Season Four

The Freshman

Willow: "Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's world-renowned."
Buffy: "How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be nowned first?"
Willow: "Yes, First there's the painful nowning process."

Willow: "'Images of Pop Culture.' This is good. They watch movies, TV shows, even commercials."
Buffy: "For credit?"
Willow: "Isn't college cool?"

Willow: "You did sort of wait until the last minute with your course selection."
Buffy: "Sorry, Miss 'I chose my major in play-group.'"

Willow: "Isn't this cool? There's so much going on."
Buffy: "Yeah. Almost, one might say, too much."

"I've heard about five different issues, and I'm angry about each and every one of them."

"I didn't get jello shots. I'll trade you for a 'take back the night.'"

"It's just, in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence... It's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and- and spurt knowledge into... That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in."

Willow: "Ooh, boyfriend! It's my on-campus boyfriend."
Buffy: "Oh, no, I forgot to pick mine up. Line's probably really long now, too."

Buffy: "Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?"
Willow: "Uh-huh. He's a slacker now."

Willow: "He said he wasn't coming back until he'd driven to all 50 states."
Buffy: "Did you explain about Hawaii?"

Willow: "This is a real library."
Man: Shhh!"
Willow: "See, we even have to whisper. It's like a whole new world."

Willow: "You made a friend? Good for you."
Buffy: "Thanks, mom."

"Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then."

Willow: "How can you be so calm?"
Oz: "Long, arduous hours of practice."

Living Conditions

Buffy: "Did you just hear something?"
Willow: "I'm chewing my gum kind of loud."
Buffy: "That's not it."
Willow: "My sneakers are squeaky."
Buffy: "I'm looking for something lurk-y here, Will."
Willow: "Oh."

"Did we not put the "Grr" in girl?"

Willow: "Happy hunting."
Buffy: "Wish me monsters."

"What was that all about with the cutie patootie?"

"He's our grown-up friend. N-not in a creepy way."

Buffy: "Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class."
Oz: "Which could also be construed as the brain thing."
Buffy: "Not when you're minoring in Napping 101."
Willow: "Okay, so that was the evil twin, right? 'Cause she was bordering on Cordelia-esque."

Willow: "What kind of demon runs around putting ooky blood dreams into people's heads? Like some kind of nightmare fairy. It's not right."
Oz: "Well, I'm against it."

Willow: "If it wasn't for this English paper, I'd be there right now, listening, doing the girly best-friend thing."
Oz: "Well, I can do that."
Willow: "You can?"
Oz: "Oh, I'm not saying we'll braid each other's hair... probably. But I can hang with her, watch for signs she's going over the edge."

Willow: "Toenails?"
Buffy: "Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep."
Willow: "Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body."

"I just talked to Buffy, and yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, 'kay?"

"So, Buffy was right all along. Later on, big remorse."

"You gonna finish that?"

The Harsh Light of Day

Willow: "Hey, look, Parker's here."
Buffy: "Yeah."
Willow: "You're not looking? He looks really cute in green."
Buffy: "Teal. He's reflected in the mirror."
Willow: "You know, when you spend all week with a guy, you're allowed to look at him directly."

Willow: "Buffy's looking at Parker, who, it turns out, has a reflection, so big plus there. Buffy's having lusty wrong feelings."
Buffy: "No, I'm not."
Willow: "No, you're not."
Buffy: "Oh, I so am."

Devon: "That was, like, the best set ever. We'll do great in LA. We're gonna have them glued to their seats."
Willow: "Uh, Devon? Aren't they supposed to dance?"

Harmony: "You were always funny, Willow. You haven't changed a bit."
Willow: "No, you neither."
Harmony: "Oh, maybe a little. (growl)"

Oz: "Remember Harmony?"
Willow: "She's back from her summer vacation. And she's a little different."
Buffy: "Different?"
Willow: "Paler."

"Band-aid, now. Thank you."

Willow: "Did it happen with Parker?"
Buffy: "Yeah, it happened."
Willow: "Well, and? Details! I mean, not details, I don't need a diagram. But, you know, like maybe a blurry watercolor."

Willow: "He's a poophead."
Buffy: "You're right. He's manipulative and shallow... and why doesn't he want me? Am I so repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd tell me, right?"
Willow: "I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second."

Buffy: "Do you think that we could still work it out?"
Willow: "I think you're missing something about the whole poophead principle."

Fear Itself

Xander: "I don't know - I was going for ferocious/scary, but it's coming out more dryly sardonic."
Willow: "It does appear to be mocking you with its eyeholes."
Oz: "Yeah, and its nosehole seems sad and full of self-loathing."

Xander: "Sad Buffy."
Willow: "She didn't even touch her pumpkin. It's a freak with no face."

"I just feel like I've plateaued, wicca-wise."

Buffy: "You know, if it's too much, don't do it."
Willow: "Don't do it? What kind of encouragement is that?"
Buffy: "This is an encouragement talk? I thought it was 'share my pain'."

