Xander: "I'm up to it."

Willow: "I think he thought we were crazy."
Xander: "Well, maybe if Anya hadn't opened the conversation with, 'Everybody got both ears?'"
Anya: "I liked his wife. She gave me pie."

Anya: "So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?"
Xander: "He's evil again."
Angel: "I'm not evil again. Why does everyone think that?"

Buffy: "Wasn't exactly a perfect Thanksgiving."
Xander: "I don't know - seemed kinda right to me. A bunch of anticipation, a big fight, and now we're all sleepy."

Xander: "And you know what? I think my syphilis is clearing right up."
Buffy: "And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wished it."

Something Blue

Xander: "Jeeze. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh."
Anya: "I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquify his entrails for her."
Xander: "That's sweet."

Buffy: "Wow. Way to rebound."
Xander: "I believe that's the dance of a brave little toaster."

Xander: "Will, not liking the drowning of the sorrows."
Willow: "Not drowning, wading. Uh, see? Light. No big."
Buffy: "No big? Anybody remember when Buffy had the fun beer fest and went one million years B.C.?"
Xander: "Sadly, without the fuzzy bikini."
Anya: "Off topic, Xander."

Xander: "That's okay, Mom, we don't need any more snacks."
Anya: "I liked those fruit roll-ups."
Xander: "Shush. I thought she'd never clear out. Besides, just think of my lips as the fruit roll-ups of love. Okay, that was gross."

"Spike! He's all untied! Which you probably noticed."

Buffy: "Spike and I are getting married!"
Xander: "How? What?!? How?!"
Giles: "Three excellent questions."
Spike: "What are you lookin' at?"
Buffy: "The man I love."
Xander: "Can I be blind too?"

Xander: "Something about Willow and her griefy "poor me" mood swings. So, so tired of it."
Anya: "You mean I don't have to be nice about her anymore?"

Xander: "Yeah, right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other."
Buffy: "Xander!"
Spike: "That's it. You're off the usher list."

Anya: "I'd been dumped. I was miserable. Doing a few vengeance spells - boils on a penis, nothing fancy."
Xander: "Please skip ahead."

Hush

Xander: "How could you say I'm using you?"
Anya: "You don't care about what I think, you don't ask about my day."
Xander: "You really did turn into a real girl, didn't you?"
Anya: "See? You make jokes during my pain."

Anya: "Well, I think we should talk about it now."
Giles: "Thank you for knocking."

Anya: "This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms."
Xander: "Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?"

Spike: "I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away."
Xander: "That's not exactly one of my fantasies, either."

Spike: "Like I'd bite you, anyway."
Xander: "Oh, you would."
Spike: "Not bloody likely."
Xander: "I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious."
Spike: "All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat."
Xander: "And don't you forget it."

Spike: "'Xander, don't you care about me?'"
Xander: "Shut up."
Spike: "'We never talk.'"
Xander: "Shut up."
Spike: "'Xan-der...'"
Xander: "SHUT UP!"

Doomed

A New Man

Xander: "That's my radio."
Spike: "And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil."

Xander: "That's my lamp."
Anya: "A gift is traditional. I read about it."
Xander: "That's among friends. With bitter enemies, we don't give them my lamp."

Xander: "Out, before I get the Slayer over here to kick your ass out."
Spike: "I don't know why she didn't come. Say good-bye, shed a few tears."
Xander: "Well, she has an appointment with someone who's actually still scary."

Buffy: "I keep thinking, "let's ask Giles," then I remember."
Xander: "He's be great right now. He'd find himself in a second. Nobody is cooler in a crisis."

Willow: "It stole Giles' car."
Xander: "Why would a demon steal a car?"
Anya: "Why would a demon steal THAT car?"

The I In Team

Anya: "What a stupid game. All these rules just to win little plastic discs."
Xander: "Chips. They're called chips. They represent money, since none of us has any money to represent money."

"The thing is, I think Riley's okay in an oafish kind of way, but am I the only one with a big, floating question-mark over his head about this Initiative thing?"

Anya: "Xander, you haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those processed food bricks. I don't know why."
Xander: "Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money, take Anya nice places, buy pretty things."
Anya: "That does make sense. All right, I support you. Go sell more."

Buffy: "Hi, all. Sorry about the late-itude."
Xander: "Late? Really? Huh - hadn't noticed."

Giles: "I don't know how many more ways I can say, I'm not interested."
Xander: "Try one. Check these flavors: Cherry Berry, Maple Walnut, ooh, Almond Licorice."
Anya: "Eww."
Xander: "Anya, we don't say "Eww" in front of potential customers."
Anya: "Just skip this part and tell him you want money to buy me pretty things. He'll understand."
Giles: "Very well. Maple Walnut."
Xander: "An excellent choice."
Giles: (takes bite, grimaces) "Please leave my home now."

