Season Four

The Freshman

Riley: "So, are you girls taking Intro Psych, or do you just want me dead?"
Buffy: "Uh-huh. I mean, the first one."

"I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion."

Riley: "It's nice to meet you both."
Buffy: "I'm nice to meet."

Riley: "I don't meet that many freshmen that know that much about psychology."
Willow: "Well, it's fascinating."
Buffy: "Yeah, you know, 'cause everyone's got a brain. Or... almost everyone."


Buffy: "You know, I was just wondering - Professor Walsh isn't planning on yelling at me and kicking me out of the class, is she?"
Riley: "It's not in her lesson plan."

Fear, Itself

Riley: "I can't remember the last time I saw your hand up."
Buffy: "Does stretching count?"

Riley: "Too much fun, or not enough?"
Buffy: "Both, actually."

Riley: "But, hey, there is some good scary fun to be had on campus tonight."
Buffy: "Yeah, what are you doing?"
Riley: "Well, I am gonna sit here and grade papers."
Buffy: "Scary."
Riley: "Very."
Buffy: "Well, thanks for the pep talk, coach."
Riley: "Don't make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous."

The Initiative

Forrest: "Women. Young, nubile, exciting. Each one a mystery waiting to be unlocked. Think any of 'em are gonna show? 'Cause the party will be lame if we lack for hotties. Professor? You with me?"
Riley: "No. I'm with this large pile of ungraded papers, due at three o'clock."
Forrest: "How are you gonna learn anything if you keep doing schoolwork?"

Forrest: "Check her out. Is she hot, or is she HOT?"
Riley: "She's Buffy."
Forrest: "Buffy? I like that. The girl's so hot, she's Buffy."
Riley: "It's her name, Forrest."

Riley: "I never really thought about what I think about her."
Forrest: "A girl that cute in the face and you form no opinion?"

Riley: "I like girls I can get a grip on."
Forrest: "I bet you do."

Riley: "There's definitely something off about her."
Graham: "Maybe she's Canadian."

Forrest: "Didn't she go with Parker Abrams for about 30 seconds?"
Riley: "Yeah, there's a sign of good taste."

Professor Walsh: "I like her."
Riley: "Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?"

Parker: "You know the difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat? A toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it."
(punch!)(hooray!!)
Riley: "I can't believe that I did that."

Riley: "I hit him."
Forrest: "What the hell for?"
Riley: "He... he was just being so crude."
Forrest: "Please. You've heard me say much grosser things than that."
Riley: "And most of those were about your own mother."

Riley: "Well, I guess I like her."
Forrest: "You're kind of like a moron."
Riley: "So, you... you knew that I had feelings for her?"
Graham: "Everybody knows, man."
Forrest: "Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy."
Riley: "I'm always the last to know."

"Gee, I hope I'm not interrupting anything really depressing."

"See, I don't know that much about Buffy. But I'm interested in what she likes. And so far, well, the only thing that I know she likes is you."

Willow: "Okay, say that I help. And you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops, and it feels like the whole world is made for you two, and you two alone. Until the day one of you leaves, and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow, mockery of the human condition."
Riley: "Yep, that's the plan."
Willow: "I figured it was."

Riley: "Just sort of hoping you'd think I have an honest face."
Willow: "I've seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars."

Riley: "What?"
Willow: "Well, I'm not saying it's the key to her heart, but Buffy, she likes cheese."
Riley: "That's a start."

Riley: "Still, I feel like I have a fighting chance. With my new accomplice."
Willow: "I'm not your accomplice!"
Riley: "No, no, of course not."
Willow: "I'm not!"
Riley: "You're not."
Willow: "We're clear?"
Riley: "We're clear."

Willow: "Okay, she's wearing the halter-top with the sensible shoes: that means mostly dancing, light contact, but don't push your luck. Heavy conversation's out of the question."
Riley: "So what do I do?"
Willow: "Ask her to dance."
Riley: "Right, dance. Wait, no."
Willow: "What's the matter?"
Riley: "I can't dance."
Willow: "Then, talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!"