Willow: "I'll know when I've reached my limit."
Oz: "Wine coolers?"
Buffy: "Magic."
Oz: "Ooh. Didn't encourage her, did you?"
Willow: "Where's supportive boyfriend guy?"
Oz: "Oh, he's picking up your dry-cleaning. But he told me to tell you he's afraid you're gonna get hurt."
Willow: "Okay, Brutus. (pause) Brutus. Uh, Caesar? Betrayal, trusted friend, back-stabby?"
Oz: "Oh, I'm with you on the reference, but..."

"We have to make sure she has fun. We have to force fun upon her. Yeah, and if Parker shows up, we'll just ax-murder him. That's halloweenie."

Buffy: "Will! Medieval Will."
Xander: "Hail, ye olde varlotty... thou."
Willow: "I'm Joan of Arc. I figured, we had a lot in common. Seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, and plus, she had that close relationship with God."
Xander: (to Oz) "And you are?"
(Oz pulls back shirt to reveal name badge reading 'God'.)

Buffy: "Perfect. Everybody's got a date but third-wheel Buffy."
Willow: "You're not a third wheel."

Willow: "Eew! Cobweb. Okay, that part was realistic."
Oz: "Frat boys aren't too obsessive with their cleaning. Might not be decoration, per se."
Xander: "Ahhh! I wasn't scared. I was in the spirit."
Willow: "And we'll back you up on that. Even if they question us separately."

Buffy: "Conjuring? Will, let's be realistic here, okay? Your basic spells are usually only about 50/50."
Willow: "Oh, yeah? Well... so's your face."
Buffy: "What??"
"Look, we found the stairs. Buffy didn't find the stairs, no sir."

Willow: "The icon's called the Mark of Gachnar. I think this is a summoning spell for something called..."
Xander: "Gachnar?"

Gachnar (in a tiny, high-pitched voice): "I am the dark lord of nightmares. The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!"
Willow: "He... he's so cute!"

Beer Bad

Willow: "Aren't you too young to be a bartender?"
Xander: "Au contraire, mon frere."
Buffy: "'Mon frere' means brother."
Xander: "Mon girl-frere. Behold." (shows patently fake ID)
Willow: "I don't believe this is entirely on the up-and-up."
Xander: "What gives it away?"
Willow: "Looking at it."

Willow: "I'm pregnant by my step-brother, who'd rather be with my best friend, and he's left me with no place to live, no food except for this bottle of Wild Turkey which I drank all up. 9pause) That was me being tanked and friendless for ya."
Xander: "Gets my Oscar nod."

Willow: "Buffy that is my best friend, you need to think about not-Parker. He's no good. There are men - better men - wherein the mind is stronger than the penis."
Xander: "Pfft! Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud. Very unseemly."

"I'm sorry to be so coarse, but I feel strongly about stinky Parker-man."

Buffy: "I'm telling you, I think that he has intimacy problems because of the death of his father."
Willow: "Not interested. You got troubles, tell 'em to the bartender."

Oz: "Hey, you got a table."
Willow: "I had to kill a man."
Oz: "Well, it's a really good table."

Willow: "'My name is Veruca. I'm in a band.' 'Oh, I'm Oz. I'm in a band, too. Oh, and this is Will.' 'Oh, how fun, a groupie.' Groupie! Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick - dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross?"
Buffy: "TV is a good thing. Bright colors. Music. Tiny little people."
Willow: "What have you done with Buffy?"
Buffy: "I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of... badness."
Willow: "You didn't. Not with Parker again."
Buffy: "No. With four really smart guys."
Willow: "Four?? Oh. Ow."

Buffy: "I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came... beer."
Willow: "And then group sex?"
Buffy: "Pffft! Gutterface. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's nice. Foamy... comforting. It's... beer."

"He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class."

"Two Veruca shows in two nights? You sure you want to share your groupie? I think I'm just gonna study. 'Cause of the fun."

"I'm tired of you men and your... man-ness."

"In fact, she's in need of a big mental tidy."

Willow: "She shared something very intimate with you, and you act like it's nothing more than a bag of... some kind of snack food."
Parker: "Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my actions here. But if that's what you want..."
Willow: "Yes. Followed by an admission of undeniable guilt, but go on."

Willow: "You know, I'm wondering something about you."
Parker: "What?"
Willow: "Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes, and your shy smile, and your ability to talk openly only to me. You're unbelievable."

"That's right, I've got your number, Id-boy."

"I mean, you men! It's all about the sex. Find a woman, drag her to your den. do whatever's necessary, just as long as you get the sex. I tell you, men haven't changed since the dawn of time."

Xander: "Did you guys have enough fun for one night?"
Willow: "Yes, please."
Buffy: "Buffy tired."

Wild At Heart

Willow: "The Bronze is more fun this year, isn't it?"
Buffy: "'Cause of the gloating factor alone, you know? We're all about college, now. We've got heady discourse."
Oz: "Yeah, curfew-free nights of mom and pop-less hootenanny."
Xander: "Co-ed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous. What? I can dream."
Buffy: "Right. So if college is so great, what are we doing here and why is it more fun?"
Willow: "Because the Bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blankie."
Oz: "Will, I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blankie."
Willow: "Aw, you're my person blankie. This is my place blankie."

Willow: "I think that it's brave that you're here."
Giles: "Well, thank you, all. You've made me feel right at home."
Xander: "Isn't home that empty place you're trying to escape?"

