<div align="center"><font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">-Isms - Xander Harris

Willow: "That's right, big boy. Come and get it."
Xander: "Get him! Any time now..."

Xander: "First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?"
Oz: "Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?"
Xander: "That's right, he was. Cheater! Okay, and the second problem I'm having... 'Come and get it, big boy'?"
Willow: "Well, the Slayer always says a pun or a witty play on words, and I think it throws the vampires off and it makes 'em frightened because I'm wisecracking, okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one but you try it every time!"
Oz: "If I may suggest: "This time, it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic."
Xander: "I've always been amazed with how Buffy fought, but in a way, I feel like we took her punning for granted."
Willow: "Xander! Past tense rule!?"

Xander: "I can't wait to see Cordelia! I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia."
Willow: "I wonder what our first homework assignment's going to be! Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues."

Xander: "I don't want to come on too geeky, but, uh... okay, I'm psyched. There's gonna be some heat, if you know what I mean, so you guys might want to duck and cover. And I'm starting to be geeky. Okay, bye. How's my..."
Willow: "Your hair is fine."

Xander: "Boy, I'm glad we showed up for depressing night."
Willow: "I wonder what she's doing right now?"
Xander: "Oh, I know what she's doing. Gabbing to all of her friends about her passionate affair with Pedro the cabana-boy. Laughing about me, thinking how she still might have feelings about me. Oh, it's possible you're talking about Buffy."
Willow: "It's possible."

Xander: "Yeah, the slaying isn't getting any easier, either."
Oz: "I don't know, I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down."
Xander: "We're losing half the vamps."
Oz: "Yeah, but... rhythmically."
Willow: "We just need to work on our timing, I think."
Xander: "Well, I know what we need."
Oz: "A vampire Slayer?"
Xander: "Next best thing... bait."

Xander: "Go away - this is my hiding spot."
Cordelia: "Where do I hide?"
Xander: "You don't hide - you're bait. Go act bait-y."
Cordelia: "What's the plan?"
Xander: "The vampire attacks you."
Cordelia: "And then what?"
Xander: "The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice."

Buffy: "What if he's mad?"
Xander: "'Mad'? Just because you ran away and abandoned your post and your friends and your mom and made him lay awake every night worrying about you? Maybe we should wait out here."

Xander: "Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a... a looker or a... a seer."
Giles: "Thank you, Xander."

Xander: "Did you go to Belgium?"
Buffy: "Why would I go to Belgium?"
Xander: "I think the relevant question is why wouldn't you? Belgium!"

Cordelia: "So were you, like, living in a box or what?"
Buffy: "Well, it's a long story."
Xander: "So skip the heartwarming stuff about kindly old people and saving the farm and get right to the dirt."

Xander: "Oh, I would, but, uh, I'm kind of tied up."
Cordelia: "You wish."

Cordelia: "I'm the dip."
Xander: "Uh, you gotta' admire the purity of it."
Cordelia: "What? Onion dip. Stirring, not cooking. It's what I bring."

"Well, I hate brie."

"And what'll we talk about at a gathering anyway? 'So, Buffy, did you meet any nice pimps on your travels? And, oh, by the by, thanks for ruining our lives for the past three months.'"

"She doesn't want to talk about it, we don't want to talk about it, so why don't we just shut up and dance?"

"Okay, so one vote from the old guy for a smelly cheese night, and how many votes for actual fun, huh?"

Xander: "Some kind of party, huh? I guess a lot of people are glad to have you back."
Buffy: "It seems like people I didn't even know missed me."

Xander: "I mean, it's great to have the Buffster back. Isn't it?"
Cordelia: "Totally! Except you were kind of turning me on with that whole boy Slayer look."
Xander: "Was I now?"
Cordelia: "You bet, Nighthawk."

Buffy: "Punish you? I didn't do this to punish you."
Xander: Well, you did. You should've seen what you put her through."
Buffy: "Great. Thanks. Anybody else want to weigh in here? How about you by the dip?"