Riley: "I can't believe it. I choked."
Willow: "You really, really did."
Riley: "You don't understand. I'm good at things. That's what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done."
Willow: "Well, you failed extremely well."
Riley: "That's a great comfort to me."

"It's not like she blew me off. She just left with another guy, that's all."

Riley: "The problem is, what kind of girl is going to go out with a guy who's acting all Joe-regular by day, and then turns all demon-hunter by night?"
Graham: "Maybe a peculiar one."

Graham: "She's compromising the area."
Forrest: "At least she's not making crazy naked sex."
Riley: "Told you."

"You wanna use the girl I have a crush on as bait?"

Riley: "Are you drunk?"
Buffy: "Yes! Go and report me."

Buffy: "What? You think that boys can take care of themselves and girls need help?"
Riley: "Yeah."
Buffy: "That is so teutonic."

Riley: "Did Willow tell you I like cheese?"
Buffy: "You're a little peculiar."
Riley: "I can live with that."

Pangs

Riley: "We do this the Professor's way."
Forrest: (cough) "Mama's boy."
Riley: "That's a nasty cough. You might need to spend the weekend in quarantine."
Forrest: "Oh, no. I'm done coughing."

Buffy: "Riley, where'd you come from? I didn't see you at all."
Riley: "Oh, just across the street... and a couple of blocks down."

Riley: "And I know what you're thinking. It's like I grew up in a Grant Wood painting."
Buffy: "Exactly. If I knew who that was."

Something Blue

Buffy: "Is there something you want to tell me?"
Riley: "What?" (Buffy looks at "Lesbian Alliance" sign) "Oh. Yes, I am a lesbian."
Buffy: "Well, it's good that you're so open about it."

Riley: "I thought maybe we could have a little spread - sandwiches, maybe some ants. Could be fun."
Buffy: "We were talking about a picnic?"
Riley: "Oh... so, was that a conversation I actually had or one I was just practicing?"
Buffy: "Practicing?"
Riley: "Okay, yes, I have been known to do a little prep work before our conversations. It's not easy, you know, talking to you sometimes. It's like an oral exam."
Buffy: "Boy, that's just what every girl longs to hear."
Riley: "Well, you're tricky."
Buffy: "Like an exam?"
Riley: "I never know how you're gonna react to something. That's why I like you so much. You're a mystery. Probably every beautiful girl in the world has some jerk telling her she's a mystery, but... I swear, you really are. There's a lot about you that needs puzzling out. (pause) I lose you somewhere?"
Buffy: "Right around... 'beautiful'."
Riley: "Say, don't you just love a picnic?"

Buffy: "You seriously drive for fun?"
Riley: "Well, not 4-wheeling or anything, but yeah. Don't you?"
Buffy: "Actually, no-wheeling is more my specialty."

Riley: "You can have the best time in a car. It's not about getting somewhere. You have to take your time... forget about everything. You just relax... let it wash over you... the air... the motion. Let it roll."
Buffy: "We ARE talking about driving, right?"
Riley: "I thought I was."

Riley: "The wedding. What wedding?"
Buffy: "My wedding. I'm getting married. Can you believe it?"
Riley: "I don't think no's a strong enough word."
Buffy: "I know, it's crazy. I mean, we fought for all those years, and then... Sometimes you just look at someone, and... you know. You know?"
Riley: "No."
Buffy: "I think maybe we fought because we couldn't admit how we really felt about each other."
Riley: "Can we start again?"

Riley: "What's his name?"
Buffy: "Who?"
Riley: "The groom."
Buffy: "Spike."
Riley: "That's a name?"
Buffy: "Don't be mad."
Riley: "I'm not mad."
Buffy: "No, you are mad."
Riley: "No, I am."