Willow: "They're good, aren't they?"
Oz: "Nothing special."
Buffy: "Yeah, she's quell Fiona. Color me bored."

Willow: "It's in the sandblaster."
Oz: "What's in the sandblaster, Will? It's a dream, come back to me."
Willow: "All geminis to the raspberry hats."
Oz: "Now you're faking."
Willow: "Am not. Just a little."

Oz: "Bad dream?"
Willow: "I guess. But the waking up part makes up for it."
Oz: "It's always so busy in there."
Willow: "Not always. A few things shut my brain up completely."
Oz: "Anything I can help you with?"

Oz: "I don't know about tonight, unless the extreme Jerry Garcia look turns you on."
Willow: "Huh?"

Willow: "There's this Wicca group on campus I wanted to check out. They have orientation on the three nights you're wolfy. And it's probably totally silly, but..."
Oz: "No, go. Show 'em how it's done."

"You okay? How'd you do? This is good. I mean, this is excellent! You did better than me. This is so unfair! You made me jealous of you adademically. Buffy!"

Buffy: "And she wants me to lead a discussion group next class. That means more work, right? Shouldn't she have a better reward system? You know, like a cookie, or a toy surprise like at the dentist?"
Willow: "She wants you to lead a discussion group? Okay, jealous again. Jealous, jealous... okay, I'm back."

Buffy: "Check out the rapid exits. Was it me?"
Willow: "Me. I don't speak musician-ese."

Willow: "How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?"
Buffy: "I thought that was the point."

"He thinks she's sexy. He gets this blushy thing going on behind his ears. That's for me only."

Willow: "I mean, I have wrong feelings about other guys sometimes, but I feel guilty, and I flog and punish."
Buffy: "Exactly. I'm sure Oz is flogging and punishing himself... This is sounding wrong before I even finish."

Oz: "New look."
Willow: "You, too."
Oz: "Oh. Laundry day kinda came and went."

Willow: "Guess it was just me worrying for nothing again. Me and my busy mind, always thinking, thinking, thinking."
Oz: "Well, now you can stop. Everything's fine."
Willow: "Maybe you could help me... stop. I'd really, really appreciate anything you could do."

Xander: "So, I know why I'm sitting in a dank, sunless little room. But why are you?"
Willow: "Well, things with Oz are weird, and I talked to Buffy about it, but I think we're in Guyville here. I need a translator from the "Y" side of things."
Xander: "Well, last time I checked, I had the creds. Hit me."

Willow: "What does it mean when a girl wants to... you know."
Xander: "If you're doing it, I think you should be able to say it."
Willow: "Make love."
Xander: "Wild monkey love, or tender Sarah McLachlan love?"
Willow: "Any kind. But what if the girl wants to and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?"
Xander: "Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the 7 annual minutes he's legitimately too preoccupied to do it."
Willow: "Well, say the girl's been noticing..."
Xander: "Will, I've deciphered your ingenious code."

Oz: "She's like me. A wolf."
Willow: "Well, I knew you two had a lot in common, but..."

Veruca: "Can't say I'm surprised you didn't go through with your little hex. You don't have the teeth."
Willow: "You don't know what I have. You don't know anything about me."
Veruca: "I know what you love. I have his scent on me right now."

Oz: "Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you... or anybody."
Willow: "Well, that could be a problem, 'cause people... kind of a planetary epidemic."

Willow: "Oz, don't you love me?"
Oz: "My whole life, I've never loved anything else."

The Initiative

Buffy: "Stupid pen. My notes!"
Willow: "Ballpoints can be tricky."

"He's not gone. He left temporarily to work out a few things. I know, that sounds lame in its vagueness, but I assure you, Oz will be back."

Willow: "Okay, say that I help. And you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops, and it feels like the whole world is made for you two, and you two alone. Until the day one of you leaves, and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow, mockery of the human condition."
Riley: "Yep, that's the plan."
Willow: "I figured it was."

Willow: "Why should I trust you?"
Riley: "Just sort of hoping you'd think I have an honest face."
Willow: "I've seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars."

Willow: "She likes cheese."
Riley: "What?"
Willow: "Well, I'm not saying it's the key to her heart, but Buffy, she likes cheese."
Riley: "That's a start."

Riley: "Still, I feel like I have a fighting chance. With my new accomplice."
Willow: "I'm not your accomplice!"
Riley: "No, no, of course not."
Willow: "I'm not!"
Riley: "You're not."
Willow: "We're clear?"
Riley: "We're clear."

Willow: "Okay, she's wearing the halter-top with the sensible shoes: that means mostly dancing, light contact, but don't push your luck. Heavy conversation's out of the question."
Riley: "So what do I do?"
Willow: "Ask her to dance."
Riley: "Right, dance. Wait, no."
Willow: "What's the matter?"
Riley: "I can't dance."
Willow: "Then, talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!"

Riley: "I can't believe it. I choked."
Willow: "You really, really did."
Riley: "You don't understand. I'm good at things. That's what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done."
Willow: "Well, you failed extremely well."
Riley: "That's a great comfort to me."