"You can't just bury stuff, Buffy. It'll come right back up to get you."

"Look, I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles."

Xander: "Let her finish! You at least owe her that."
Buffy: "God, Xander, do you think you could at least stick to annoying me on your own behalf?"
Xander: Fine. You stop acting like an idiot, I'll stop annoying you."
Buffy: "Oh, you wanna' talk acting like an idiot, Nighthawk?"

"Man, this sucker wobbles, but he won't fall down!"

Joyce: "What do we do if they get in?"
Xander: "I kind of think we die!"

"Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good."

"Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell or what?"

"Buffy! Banned from campus, but not from our hearts. How are ya' and what's for lunch?"

Cordelia: "When did you become Martha Stewart?"
Buffy: "First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto."
Xander: "I don't believe she slays either."
Oz: "Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to."

"Oh, you want to date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut. Ha ha ha ha."

"Ha ha ha... ow."

"Wow! They should film that story and show it every Christmas."

Willow: "You know, you can hang out with us whlie she's testing. You wanna'?"
Xander: "Say 'yes' and, uh, bring your stories."
Buffy: "You guys go. It's fine. Fine. I'll just... sit."

Willow: "And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes."
Xander: "And this is the spot where Angel tried to kill Willow."
Willow: "Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on parent-teacher night. Oh, and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave."
Xander: "And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid."

Cordelia: "What is it with you and Slayers? Maybe I should dress up as one, and put a stake to your throat."
Xander: "Oh, please, God, don't let that be sarcasm."

"Private Harris reporting for Oz-watch.

Xander: "Ah, "Call of the Wild." Aren't we reading the Cliff's Notes of this in English?
Willow: "Some of us are. Anyway, it'll help you stay awake. It's good, and very wolfy. It seems to sooth the savage beast. Except for the part about rabbits.
Oz: Growl!
Xander: "Rabbis?

Xander: "No worries, I can handle the Oz full monty. I mean, not handle handle, like hands to flesh handle.
Willow: "Okay, well, it's not for you. It's for me, 'cause I'm still getting used to the half monty.
Xander: "Oh, good. Half? You and Oz? Which half?
Willow: "Wouldn't you like to know!"

Xander: "Not to freak, I rested my eyes now and then, that's all.
Giles: "How long, exactly, did you rest your eyes for?
Xander: "A little now, a little then.

Buffy: "I'm afraid to ask.
Cordelia: "Oz ate someone last night.
Willow: "He did not!
Xander: "Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know, side effect, people get cut to ribbons, and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and... I'm not helping, am I?

"We're doing crime here. You don't sneak up during crime.

"This guy is pretty barf-worthy. Can't we be elsewhere?

Willow: "There are a lot of incised wounds, but they could be from anything.
Cordelia: "Anything with big, sharp teeth, and vicious...
Xander: "Do you want to go back to the car and wait?

"Okay, little too much excitement for the Willster here.

Cordelia: "He didn't? Pete was a monster? Where have I been?
Xander: "In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.

"A limo? A big, expensive limo?"

"You want to talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people. Back me up here, Oz."

"Well, technically, you haven't been elected yet... although you certainly and without a doubt will be. Who else likes a limo?"

Willow: "You have to help me pick an outfit. I want to wear something that makes Oz go, 'Oh!'"
Xander: "No problem. I got the tux going on. I'm going to look hot if it even remotely fits."

Xander: "What'cha doin'?"
Cordelia: "Checking out the, I laughingly use the phrase, "competition." Holly Charlston: nice girl, brain dead, doesn't have a prayer. Michelle Blake: open to all mankind, especially those with a letterman's jacket and a car. She could give me a run."
Willow: "Where's Buffy? She's going to miss the yearbook pictures."
Xander: "Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty."
Cordelia: "They're training!"
Xander: "I stand by my phrase."
Cordelia: "I have to go to the nurse's office for an ice-pack anyway."
Xander: "Did you hurt yourself?"
Cordelia: "No, silly, it shrinks the pores."