Riley: "Who is this guy? Does he go here?"
Buffy: "Spike? Oh, no, he's totally old."
Riley: "Old."
Buffy: "Well, not as old as my last boyfriend was."
Riley: "Okay. It's late. And I'm... I'm very tired now. So... I'm just gonna go far away and be... away."
Buffy: "But..."
Riley: "No. Stay."
Buffy: "They're ruining my happy day."

Buffy: "I saw that fear in your eyes when you caught me looking at wedding dresses, and I had to give you a hard time."
Riley: "I did not have fear in my eyes."
Buffy: "Yes, you did. You were looking at me like I was a cartoon ball & chain."
Riley: "So you decided to tell me you were getting married."
Buffy: "Uh-huh."
Riley: "So, you're insane."
Buffy: "Uh-huh."
Riley: "But you're still single?"
Buffy: "Yes."
Riley: "Okay, then. Just another little piece of the Buffy puzzle."
Buffy: "You have a lot to learn about women, Riley."
Riley: "You're gonna teach me."

Something Blue

Buffy: "This feels very strange."
Riley: "Don't worry. If I kiss you, it'll make the sun go down."

Willow: "So, were you dreaming?"
Buffy: "Yeah. And it was kind of intense."
Riley: "Intense. Really? 'Cause you seemed so peaceful."

Riley: "So tell me about your dream. As a psych major, I'm qualified to go, 'hmmm'."
Buffy: "I don't really remember."
Riley: "Well, did I appear at all in this dream?"
Buffy: "There might have been a cameo."
Riley: "Is that right?"
Buffy: "More like a featured role."
Riley: "Romantic lead?"
Buffy: "I'm not saying a word."

Riley: "So what have you got going on tonight?"
Buffy: "Oh, patrolling."
Riley: "Patrolling?"
Buffy: "Uh, petroleum."
Riley: "Petroleum?"
Buffy: "Uh-huh."
Riley: "Tonight you have crude oil?"
Buffy: "And homework."

Riley: "Buffy's special."
Forrest: "You think she's special? Wow, first 486 times you told me it didn't register, but now I see that you think she's special."
Riley: "See, you're naturally inclined to talk too much. I don't have that."
Forrest: "Then get with the kissing."

Riley: "Well, I guess we have to talk."
uffy: "I guess we do."
(long silence)

Doomed

Buffy: "Somebody should speak before one of us graduates."
Riley: "What are you?"
Buffy: "Capricorn, on the cusp of Aquarius. You?"
Riley: "Sorry. Came out a little blunter than I intended. It's just... You're amazing - your speed, your strength."
Buffy: "Also passionate, artistic, and inquisitive. Who are you?"
Riley: "You know who I am. The rest... what I do... I can't tell you."
Buffy: "Well, then, let me. You're part of some military monster squad that captures demons, vampires - probably have some official sounding euphemisms for them, like... unfriendlies, or non-sapiens."
Riley: "Hostile sub-terrestrials."
Buffy: "So, you deliver these HST's to a bunch of lab-coats who perform experiments on them, which, among other things, turns some into harmless little bunnies. How am I doing so far?"
Riley: "A little too well."

Riley: "You whaled on those guys."
Buffy: "You did pretty well yourself."
Riley: "Yeah, but I'm a walking bruise today. You see me with my clothes off, I look like a... I mean, I have bruises. I don't see a scratch on you."
Buffy: "You're not looking hard enough."
Riley: "I'm looking pretty hard."

Buffy: "I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy."
Riley: "I am a nice, normal guy."
Buffy: "Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a curve."

Riley: "Sorry I'm so excited - it's my first earthquake."
Buffy: "It's not mine."

Riley: "What's a Slayer?"
Forrest: "Slayer? Thrash band. Anvil-heavy guitar rock with delusions of Black Sabbath."

Riley: "You're telling me she doesn't exist."
Forrest: "Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebody's bubble here? Maybe this is a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny."