"You're just making contact. Getting a reaction. Any reaction is okay. Except projectile vomiting, but what are the chances of that...?"

Spike: "I'll give you a choice. Now, I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But... I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me."
Willow: "I'll scream."
Spike: "Bonus."

Spike: "I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before."
Willow: "Maybe you were nervous."
Spike: "I felt all right when we started. Let's try again. (grr!) Damn it!"
Willow: "Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?"
Spike: "Not to me, it doesn't!"
Willow: "It's me, isn't it?"
Spike: "What are you talking about?"
Willow: "Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around."
Spike: "Piffle!"
Willow: "I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, 'Oh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'Oh, you're such a good friend.'"
Spike: "Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a hearbeat."
Willow: "Really?"
Spike: "Thought about it."
Willow: "When?"
Spike: "Remember last year? You had on that... fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?"
Willow: "I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool."
Spike: "I hate being obvious. All fangy and 'grr!' Takes the mystery out."
Willow: "But if you could..."
Spike: "If I could, yeah."
Willow: "You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying."
Spike: "Don't patronize me!"

Spike: "I'm only 126!"
Willow: "You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again?"

Pangs

"Oh, I miss the free hot dogs on sticks."

Prof. Gerhardt: "That's what the melting pot is about - contributions from all cultures, making our culture stronger."
Willow: "What a load of horse hooey."
Buffy: "We have a counterpoint?"
Willow: "Yeah. Thanksgiving isn't about blending of two cultures. It's about one culture wiping out another. And then they make animated specials, about the part where - with the maize and the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene where all the bison die, and Squanto takes a musket ball in the stomach."
Buffy: "Okay, now, for some of that you _were_ channelling your mother?"

Anya: "Look at him."
Willow: "Very... diggy."

Willow: "Doesn't it make you wonder what else is there, right under our feet?"
Buffy: "Mostly, I've just found sewers full of demons."

Buffy: "It's not fair. They all get a family holiday just because they can go home to their families."
Willow: "It's a turvy-topsy world."

Willow: "Buffy, earlier you agreed with me about Thanksgiving. It's a sham. It's all about death."
Buffy: "It is a sham. But it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham."

Willow: "Ooh, we could not invite Anya!"
Buffy: "I don't know. She and Xander seem pretty tight lately."
Willow: "Grumble, grumble."

Willow: "The coroner's office said she was missing an ear. So I'm thinking maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix."
Buffy: "That's one fun little hobby you've got there, Will."

Willow: "Oh, thought... we're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like Van Gogh?"
Buffy: "So, she brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?"
Willow: "No, she cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body... I'm really off my game, aren't I?"

Willow: "But you have whipped cream. I saw it in Giles' fridge."
Buffy: "But that's whipped cream in a canister. Look, it's only right if you whip it yourself."
Willow: "Hey, and then later we can churn our own butter, and make sweaters out of sheep."

"Evil! You're all evil again."

Willow: "See, I don't get that. All this "leaving for her own good" garbage. Because that's what it is! You can't just give up because there's obstacles. You know, what kind of--"
Angel: "Willow."
Willow: "Sorry. My stuff."

Willow: "Are you sure we shouldn't be helping him?"
Giles: "No, I think perhaps we won't help the angry spirit with his rape and pillage and murder."

"I don't think you want to help. I think you just want to slay the demon, then go, 'la, la, la!'"

Willow: "You mean Angel? I saw him, too."
Giles: "That's not terribly stealthy of him."
Willow: "I think he's lost his edge."

Giles: "But this is why I think we should all keep a level head in this."
Willow: "And I happen to think mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of."

Willow: "It lists the various--"
Xander: "Various? As in...?"
Willow: "Oh, well, the important thing is not to panic."
Xander: "Well, you just recited the mystical panic causing incantation, so little hope there. Let's talk about the various."
Willow: "Well, they did suffer from malaria, some smallpox..."
Anya: "I was gonna say smallpox."
Willow: "You know, syphilis. But basically, standard sort of stuff."

Spike: "Willow, tell 'em what I did."
Willow: "You said you were gonna kill me, then Buffy."

Something Blue

Buffy: "It's just... different, you know? A picnic! First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part - he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at."
Willow: "So he's nice?"
Buffy: "Very, very."
Willow: "And there's sparkage?"
Buffy: "Yeah. He's... have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have."

Buffy: "I just... feel like something's missing."
Willow: "He's not making you miserable?"
Buffy: "Exactly. Riley seems so solid. Like... he wouldn't cause me heartache."
Willow: "Get out. Get out while there's still time."

Buffy: "Hello to the pain."
Willow: "The pain is not a friend."

Giles: "A truth spell. Of course, why didn't I think of that?"
Willow: "'Cause you had your hands full with the un-dead English patient?"

"I'll be back in the morning with doughnuts and motherwort."

"I guess this means he's planning on settling down somewhere. Else. Not here."

"I interrupted. You've got apples. My miss."

"I know I've been sort of a party poop lately. So I said to myself, 'Self,' I said, 'It's time to shake and shimmy it off.'"

Willow: "Yeah, I just figure, in the grand scheme of things, we're all just..."
Buffy: "Drunk?"
Willow: "Drunk - that's such a strong word. Kind of a guttural Anglo-Saxon word. 'Drunk.'"