Willow: "It's my first big dance, you know. Where there's a boy, and a band. And not just me alone in my room pretending that there's a boy and a band. I just want it to be..."
Xander: "Special. That's why I spared no expense on the tux."
Willow: "The tux? I thought you borrowed it from your cousin Rigby?"
Xander: "Expense to my pride, Will. They're our only relations with money, and they shun us. As they should."
Willow: "Remember that eighth grade cotillion, and you had that clip-on?"
Xander: "Yeah, I was pretty stylin' with the clip-on."

Willow: "Now here we are, and it's Homecoming."
Xander: "Yeah, we should face it, Will. You and I are going to be in neighboring rest homes, while I come over so you can adjust me... my, uh... Well, I can't think of anything that's not really gross, so..."

Xander: "So, you and Oz... how do I put this? Are we on first, second, or ye gods?"
Willow: "That's none of your business, Alexander Harris."
Xander: "Oh, rounding second!"
Willow: "You don't know that! What about you and Cordelia?"
Xander: "Oh, a gentleman never talks about his conquests."
Willow: "When did you become a... gentleman?"
Willow: "I know... "nice."
Xander: "I was gonna go with "gorgeous."
Willow: "Really? You too... in a guy way."
Xander: "Oz is very lucky."
Willow: "So's Cordelia. In a girl way."

Xander: "That didn't just happen."
Willow: "No! I mean, it did, but it didn't."
Xander: "Because I respect you, and Oz, and I would never..."
Willow: "I would never, either. It must be the clothes. It's a fluke."
Xander: "It's a clothes fluke, that's what it is. And there'll be no more fluking."
Willow: "Not ever."
Xander: "We got to get out of these clothes."
Willow: "Right now!"
Xander: "Oh, I didn't mean..."
Willow: "I didn't, me either."

Xander: "She's my girlfriend."

Xander: "Okay, let's not say something we'll regret later, okay?"
Cordelia: "You crazy freak!"
Buffy: "Vapid whore!"
Xander: "Like that!"

Willow: "This is all our fault."
Xander: "How do you get from chick-fight to our fault?"
Willow: "Because we felt so guilty about the fluke we overcompensated helping Cordelia, and we spun the whole group dynamic out of orbit, and we're just a big meteor shower heading for Earth..."
Xander: "Okay, calm down. Let's just put our heads together and think of something. Okay, now one of us here is pretty darn smart, and I'm... just in hell! I mean, I thought being a senior, at last, and having a girlfriend, at last, would be a good thing. Why wouldn't that be a good thing? What?"
Willow: "Sometimes when you're falling to pieces, your mouth, it just does the sweetest thing..."

Xander: "We're not mopey. We're grooving. On Oz's band. He's a great guy, Oz."

Willow: "They're going to announce the Queen. Where are they? What's keeping them?"
Oz: "I'm gonna go with mud-wrestling."
Xander: "Oh, god! What did you two do to each other?"
Buffy: "Long story."
Cordelia: "Got hunted."
Buffy: "Apparently, not that long."

Xander: "I hate they make us take that thing [SAT]. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it discriminates against the uninformed."
Cordelia: "Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. What? I can't have layers?"

Willow: "Ooh! Candy bars! Lots of 'em!"
Xander: "Principal Snyder, thank you! You weren't visited by the ghost of Christmas past by any chance?"

Xander: "Those tall fuzzy hats aren't cheap, huh?"
Oz: "But they go with everything."

"I like chocolate. There is no bad here."

Willow: "I went to, like, four houses and they were gone. It's like trick or treating in reverse."
Xander: "I know! These things are selling like hot cakes. Which is ironic 'cause the hot cakes really aren't moving."

Xander: "The band. They're great. They march."
Willow: "Like an army. Except with music instead of bullets, and usually no one dies."