Forrest: "All part of the medieval folklore garbage kooks dream up to explain things we deal with every day."
Riley: "How do *you* explain the things we deal with every day?"

Riley: "Buffy - she's pretty cool, isn't she?"
Forrest: "Yes, already. She's cool. She's hot. She's tepid. She's all-temperature Buffy."

Buffy: "I can't."
Riley: "Can't talk?"
Buffy: "Can't any of it. I can't be with you. It's a huge black pit of a mistake, and I can't go there again."
Riley: "Again? You dated me before?"

Buffy: "You don't know what my life is like."
Riley: "And I'm dying to find out."
Buffy: "Dying being the operative word here."

Riley: "I'm confused... But I can feel my skin humming. My hands, my... my every inch of me. I've never been this excited about anybody before. I'm not trying to scare you, and I'm not gonna force myself on you. But I am, by god, not gonna walk away because I think it might not work. I don't know what's happened in your past..."
Buffy: "Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun."

"There's no pattern that we can discern yet, so we gotta assume it's on a basic kill-crush-destroy."

Riley: "This thing, this you-and-me thing, it's stupid."
Buffy: "I know. Which is why we can't do it, the you-and-me thing."
Riley: "No, I mean you're stupid. I mean... I don't mean that. No. I think maybe I do."
Buffy: "Well, with sweet talk like that, you'll definitely melt my reservations."

Riley: "Buffy, where is the bad, here? It just turns out that we're even more well-matched than we thought we were. I mean, you're a... fry cook. And so am I."
Buffy: "Yes, but you're an amateur... fry cook, and I come from a long line of fry cooks that don't live past 25."

"I know that it's not just the job thing. I'm sure that there's some good-looking guy who done you wrong in there, too."

Riley: "Well, hey! Willow, and Xander, right? Geeze, what are the chances, huh? Yeah, I was just passing by, and I thought I heard people inside."
Willow: "You were just passing by, in your G.I. Joe outfit?"
Buffy: "No offense, but you do look wicked conspicuous."
Riley: "I do? Paint-ball! Yeah, I was playing paint-ball, and then the aftershock..."

Riley: "I'm just... I'm a dead man. Secret. Highly. Or it's supposed to be. And then you find out. I can deal. You're special. But last night with your friends was a disaster. I mean, could I have been less convincing? I was trained to be sneaky and stuff, and I'm like, "Hi, paint-ball, just passing by." I should have just given them my security code and rank."
Buffy: "You have a security code and rank?"
Riley: "No."

A New Man

"Ah, I've seen the library. It's gone downhill since you left."

Riley: "Wow."
Buffy: "Those were my best stories. I didn't tell you the "Buffy breaks her butt" stories."
Riley: "But you killed the... you did the thing with that... You drowned. And the snake? Not to mention the daily slayage of... Wow."
Buffy: "It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?"
Riley: "Buffy... when I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse."

Riley: "Don't get me wrong, the girls I grew up with could hold their own, but, well, I'm not even sure I could take you."
Buffy: "That all depends on your meaning."

Riley: "Buffy, I can't take you with me."
Buffy: "You're not taking me with you. I am going, and I'm letting you come along."

(To Ethan) "By the authority of the U.S. military, you're being taken into custody, pending a determination of your status."

Riley: "You're really strong. Like, Spiderman strong."
Buffy: "Yeah. But I don't stick to stuff. But, yeah."
Riley: "And you're in charge. You're, like, make the plan, execute the plan. No one giving you orders."
Buffy: "I'm the Slayer."
Riley: "I like it."
Buffy: "Yeah?"
Riley: "But give me another, oh, week to get ready, and I'll take you down."

Riley: "You won't be disappointed in her. She's good at what she does. And she is one of the truest souls I've ever known."
Maggie Walsh: "Oh, no - oh, no! Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord, spare me college boys in love."