"Spike? You may wanna give up these morning jogs."

"It's like a homing beacon. And if commando guys are reading the signal, they're coming home."

Xander: "Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people."
Spike: "You think that would work?"

Goodbye Iowa

Buffy: "And the next thing I know, it's raining monsters."
Xander: "Hallelujah."

Willow: "Plus... Riley? He seems like he wouldn't tell a little white lie, let alone a whole bunch of big dirty ones."
Xander: "That's why they call it the Secret Forces, Will, 'cause they kind of keep the whole lying thing to themselves."

Xander: "I'm guessing the mad scientist isn't too keen on the fact that the entire Scooby gang knows that the Initiative is up to no good."
Buffy: "Which brings us back to the "not safe for any of us" concept."

Buffy: "Okay, everybody grab a weapon. We gotta move."
Xander: "Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!"
Buffy: "I was thinking more that we'd hide."
Xander: "Oh, thank god."

Buffy: "Xander, what about your basement? The guys haven't seen us together that much, and there's enough room."
Willow: "Ooh, plus, mirror ball."
Xander: "Cool. Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway."

Buffy: "I don't know, but I'm ready to find out."
Xander: "That's going to be tough, what with Maggie's deadness and all."

Buffy: "Sorry, I'm the only one who can pass the retinal scan."
Xander: "The... ew! I don't wanna see that."
Buffy: "RETINAL scan, Xander."

Buffy: "Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good."
Xander: "Or if we're about to die at the hands of fifty grief-fueled military goons."

"Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-sized microwave?"

Xander: "Holy moley!"
Buffy: "I know."
Xander: "I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?"

Buffy: "This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do NOT make out with each other."
Xander: "Well, maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?"

Riley: "She wasn't your mother, and she didn't love you."
Xander: "Is that really the issue?"

This Year's Girl

Xander: "So, here it is. The latest in state-of the art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated."
Buffy: "So you can repair it?"
Xander: "Sure. Just as soon as I get my master's degree in advanced starship technology."
Willow: "Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens."
Giles: "Well, I'd like to veto that."
Xander: "Second. It's called a blaster, Will. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgasmator, I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach."

"If I blow a hole in my Mom's azalea patch, the neighbors will not be pleased."

Willow: "Spread out?"
Buffy: "Not too far."
Xander: "So not a problem."

Buffy: "I've never seen anything like that."
Xander: "And I can go a long, healthy stretch without seeing anything like that again."

Buffy: "He's studying biology - human, demon, whatever he can get his hands on and tear apart." Willow: "Learning what makes things work."
Xander: "I really don't want to be around for the final exam."

Xander: "Question: will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?"
Buffy: "No."
Xander: "Told you."

"That's great, Riley, and, you know, there's no polite way to ask you this, but, uh... did they put a chip in your brain?"

Buffy: "What's he charging up for?"
Xander: "Based on the clues, I'll go with a killing spree."
Riley: "And that's a best-case scenario."

"I'd say this qualifies for a worst-timing-ever award."

"I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic."

Willow: "Oh, I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her."
Xander: "Good plan."

Willow: "What about the Council?"
Xander: "Been there, tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall."
Giles: "Well, the Initiative, they do have containment facilities."
Xander: "One word: evil!"

Buffy: "We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling..."
Xander: "Who she's doing."

Spike: "What do you need?"
Xander: "Her. Dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane."
Giles: "Have you seen her?"
Spike: "Is this bird after you?"
Xander: "In a bad way, yeah."
Spike: "Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch... as she kills you. Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all?"

"We're dumb."

Who Are You

Buffy (Faith): "Didn't Joyce tell you? I already kicked that ass."
Xander: "I feel a high-five coming on."

Willow: "What's wetworks?"
Xander: "Scuba-type stuff."
Anya: "I thought it was murder."
Xander: "Well, yeah, but there could be underwater murder, with snorkels."

Xander: "We kind of have a romantic evening planned."
Anya: "We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them."
Buffy (Faith): "Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes."
Anya: "Hey!"
Xander: "I believe that's my 'hey.' Hey!"

Superstar

Buffy: "Where's the other one?"
Xander: "Scampered like a big bumpy bunny."

"The quick draw is about more than speed. It's also about pointing the stake the right way. And there can be splinter issues."

Xander: "We knocked 'em dead. Which they already were."
Willow: "We knocked 'em deader."