Ms. Barton: Let's just sit quietly and pretend we're reading something until we're really sure old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!"
Xander: "Does anyone else want to marry Miss Barton?"
Cordelia: "Get in line."

"I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff--never mind."

Revelations

Willow: "And that's very beautiful. I think it's great when two people like two people and want to be close to them instead of anyone else."
Xander: "Hear, hear!"

Cordelia: "Xander, why are you giving me a lap dance?"
Xander: "What? I just like you."

Cordelia: "Why are you guys so hyper?"
Willow: "Hey, speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual... anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different?"
Xander: "Let's see -- Killing zombies... torching sewer monsters... and, no, that's pretty much the same old Buffster."

Amends/A Buffy Christmas

Buffy: "It was so weird."
Xander: "Angel? Weird? What are the odds?"

"Oh, it must be that whole 'Angel killed his girlfriend and tortured him' thing, and Giles is petty when it comes to stuff like that."

Xander: "So, you doing anything special?"
Buffy: "Tree. Nog. Roast beast. Just me and mom and hopefully an excess of gifts."

Xander: "Yeah, I like to look at the stars, you know? Feel the whole nature vibe."
Cordelia: "I thought you slept outside to avoid your family's drunken Christmas fights."
Xander: "Yes, and that was a confidence I was hoping you would share with everyone."

"Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing, and, um, I don't know. Maybe I finally got the Chanukah spirit."

Buffy: "Are you sure this is how you wanna' spend your Christmas vacation?"
Xander: "Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life?"

Willy: "So, what can I do for you? Couple of drinks?"
Xander: "Yeah. Let me get a double shot of, um... of information, pal."

Xander: "How 'bout I ring that bell for you. (to Buffy) Does the threatening come now?"
Buffy: "Maybe you shouldn't help."

Willy: "I heard a few things, you know, from the underground."
Xander: "The underground?"
Willy: "Yeah, you know. From things that live under the ground."

Willy: "Hey. You did great, by the way. I was very intimidated by you."
Xander: "Really? Thanks!"

Xander: "We know underground. That's a start."
Buffy: "Sure, in a town with fourteen million square miles of sewer."
Xander: "Plus a lot of natural cave formations and a gateway to Hell. Yeah, this does resemble square one."

"I think right now the best plan is to deck the halls with boughs of holly."

Xander: "But we're the best of Buffy's bestest buds. She'd tell us."
Buffy: "Tell you what?"
Willow: "About your new boyfriend, who we made up... unless we didn't?"

"Hey, you're not the Watcher of me."

Willow: "What does he want from us, anyway?"
Xander: "The number of a qualified surgeon to remove the British flag from his butt?"

Willow: "Oh, stop."
Xander: "Right. Stop means no, and no means no, so, um, stop."

"Hey, Giles, here's a nifty idea. Why don't I alleviate my guilt by going out and getting myself really, really killed?"

Giles: "I am in complete control of my Slayer."
Xander: "Giles! We have a big problem - it's Buffy."

Buffy: "It's not what you think."
Xander: "Hope not. Because I think you're harboring a vicious killer."

Buffy: "I just wanted to wait..."
Xander: "For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?"

Cordelia: "What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?"
Buffy: "It was an accident!"
Xander: "What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?"

"I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason."

Faith: "I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay."
Xander: "Can I come?"

Xander: "Good old Sunnydale library. Fully equipped with reference books, file cards... and weapons."
Faith: "Beauty."
Xander: "I call crossbow."

Xander: "Wait!"
Faith: "For what? For you to grow a pair?"

Cordelia: "So there's no more glove-thingy?"
Xander: "Nah, a little living fire, a little mesquite - gone for good."
Oz: "Sounds like we missed a lot of fun."
Xander: "Then we're telling it wrong."

Xander: "Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess."
Buffy: "Are we cool?"
Xander: "Yeah. Just seeing the two of you kissing after everything that happened, I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you."
Cordelia: "I don't, just for the record."