Xander: "Will, not liking the drowning of the sorrows."
Willow: "Not drowning, wading. Uh, see? Light. No big."
Buffy: "No big? Anybody remember when Buffy had the fun beer fest and went one million years B.C.?"

Buffy: "Okay, you know what? I'm taking you home."
Willow: "No. I don't want to."
Buffy: "Well, you'll thank me when you still have a friend in the morning."

Willow: "Did Buffy tell you about the beer? 'Cause..."
Giles: "Buffy didn't tell me anything."
Willow: "Oh, well, forget about the beer part, then."
Giles: "Happily."

Willow: "I am a bad witch."
Buffy: "No, you're a good witch."

Willow: "The only real witch here is fuzzy little Amy."
Buffy: "I think you're being too hard on yourself."
Willow: "She's got access to powers I can't even invoke. I mean, first she a perfectly normal girl...(rat becomes happy Amy)...then poof, she's a rat. (Happy Amy turns back into rat) I could never do that."

"I figured since I'm kinda grievy, we could, you know, have a girls night. You know, eat sundaes and watch 'Steel Magnolias', and you can tell me how at least I don't have diabetes."

Willow: "He's probably just standing out there. You'll find him in two seconds."
Buffy: "I thought that was gonna take longer."
Spike: "Me too."

"I think we're all doomed to badness."

D'Hoffryn: "You have much anger and pain. Your magic is strong, but your pain... It's like a scream that pierces dimensional walls. We heard your call."
Willow: "I'm sorry. I'll try for a... quiet rage. Bye."

"Really, no offense intended. I mean, you've been super nice and everything, but I don't want to be a demon."

Willow: "Look, cookies! A very not-evil thing I did. Oatmeal?"
Giles: "Yes, very funny. They're chocolate chip. I can see them. I still need my glasses - you couldn't be more specific and give me 20/20?"
Willow: "Eat a cookie and ease my pain?"
Buffy: "Mmm. Better?"
Willow: "Well, baking lifts about 30% of my guilt. But only 7% of my inner turmoil."

Hush

Willow: "Man, that was an exciting class, huh?"
Buffy: "Oh, yeah - wow."
Willow: "And the last twenty minutes - it was a revelation. Just laid out everything we need to know for the final. I'd hate to have missed that."
Buffy: "Just tell me I didn't snore."
Willow: "Very discreet. Minimal drool."
Buffy: "Oh, yay."
Willow: "So, were you dreaming?"
Buffy: "Yeah. And it was kind of intense."
Riley: "Intense. Really? 'Cause you seemed so peaceful."

Buffy: "So, not stellar, huh?"
Willow: "Talk. All talk. Blah, blah, Gaia. Blah, blah, moon. Menstrual life-force power thingy."

Buffy: "No actual witches in your witch group?"
Willow: "No. Bunch of wannablessedbes. You know, nowadays, every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones."

Willow: "Hey, how's with you and Riley? You two seemed pretty snugly after class."
Buffy: "See above re: Talk. All talk."
Willow: "Do I have to tie you two together?"

"Well, get with it. I need my vicarious smoochies."

Doomed

Willow: "So naturally they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: "Aftershock party.""
Buffy: "Ah. This from the dorm that brought us the 'Somebody Sneezed Party' and the 'Day that ends in "Y" party.'"

"I found him - this guy on the bed with me, dead. Not me dead, he dead."

Willow: "I mean, I know the Percy thing isn't really important. It's the dead guy on the bed."
Xander: "Yeah, that's bad, too."

"So I'm thinking, the whatever took a bunch of the guy's blood with him. And I haven't been a nerd for a very long time! Hello! Dating a guitarist. Or I was..."

Giles: "It's the end of the world."
Buffy, Willow & Xander: "Again?!?"

Buffy: "I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, 'Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh.'"
Giles: "I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse."
Willow: "No, it can't be. We-we've done this already."
Giles: "It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really."
Willow: "So what do we do?"
Buffy: "I stop it."

Willow: "Ewww."
Xander: "I second that revulsion."

Xander: "What? He wants to die, I want to help."
Willow: "It's ooky. We know him. We can't just let him poof himself."

Spike: "I mean, am I even remotely scary anymore? Tell me the truth."
Willow: "Well, the shirt is kinda... not very threatening. And the short pants... But, you know, it could also be 'cause I know you can't bite. Which I guess isn't what you really need to hear right now..."

Willow: "Great, no Word of Valios."
Xander: "Not even a syllable of Valios."
Spike: "Which means I'm one step closer to melting in a sea of molten hell-fire, yeah?"
Willow: "You shouldn't talk like that. Yeah, okay, so you can't kill anymore, but there's other fun things you can do. You'll adjust."

Spike: "You. Kids your age are going off to university. You've made it as far as the basement. And Red here - you couldn't even keep dog-boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but..."
Willow: "I see what you're doing. You're trying to get us to dust you."
Spike: "Am not! I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am."
Willow: "We're not useless. We- we help people. We fight the forces of evil."
Spike: "Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're her groupies."