Anya: "I did not."
Xander: "Last night, with me, you said 'Jonathan.'"
Anya: "It was a moan."
Xander: "Fine, you moaned 'Jonathan.'"
Anya: "Nuh-uh. It was like, 'A-a-a-ahhh.'"
Xander: "Maybe it was 'A-a-a-ahhnathon.' Still not fluffing up the old ego."

Anya: "Xander?"
Xander: "Yeah?"
Anya: "Let's go have sex now."
Xander: "Yeah. Okay."

Buffy: "And how did he graduate from med school? He's only 18 years old."
Xander: "Effective time management?"

Buffy: "Well, I was just kind of wondering if maybe anyone else thought that Jonathan was kind of too perfect?"
Xander: "No, he's not. He's just perfect enough. He crushed the bones of the Master, he blew up a big snake made out of Mayor, and he coached the US Women's soccer team to a stunning World Cup victory."

"He blinked. The man moistens his eyeballs, and we're having a meeting about it."

Xander: "Right, you can't just go "librum incendere" and expect..." (book bursts into flames)
Giles: "Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books."

Xander: "So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?"
Giles: "Yes."
Xander: "That is so cool!"

"No, no, no! World without sunshine. World without joy."

Anya: "Alternate realities are neat."
Xander: "You know what I'll always remember?"
Riley: "The swimsuit calendar's sticking in my mind. Not in a good way."

Where the Wild Things Are

Xander: "Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the party to even notice you."
Anya: "So, you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? Is that it?"
Xander: "I'm just not gonna win here, am I?"

Xander: "We've gone other nights without sex."
Anya: "I know. Twice!"

"Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the sex. Well, there should be."

Anya: "I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young. Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is there something wrong with your body?"
Xander: "There's nothing wrong with my body."
Anya: "Well, there must be. I saw that wrinkled man on TV talking about erectile dysfunction..."
Xander: "Whoa! Hey! All systems go, here. No function problem, okay? You want sex? Let's have sex. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big sex!" (pause, both turn to look at children)

"It's kind of embarrassing, which, welcome to the life with Anya."

Xander: "Is it me? Am I the crazy one?"
Buffy: "Uh-huh. Absolutely."

Xander: "'Lowell House. 1962.'"
Julie: "Yes."
Xander: "Uh, just, you know, impressing you with my knowledge of local history. Or my knowledge of reading."
Julie: "And you didn't even have to sound anything out!"
Xander: "You should see me add short columns of small numbers."
Julie: "You're funny."
Xander: "Thanks. That is, funny 'how amusing', or funny 'back away and avoid eye contact'?"
Julie: "Kinda both."

Spike: "What are you doing? You brought me here?"
Xander: "Anya? What are you doing? You brought him here?"
Spike: "That's what I said. Only I hit the "here" part."

"We had a little fight. that just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead."

Xander: "Anya, what are you doing with him?"
Anya: "We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have sex."

Anya: "It's the normal part of ending a relationship, right before the vengeance begins."
Xander: "Right. No! Vengeance?"

"I've put up with a hell of a lot from you, much of that in the last minute..."

Anya: "Well then, I'm staying too. To show you how much I'm not bothered by you having fun. Because I'll be having more fun!"
Xander: "I'm having fun already!"
Anya: "Me too! Whoo-hoo!"

(On watching the College kids play Spin The Bottle): "Huh. Sometimes I just don't get the sophisticated college lifestyle."

"Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties? 'Cause it's not the snacks."

Willow: "We have to go back in there."
Anya: "Why?"
Xander: "Because Buffy and Riley are trapped."
Anya: "So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier-boy. What do they need you for?"
Xander: "Anya, look around. There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair."

"I'm going back in there, and I'm not coming out until I bring my friend with me. (gets thrown out of house) Or... it could be Watcher-time."

Xander: "Could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out."
Tara: "Does he do this a lot?"
Xander: "Sure. Every day the Earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange."

Willow: "Come on. He is kinda sexy."
Xander: "I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please."

Giles: "When you called to Buffy and Riley, they didn't cry out or respond in any way?"
Anya: "No. They're probably dead."
Xander: "Unless they were too busy doin' it to answer."
Giles: "Doing what?"
Xander: "You know, for a god of acoustic rock, you're... kind of naive."

"Yeah? You smell sin? Well, let me tell you something, lady. She who smelt it, dealt it! It's like what you said, but faster."

"So this totally adds to my 'old people are crazy' theorem."

"So, with Buffy and Riley havin'... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock, lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm."

Xander: "What do you feel?"
Anya: "Upset, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry."
Xander: "I meant about the house."
Anya: "Oh. Still haunted."