Lover's Walk

Willow: "This is a nightmare. This is... my world is spinning."
Xander: "It's not that bad, Willow, really."
Willow: "740? Verbal?? I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel."
Xander: "That's right, and the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot."

Xander: "Willow is very sad by her academic failure. How did you do? This is not good."
Cordelia: "What's not good?"
Xander: "Well, I'm just worried it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out I'm dating a brain."

Oz: "I can see why you'd be upset. That was my sarcastic voice."
Xander: "You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice."
Oz: "I've been told that."

"Why the sourpuss?"

Xander: "Come on. It'll be fun."
Cordelia: "I don't know, I just thought we were going to do something... you know, classy."
Xander: "What's classier than bowling?"

Xander: "There's pictures. Of me. In your locker. I never knew I was locker door material."
Cordelia: "Well... just barely. Besides, I look really cute in those pictures."

Willow: "I'm on Oz's team."
Xander: "Yeah? Well, prepare to be crushed. (to Cordelia) Maybe we should practice."

Willow: "It's a mistake. It's a terrible, fatal mistake. I see that now."
Xander: "It's just bowling."
Willow: "It's bad bowling."

Willow: "It's a very intimate situation. It's all sexy, with the smoke and the sweating, and the shoe rental..."
Xander: "You're turned on by rented shoes?"
Willow: "That's not the issue."

Xander: "Look, we're just very good friends who like to hang out, and can I kiss your earlobe?"
Willow: "No! Well, okay. No. Pez!"

Xander: "Whoa! It smells like church in here. No, wait... evil church."
Willow: "It's just chemistry stuff. An experiment."
Xander: "Why do I have to be here?"
Willow: "It'll help you on the exam. You're way behind."
Xander: "But that's why you love me, right? Academically dangerous?"
Willow: "Here, hold this."
Xander: "A feather. And who would I be tickling?"
Willow: "Shush!"

Xander: "Is that a spell book?"
Willow: "No, no, no! Chemistry book."
Xander: "Wait a minute. This is love spell stuff. You doing a love spell?"
Willow: "No, of course not! This is a purely scientific... de-lusting spell... for us. I thought it would go better if you didn't know."
Xander: "Are you nuts? Or have you forgotten I tend to have bad luck with these sorts of spells?"

"I wish for a lot of things! I told you I wished I was a fireman when we were in sixth grade, but you didn't follow through on that."

Willow: "This whole 'us' thing is... bleach!"
Xander: "So, do you really need to resort to the black arts to keep our hormones in check?"

"So, we're pretty much in a "scream all you want" scenario?"

Willow: "Drusilla broke up with him."
Xander: "Gee, and we'd all hoped those crazy kids would make it work."

"If he's so drunk, he'll get sloppy, and then I'll make my move. As long as my move doesn't involve standing up or using my limbs, we'll be okay."

Willow: "We're not supposed to." (...kiss)
Xander: "Exemption for impending death situation."

The Wish

"How come Faith was a no-show? I thought mucusy demons were her favorites."

Xander: "Well, burial detail aside, does this cap us off for the day?"
Buffy: "You got plans?"
Xander: "I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans."
Buffy: "No luck reaching Cordelia?"
Xander: "I've left a few messages. 60... 70..."

Xander: "But you know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss."
Willow: "Darn tootin'!"
Xander: "And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault."
Buffy: "Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic."
Xander: "Mine is much more advanced."

"So tell us, wise one, how do you deal?"

Xander: "Excuse me, I need to be both giving and receiving of mirth. Is it too much to ask for a little back-up?"
Buffy: "I'm here for you, Xand. I'm support-o-gal."

Willow: "It's true - Cordelia belongs to the justified camp. She should make us pay. And pay, and pay, and pay... In fact, there's just not enough pay for what..."
Xander: "Look, you want to do guilt-a-palooza, fine."