Willow: "If we leave him alone, he'll stake himself."
Buffy: "And that's bad because...?"

"I think we're near the Library. Whoa. Check out the new floor plan."

Willow: "Spike, not in the hole!"
Spike: "What? I was helping."

Riley: "Well, hey! Willow, and Xander, right? Geeze, what are the chances, huh? Yeah, I was just passing by, and I thought I heard people inside."
Willow: "You were just passing by, in your G.I. Joe outfit?"

"Everything seems so small... and more charred and ruiny."

A New Man

Willow: "Guess you won't be killing anything tonight after all."
Buffy: "Don't be so sure."

Willow: "You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's one of the commandos."
Giles: "What?! Well, that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, spent weeks trying to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors, and no one bothers to tell me that Buffy's dating one of them? Who else knows?"
Xander: "No one. No one else knows this. (pause) Anya, and that's it."
Willow: "And Spike."

Willow: "What the heck was that?"
Tara: "I don't know, but, uh, the petals are off."

Buffy: "I like pancakes 'cause they're stackable. Ooh, and waffles, 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to."
Willow: "You should always have a new boyfriend. You're so much fun right now."

"It was like a rose-based missile."

Willow: "How come you never told him about Riley being a commando?"
Buffy: "I did. I didn't?"
Willow: "He says no. He's feeling neglected and out-of-the-loopy."
Buffy: "Well, I mean, I didn't at first because Riley said not to. And then, meow, cat out of the bag, and I guess I just forgot that he didn't know."

Buffy: "I'm spending today with Riley."
Willow: "Oh, yeah. I forgot. That's what you always do on the days when the Earth revolves."

Buffy: "I sort of kicked him across the room last night."
Willow: "Um, that's not good."
Buffy: "We were sparring and he said not to hold back. And he's a little dented. But he said he was okay with it. And I think he's okay with it. Do you think he's okay with it?"

The I In Team

Willow: "I implore you, Neisa, blessed goddess of chance and fortune, heed my call, send to me the heart I desire."
Xander: "You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating."
Willow: "That wasn't magic. I was praying."

Xander: "Want one?"
Willow: "No, thanks. Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad aftertastelessness."

WWillow: "They are anti-demon. But probably pro ex-demon."
Anya: "Maybe. I choose to feel threatened."

Buffy: "How was your night?"
Willow: "Like a normal person's. Light on the action-packed."

Buffy: "Tell me about your night."
Willow: "Well, spent most of it at Xander's, teaching Anya to play poker."
Buffy: "That sounds like fun."
Willow: "Yeah. Except the Anya part, and the poker part."

Buffy: "A twinkie? That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished."
Willow: "Everyone's getting a spank but me."

"I've been trying to find a dolcite crystal my entire life. Well, since June, anyway."

Buffy: "Anya seems a bit edgy."
Willow: "She's a little antsy around commando-types. Ex-demon issues."

Buffy: "You said you wanted to invite someone."
Willow: "No, not - no one. I mean, I meant a hypothetical someone, which is to say no one. What are we celebrating?"

Buffy: "Professor Walsh gave me the grand tour, and we're talking grand as in canyon. You'd never believe the size of it."
Willow: "That's really... again, I say neat."

Willow: "There's a bunch of stuff about them we still don't know."
Buffy: "I know that. Like what?"
Willow: "Well, what's their ultimate agenda? I mean, okay, yeah, they neuter vampires and demons, but then what? Are they gonna reintegrate them into society? Get them jobs as bag-boys at Walmart?"
Buffy: "Does Walmart have bag-boys?"

"Irony's kind of ironic that way."

Willow: "Did it work? The atmosphere ionized?"
Giles: "I'd venture yes."

This Year's Girl

Buffy: "No. No. Maggie made sure that he was nowhere around when she sent me on this very special make-Buffy-dead assignment."
Willow: "Plus... Riley? He seems like he wouldn't tell a little white lie, let alone a whole bunch of big dirty ones."
Xander: "That's why they call it the Secret Forces, Will, 'cause they kind of keep the whole lying thing to themselves."

Buffy: "Xander, what about your basement? The guys haven't seen us together that much, and there's enough room."
Willow: "Ooh, plus, mirror ball."

Buffy: "That would never happen."
Willow: "Well, no, Buff, that's why they call them cartoons, not documentaries."

Willow: "Well, look who's cranky-bear in the morning."
Giles: "Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball."

"Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average."

"With your grace, may we speak of your benevolence. Or not."

Buffy: "There's no way I can get near him until I come up with a better plan than just storming in and getting us all shot."
Willow: "Yeah, you might want to work the kinks out of that one."

Buffy: "It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast. He gave the commando guys the slip with no problem."
Willow: "There's got to be a flaw."
Buffy: "I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight."

This Year's Girl

Willow: "Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens."
Giles: "Well, I'd like to veto that."

"Tell you what - you two crazy kids take down an unstoppable killer cyber-demon hybrid thingy, and we'll call it all even."

Giles: "The puzzle, it seems to me, is why Adam has stayed dormant as long as he has."
Willow: "When he's not making performance art out of other demons, that is."

Willow: "Oh, I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her."
Xander: "Good plan."