The I In Team

Buffy: "My god. You said it was big. You told me, but you never said it was huge."
Riley: "Don't like to brag."

Riley: "Hope you don't mind us tagging along."
Willow: "No, no, of course not. The more, the... more."

Buffy: "Your robot bird sounds hungry."
Riley: "It's just a reminder to take my vitamins."
Buffy: "You're kidding. You're quite the regimental soldier."

Goodbye Iowa

Riley: "I thought you were supposed to be killing these things, not buying them drinks."
Buffy: "Oh, that's smooth, Officer Riley. They teach you those undercover moves in the Special Forces?"

Adam: "Mother wrote things down. Hard data, but also her feelings. That's how I learned that I have a job here, and that she loved me."
Riley: "She wasn't your mother, and she didn't love you."
Xander: "Is that really the issue?"

Riley: "I'll kill you."
Adam: "You won't. You haven't been programmed to."

This Year's Girl

Buffy: "I figure I'll go in through the elevator shaft and use the cable as tow lines, then blast open the facility doors and find the infirmary."
Riley: "Am I really worth all that?"

Buffy: "Oh god, I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"
Riley: "No. A giant skewer through the ribcage hurt me. That was just a reminder."

Riley: "All I had in there was... this one little part of you."
Buffy: "It's just the scarf part of me, really."

"I just suck at the whole gray-area thing."

Riley: "What are you doing?"
Buffy: "I am looking for brain-washy chips in your head."
Riley: "Finding any?"

Buffy: "She's a very dangerous woman."
Riley: "Okay, I get it, Faith bad. Do I look like I'm arguing?"
Buffy: "Not yet. But you always make that innocent face right before you start."
Riley: "Figured that out, huh? Damn. Took Mom twelve years to catch that one."

Buffy: "It's a long story."
Riley: "I'm from Iowa. We drive four hours for a high-school football game. Try me."

Who Are You

"I have to admit, I was kind of curious to meet her... or I was, until about 30 seconds ago."

Riley: "Door's open."
Buffy (Faith): "So?"
Riley: "So my fantasies don't tend to include a bunch of Marines staring in at me."

Riley: "I'm healing pretty quick."
Buffy (Faith): "Maybe we should take you for a test drive."
Riley: "I wouldn't say no."
Buffy (Faith): "So, how do you want me?"

Riley: "What are we playing at here?"
Buffy (Faith): "I'm Buffy."
Riley: "Okay. Then I'll be Riley."

Buffy (Faith): "How did you respond so fast?"
Riley: "I didn't. I was just late for church."

"Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a... sex way."

Superstar

Riley: "Quite the couple, aren't they?"
Buffy: "They get into a fist fight, I got $50 on Anya."

Riley: "These spells. These really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside-out, or learn to excrete gold coins?"
Anya: "That one's not so much fun."

Xander: "You know what I'll always remember?"
Riley: "The swimsuit calendar's sticking in my mind. Not in a good way."

"Did anyone else feel way too tall?"

Buffy: "I'm glad we talked this all out."
Riley: "We haven't talked at all."
Buffy: "Oh. Well, whatever we're doing, we're doing it great."

Where the Wild Things Are

"First thing. Good plan."

Buffy: "I need you to take a look at... an essay... for class."
Riley: "That essay. right. I'll catch you guys in a minute. There's an essay... gotta look at."
Graham: "And I'm the one who got a "D" in Covert Ops."

Willow: "It must have been horrible."
Buffy: "Yeah. Horrible."
Riley: "Uh-huh. It was bad."

New Moon Rising

"We got demons coming out our ears."

Riley: "So, um, I was missing something this afternoon, wasn't I? I mean, breakups are tough, but when Oz walked in, it seemed like emotions were running extra high."
Buffy: "Oz and Willow had a rough breakup."

Riley: "Man, that was record time."
Buffy: "It's no fun when they're that easy."
Riley: "Speak for yourself."