Xander: "Behold the beauty that is now. Who's with me?"
Buffy: "Actually, he's making sense. We're young and free in America. How dare we be spun by love, or the lack of same?"
Willow: "Absolutely. It's self-indulgent. I'm in. I'm on the joy train."
(long pause)
Buffy: "That didn't work. Who wants chocolate?"

"Look at her - tears of a clown, baby. Or is it... grins of a sad person?"

Willow: "Xander, your hand."
Xander: "Oops, sorry. But why oops? I mean, we always touch digits. It's a friend thing. Comfort - like chocolate."

Xander: "Buffy? The Slayer?"
Cordelia: "No, Buffy the dog-faced-girl! Duh! Who do you think I'm talking about?"

Willow: "No fun. She didn't even hardly fight."
Xander: "Ah, swell. It's the white hats."

"Slap my hand, dead soul man."

"...till that wanna-slay librarian showed up."

Xander: "'Gotta get Buffy here." Isn't that what they called the Slayer?"
Willow: "Hmm, Buffy. Ooh, scary."
Xander: "Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts."

Willow: "You're in a big cage."
Xander: "Not too bright, book guy."

Master: "You killed the girl that sought the Slayer?"
Xander: "It was too easy."
Willow: "I felt cheap."

Willow: "Don't you want to?"
Xander: "No thanks, baby. I just want to watch you go."

Master: "Hunt and kill, hunt and kill. Titillating? Yes. Practical? Hardly. Meanwhile, the humans, with their plebeian minds, have brought us a truly demonic concept. Mass production!"
Xander: "We really are living in a golden age."

Amends/A Buffy Christmas

Buffy: "It was so weird."
Xander: "Angel? Weird? What are the odds?"

"Oh, it must be that whole 'Angel killed his girlfriend and tortured him' thing, and Giles is petty when it comes to stuff like that."

Xander: "So, you doing anything special?"
Buffy: "Tree. Nog. Roast beast. Just me and mom and hopefully an excess of gifts."

Xander: "Yeah, I like to look at the stars, you know? Feel the whole nature vibe."
Cordelia: "I thought you slept outside to avoid your family's drunken Christmas fights."
Xander: "Yes, and that was a confidence I was hoping you would share with everyone."

"Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing, and, um, I don't know. Maybe I finally got the Chanukah spirit."

Buffy: "Are you sure this is how you wanna' spend your Christmas vacation?"
Xander: "Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life?"

Willy: "So, what can I do for you? Couple of drinks?"
Xander: "Yeah. Let me get a double shot of, um... of information, pal."

Xander: "How 'bout I ring that bell for you. (to Buffy) Does the threatening come now?"
Buffy: "Maybe you shouldn't help."

Willy: "I heard a few things, you know, from the underground."
Xander: "The underground?"
Willy: "Yeah, you know. From things that live under the ground."

Willy: "Hey. You did great, by the way. I was very intimidated by you."
Xander: "Really? Thanks!"

Xander: "We know underground. That's a start."
Buffy: "Sure, in a town with fourteen million square miles of sewer."
Xander: "Plus a lot of natural cave formations and a gateway to Hell. Yeah, this does resemble square one."

"I think right now the best plan is to deck the halls with boughs of holly."

Gingerbread

Oz: "I haven't seen you all day. Where you been?"
Xander: "Not with me. No sir. Ask anyone. No."

Buffy: "Is Willow around?"
Xander: "How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I'm here, she's here, that I somehow mysteriously know where she is."
Buffy: "Those her books?"
Xander: "Yeah, she's in the bathroom."

Xander: "I'm getting sick of the judgement. The innuendoes. Is a man not innocent until proven guilty?"
Buffy: "You are guilty. You got illicit smoochies, gonna have to pay the price."
Xander: "But I'm talking about the future guilt. Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze... that pointed silence."
Buffy: "'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox."
Xander: "No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal nonverbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes."

"Oh, man, it's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker."

Willow: "I have stuff in my locker. Henbane, hellebore, mandrake root."
Xander: "Excuse me. Playboys. Can we turn the sympathy this way?"