"Yeah, too bad. That was the funnest coma ever."

"And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan B."

Willow: "What did you tell him?"
Buffy: "The truth - that she's my wacky identical cousin from England, and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue."
Willow: "It's good you guys have such an honest relationship."

Willow: "How'd you handle the Angel-y parts?"
Buffy: "I did some editing."

Faith: "Payback's a bitch."
Willow: "Look who's talking."

Willow: "Thanks for coming with. Hunting for a psychopathic super-bitch is definitely in the above-and-beyond category."
Tara: "It's okay, really. So, what do we do if we find her?"
Willow: "Run. Flee. Maybe skedaddle."

Willow: "What?"
Tara: "You said recon. You're, like, cool monster-fighter."
Willow: "Well, technically, Faith isn't a monster. And as far as fighting, I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face."
Tara: "Oh."
Willow: "What?"
Tara: "Face punching. I'm not so good with the whole..."
Willow: "Swimming?"
Tara: "Violence."

Willow: "She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, 'Ooh, check me out. I'm wicked cool. I'm five-by-five.'"
Tara: "Five-by-five? Five what by five what?"
Willow: "See, that's the thing. No one knows."

Tara: "So, we recon till nightfall?"
Willow: "Then the ritual hiding begins."

Who Are You

"I wish she would make a move. She's making my stomach all acidy."

"Tara, it's not like I don't want my friends to know you. It's just... well, Buffy's like my best friend, and she's really special. And there's this whole bunch of us, and we sort of have this group thing that revolves around the slaying. And- and I really want you to meet them. But I just kinda like having something that's just, you know, mine. And I usually don't use so many words to say stuff that little, but do you get it at all?"

Tara: "I am, you know."
Willow: "What?"
Tara: "Yours."

Buffy (Faith): "Faith is evil."
Willow: "Yeah, I hope they throw the book at her."
Giles: "I'm not sure there is a book for this."
Willow: "They could throw other things."

"I wish those Council guys would let me have an hour alone in the room with her... if I was larger and had grenades."

"The Bronze is the coolest place in Sunnydale. Of course, there's not a lot of competition. I think the vending machine at Burgin's came in second."

Willow: "We'll get together with Buffy another time. Sometime soon. I think you'll really like her."
Tara: "She's not your friend."
Willow: "I may have overestimated the 'you liking her' factor."

"You didn't sense a hyena energy at all, did you? 'Cause hyena possession is just... unpleasant."

Willow: "You're Buffy. You and Faith switched bodies. Probably through a Draconian katra spell."
Giles: "She understands it better than I do."

Superstar

"I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin."

Xander: "We knocked 'em dead. Which they already were."
Willow: "We knocked 'em deader."

"Twang. Poof! That was the sound. Crossbow and vampire dusting."

"I know she's not over the whole Riley sleeping with Faith thing. You know what I mean - Faith's insides in Buffy's outsides, when her insides were out."

Buffy: No go."
Willow: "Did you just go, no go?"

Willow: "Oh."
Anya: "Yeah, pretty darn lickable."
Willow: "The other kind of 'oh.'"

Willow: "Buffy was right. Buffy was right?"
Anya: "Doesn't sound very likely, does it?"

Where the Wild Things Are

Tara: "So, he's, um, bridging the gap between the races."
Willow: "Huh. Like Martin Luther King."

Willow: "They're probably goin' to..."
Giles: "Yes, thank you, Willow. I did attend University in the Mesozoic Era, I do remember what it's like."

Xander: "Is it me? Am I the crazy one?"
Buffy: "Uh-huh. Absolutely."
Willow: "Hey, Buffy? This might be a good time to mention that someone so not me spilled something purpley on your new peasant top, which I would never borrow without asking. Still love me?"
Buffy: "Uh-huh. (pause) Huh? What about my peasant top?"
Willow: "Nothing."

Willow: "Horses. Like... big, tall, teeth that can take your arm off horses?"
Tara: "Well, sure. I learned to ride when I was a kid. It's fun. And, by the way, most horses don't like arm very much."
Willow: "I had a bad birthday party pony thing when I was four. I look at horses and I see really big ponies."

"Ghost boy, drowning in tub. I tried to save him, but... being a ghost already, well, I was way too late."

Willow: "Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him."
Tara: "Well, he is pretty good."
Anya: "His voice is... pleasant."
Xander: "What?"
Willow: "Come on. He is kinda sexy."
Xander: "I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please."

Tara: "We implore you... be still."
Giles: "Find it in your hearts to leave our friends passage."
Willow: "Transform your pain. Release your past... and... get over it."

(On Giles's Singing): "Come on, you have to admit, it was kind of sexy."
Xander: "Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives."

Willow: "It must have been horrible."
Buffy: "Yeah. Horrible."
Riley: "Uh-huh. It was bad."

New Moon Rising

Tara: "Do you like cats?"
Willow: "I'm more of a dog person, myself. But I'm not, like, death to all cats."

Willow: "You mean it'd be sort of like a familiar?"
Tara: "Actually, I was thinking it would be sort of like a pet. You know, we could name her Trixie, or Miss Kitty Fantastico or something."