Riley: "Oz is a werewolf, and Willow was dating him?!"
Buffy: "Yes. Hence the high emotions."
Riley: "Man, you're kidding me? I got to say I'm surprised. I didn't think Willow was that kind of girl."
Buffy: "What kind of girl?"
Riley: "Into dangerous guys. She seemed smarter than that."
Buffy: "Oz is not dangerous. Something happened to him that wasn't his fault. God, I never knew you were such a bigot."
Riley: "Whoa! Hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month."

Oz: "I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy."
Willow: "No. No new guy."

"Okay, I've been up less than a minute, and somehow I've managed to piss you off."

Buffy: "You sounded like Mr. Initiative. Demons bad. People good."
Riley: "Something wrong with that theorem?"
Buffy: "There's different degrees of..."
Riley: "Evil?"

Riley: "How'd you get in?"
Buffy: "Talk later. Stealthy escape now."

"Buffy, I leave now, I can't ever come back. (pause) I just wanted to hear that out loud."

Colonel: You're a dead man, Finn."
Riley: "No, sir. I'm an anarchist. "

The Yoko Factor

Xander: "Try those on - you'll feel like a new man."
Riley: "Would this man have a bright red nose and big floppy feet?"

"But as post-apocalypse splendor goes, I've done wonders with the place."

Riley: "I take it you're not an Angel fan, either."
Xander: "It's not like I hate the guy... just, you know, the guts part of him."

Xander: "Angel's an okay guy if he's mopey and sad and brooding, but you give him even one second of pure, real pleasure..."
Riley: "And that sets him off."
Xander: "Only in the big old "kill your friends kind of way. And you know what makes Angel happiest? I'll give you a hint: it's not creme brulee."

"That explains a lot of things that I wish weren't explained."

Xander: "Hey, man, that's all ancient history."
Riley: "She went running to LA to bone up on her history."
Xander: "No, I'm sure it's boneless."

Buffy: "You joined the circus?"
Riley: "Xander took my clothes to clean them, left me these. Does he, uh, hate me in some way I don't know about yet?"

"It's the pants, isn't it? It's okay, I couldn't take me seriously in these things, either."

"I have to recharge them every two hours or they go dead on me."

"Way I heard it, you were all peaceable now. You didn't by any chance go and lose that pesky soul again, did you?"

Angel: "Think you're going to stop me?"
Riley: "I surely do."

Angel: "Put that gun down."
Riley: "It's pretty much all I got left, so I'm thinking not."

Buffy: "He won't hurt anybody. Tell him!"
Angel: "Might hurt you."
Riley: "Oh, please try."
Angel: "Huh, some threat. You can barely stand."
Riley: "My trigger finger feels okay."
Angel: "You actually sleep with this guy?"

Buffy: "How bad are you hurt?"
Riley: "Dunno yet. The night's still young."

Riley: "Xander said..."
Buffy: "Xander? Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia."

Riley: "When I saw that he was bad..."
Buffy: "He's... not bad."
Riley: "Seriously? That's a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he's good, he's all Mr. Billowy-coat, king of pain, and girls really..."

"See? Nuts."

Buffy: "Then why with the crazy?"
Riley: "Because I'm so in love with you I can't think straight."
Buffy: "Tell me about it."

Primeval

Adam: "I simply activated it, brother."
Riley: "Stop calling me that - I'm not your brother. You're a botched science experiment. I'm a human being, who's gonna do everything in his power to--"
Adam: "Sit."
Riley: (sits)

Adam: "Demons cling to old ways and ancient feuds. And they're hopeless with technology; unworthy."
Riley: "Not really wanting a lecture right now."

Riley: "Forrest. Oh, god."
Forrest: "God has nothing to do with it."

Forrest: "Is that it? Is that all you got?"
Riley: "No. She's got me."

Riley: "We still got men out there."
Spike: "Well, let's go save 'em, by gum."

Restless