Xander: "I'd say it was more like crooning. If we grow old together, remind me to skip the mid-life crisis."
Anya: "Okay."
Willow: "Come on, you have to admit, it was kind of sexy."
Xander: "Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives."

"My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau."

New Moon Rising

"Buffy doesn't make her quota - bad Slayer!"

Xander: "Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write." (Shakes his hand)
Oz: "Yeah. Sorry."

Willow: "Tara said they took him right before she found me."
Anya: "So, that's good, right? I mean, they probably haven't had time to eviscerate him yet."
Xander: "An, you can help by making this a quiet time."

"It'd be great if we knew someone dating a man on the inside, someone with connections. Oh, wait!"

Buffy: "Stay back... or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader here."
Xander: "You'll bore him to death with free prose?"
Buffy: "Was I the only one awake in English that day? I'll kill him."

The Yoko Factor

Xander: "Try those on - you'll feel like a new man."
Riley: "Would this man have a bright red nose and big floppy feet?"

Riley: "I take it you're not an Angel fan, either."
Xander: "It's not like I hate the guy... just, you know, the guts part of him."

Xander: "Angel's an okay guy if he's mopey and sad and brooding, but you give him even one second of pure, real pleasure..."
Riley: "And that sets him off."
Xander: "Only in the big old "kill your friends kind of way. And you know what makes Angel happiest? I'll give you a hint: it's not creme brulee."

Xander: "Hey, man, that's all ancient history."
Riley: "She went running to LA to bone up on her history."
Xander: "No, I'm sure it's boneless."

Spike: "I'm taking a risk here, you know?"
Xander: "Can I tell you how much I really don't care?"

Anya: "You're joining the Army?!?"
Xander: "Okay, one: ow. Two: where'd you get that idea? Three: ow!"

Xander: "It happens that I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills, and... stratagems.. I'm very... help me out."
Anya: "He's a viking in the sack."

Xander: "Xander got fired from Starbucks. Xander got fired from that phone-sex line."
Anya: "They look down on you."
Xander: "And they hate you."
Anya: "But they don't look down on me."

Xander: "I'll stay behind and putter around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here."
Giles: "Ah, no, I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget, Alfred had a job."

Xander: "Tara's your girlfriend?"
Giles: "Bloody hell!"

"Just because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior."

Primeval

Xander: "Maybe I should join the Army."
Anya: "Don't they make you get up really early in the morning?"
Xander: "Oh, yeah. Never mind."

Anya: "So they all think you're a lost, directionless loser with no plans for the future. Pfft!"
Xander: "Anya, you can't "Pfft!" that stuff away."
Anya: "Why not?"
Xander: "I don't know."

Buffy: "Where's Anya?"
Xander: "Oddly, Anya decided not to join us despite the fun we had at our last meeting."

"He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his yayas somehow."

"Spike's working for Adam?!? After all we've done-- Nah, I can't even act surprised."

Xander: "Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre."
Willow: "And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet.. gross."
Xander: "Does anybody else miss the Mayor 'I just wanna be a big snake'?"

Xander: "He's not worried you might kill, oh, say, him?"
Buffy: "No. He's really not."

"Great, so we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery."

Xander: "See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?"
Buffy: "What was I thinking?"

Xander: "So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer-strength, Giles' multilingual know-how, and Willow's witchy-power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions."
Giles: "As a matter of fact, you are."

Willow: "Nervous?"
Xander: "No way. I'm full of that good old kamikazee spirit."
Giles: "Xander, just because this is never going to work, there's no need to be negative."

Buffy: "Xander!"
Willow: "Oh, wonderful Xander!"
Buffy: "You know we love you, right?"
Willow: "We totally do."
Xander: "Oh, god, we're gonna die, aren't we?"
Willow: "No, we just missed you."
Xander: "Giles, hurry up! You definitely want to get down here for this!"

Colonel: Incapacitate him with as much voltage as we can muster."
Xander: "Great plan. That's right up there with 'duck and cover.'"
Buffy: "I've seen Adam hit with taser blasts. He feeds on it. And now, you're going to provide him with an all-you-can-eat buffet?"

Xander: "Demon open house."
Buffy: "Great. So we know we're going to 314. Now all we have to do is get there."

Buffy: "Is this place okay to be magic central?"
Giles: "It should do."
Willow: "As long as we don't get all blowed up or nothin'."
Xander: "What are the odds of that?"

Xander: "Buffy, I still don't like you going alone."
Buffy: "I won't be."

Spike: "Nasty sort of fellow. Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?"
Giles: "Yes. Thank you. Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all."
Xander: "You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here."
Spike: "Well, yeah. Did it work?"

Restless