Tara: "So, I'm excited about the Scooby meeting. I think. What's it about?"
Willow: "I'm not sure. Probably just your garden-variety disaster."

Buffy: "My kill-count's way down."
Willow: "She means there's been less bad-guy activity."

"I'm overhelping, aren't I?"

Willow: "When did you get back?"
Oz: "Pretty much now."

Oz: "I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy."
Willow: "No. No new guy."

Oz: "This warlock in Romania sent me to the monks there to learn some meditation techniques. Very intense. All about keeping your inner cool."
Willow: "Good. 'Cause you were such a spaz before."

"So that's it? You keep your inner cool and no more wolfie?"

Willow: "Some of it, you know, was me telling myself I hated you, and cursing your name. Not literally."
Oz: "Well, thanks for that."

Willow: "Well, I believe a manly-sized breakfast is in order, don't you?"
Oz: "Or we could just... sleep a little while. Whatever you want."
Willow: "I'll have the less confusing waffles right now."

Buffy: "Okay, I'm all with the whoo-hoo, here, and you're not."
Willow: "No, there's "whoo," and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh" and "why now?" And it's complicated."
Buffy: "Why complicated?"
Willow: "It's complicated... because of Tara."
Buffy: "You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, you... Oh! Oh."

"Why you saying my name like that?"

Willow: "You're freaked?"
Buffy: "No I'm not freaked."

"I'm coming too."

Buffy: "I've mentioned how much I'm going to kill you if this is a scam, right?"
Spike: "Look, would I wear this if I wasn't on the up-and-up?"
Willow: "You do sort of look like an evil olive."

Willow: "You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it."
Oz: "But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out, the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book."
Willow: "It was my fault. I upset you."
Oz: "So, we're safe then, 'cause you'll never do that again." (smiles)

Oz: "But you're happy?"
Willow: "I am. I can't explain it..."
Oz: "It may be safer for both of us if you don't."

Willow: "I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are, I won't be surprised... because you're with me, you know?"
Oz: "I know. But now is not that time, I guess."

Willow: "What are you gonna do?"
Oz: "I think I better take off."
Willow: "When?"
Oz: "Pretty much now."

"I brought a candle. Extra flamy."

Tara: "You have to be with the person you love."
Willow: "I am."
Tara: "You mean...?"
Willow: "I mean. Okay?"
Tara: "Oh, yes."
Willow: "I feel horrible about everything I put you through. And I'm going to make it up to you. Starting right now."
Tara: "Right now?"
(Willow nods and smiles and Tara blows out the candle)

The Yoko Factor

Willow: "I keep thinking, 'okay, that's the cutest thing ever.' And then she does something cuter, and completely resets the whole scale."
Tara: "Did you see her yawn earlier?"
Willow: "Yes! I thought I was gonna die!"

Willow: "Maybe something fun, like drama. I could be dramatic. 'You cannot have more catnip! You have a catnip problem.'"
Tara: "Definitely drama."

"I used to assume we'd be roomies through grad school, well into little old ladyhood. You know, cheating at Bingo together, and... forgetting to take our pills."

Willow: "Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie."
Spike: "You're not exactly the whiz these days, either. God, I'm never gonna get paid."
Willow: "I am a whiz."
Tara: "She is a whiz."
Willow: "If ever a whiz there was."

"Right, and then maybe you'll get lucky and he'll still be there, and he can rip your arms off for you."

"Oh, wow, we're already getting in the way. We're pretty good at this, Xander, huh?"

"Besides, when is ther any "us two"? You two are the two who are the two. I'm the other one."

"No, you'd be wonderful in the Army. Do you think the umbilical cord between you and Anya will stretch that far?"

Primeval

Willow: "It must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point. That is so annoying! It's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've-- I mean, yippee! We have the information."
Tara: "I don't know if 'yippee' is the right response, either. Read that."

"Oh, I decrypted them? Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it."

Xander: "Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre."
Willow: "And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet.. gross."

"What about magic? Some kind of, I don't know, uranium- extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching."

Giles: "Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the incantation for this."
Willow: "Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?"
Giles: "I do speak Sumerian."

Buffy: "How you doing?"
Willow: "Super. What was I thinking, using stairs all this time?"

Willow: "It's not your fault. Spike stirred up trouble."
Buffy: "Yeah, but I think trouble was stir-upable."

"Oh, I love you too! Oh, falling now..."

Buffy: "Xander!"
Willow: "Oh, wonderful Xander!"
Buffy: "You know we love you, right?"
Willow: "We totally do."
Xander: "Oh, god, we're gonna die, aren't we?"
Willow: "No, we just missed you."
Xander: "Giles, hurry up! You definitely want to get down here for this!"

Colonel: You think you and your friends can just keep waltzing into a government installation, brandishing weapons like... like..."
Willow: "It's a gourd."
Giles: "Magic gourd."
Colonel: What kind of freaks are you people?"

Willow: "According to this, there's air ducts and electrical conduits all running into there."
Buffy: "So?"
Willow: "So there's no 'there' there."

Buffy: "Is this place okay to be magic central?"
Giles: "It should do."
Willow: "As long as we don't get all blowed up or nothin'."
Xander: "What are the odds of that?"

Restless