Giles: "'Session interrupted'? Who said you could interrupt, you stupid, useless fad! No, I said fad, and I'll say it again."
Xander: "At that point, I will become frightened."
Oz: "Take heart, we found your books."
Xander: "You can put the heart back. We can't get them."

"'Frisky Watchers Chat Room.' Why, Giles!"

Buffy: "We need to get some information."
Giles: "Yeah, well somebody else do it, this thing's locked me out."
Xander: "Well, if you wouldn't yell at it..."

Xander: "Wait, Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?"
Giles: "Of course. It makes perfect sense."
Buffy: "Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place."

"I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow for some beans. No one else is seeing the funny here."

Buffy: "What happened?"
Michael: "I was attacked."
Xander: "Officially not funny."

Xander: "What's with the grim? We're here to join you guys. No, really, why should you guys have all the fun? We want to be part of the hate."
Oz: "Just so we're clear, you guys know you're nuts, right?"

Helpless

"An ice show. A show performed on ice. And how old are we again?"

Xander: "Some of us still love to relish celebrating the birth of the Buff."
Buffy: "I don't know. I think it might be time to put a moratorium on parties in my honor. They tend to go badly. Monsters crash, people die."
Willow: "But it's a big one, Buffy. I mean, you can vote now. You can be drafted. You can vote not to be drafted."

Xander: "You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse, and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um, Slayer kryptonite."
Oz: "Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills."
Xander: "You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers."
Oz: "Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird..."
Buffy: "Guys. Reality."

Buffy: "Just feel better when I get my strength back."
Xander: "Give you a hand with that, little lady?"
Buffy: "You're loving this far too much."
Xander: "Admit it, sometimes you just need a big, strong man. Uh, Will, give me a hand with that?"

The Zeppo

Willow: "Are you okay?"
Xander: "Tip-top, really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it."

Xander: "Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?"
Faith: "Yeah, that was real manly how you shrieked and all."
Xander: "I think you'll find that was more of a bellow."

Xander: "But gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter."
Giles: "Hmm?"
Xander: "Jimmy Olsen jokes are pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?"
Giles: "Sorry."
Jack O'Toole: "What are you, retarded?"
Xander: "No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything."

Xander: "Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?"
Cordelia: "Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there." Xander: "Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?"

Xander: "You're in a band. That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complimentary mojo after take-off. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?"
Oz: "Not the way I play it."
Xander: "Okay, but on the other hand... Eighth grade, I'm taking the flugelhorn and getting zero trim, so the whole instrument thing could be a mislead."

Xander: "What do I have?"
Oz: "An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special."
Xander: "Now with the mocking."

Buffy: "What is this?"
Xander: "What do you mean, what is this? It's my thing."
Willow: "Your thing?"
Xander: "My thing."
Buffy: "Is this a penis metaphor?"

Buffy: "It's nice."
Xander: "Could you sound a little less enthused?"
Buffy: "Sorry."
Willow: "Evil."
Xander: "Big?"
Buffy: "Biggest."

Cordelia: "Ooh, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to trust you with this daredevil mission."
Xander: "Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds."
Cordelia: "Oh, again I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean."

Girl: "How does she handle?"
Xander: "Like a dream about warm sticky things."

"Angel! Buddy! Friend-buddy. You want to sit and talk?"

"You know, it's not like I haven't helped before. I've done some quality violence for these people."

Xander: "I'm really sorry about that, but your car came out of nowhere."
Jack O'Toole: "I was parked."

Jack O'Toole: "Where do you want it?"
Xander: "I'm fairly certain I don't want it at all. But, uh, thank you."
Girl: "Wow. Cool knife."
Xander: "Yeah, great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword."
Jack O'Toole: "She's called Katie."
Xander: "You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you."

Jack O'Toole: "Are you scared?"
Xander: "Would that make you happy?"

Jack O'Toole: "Don't you feel pathetic?"
Xander: "Mostly, I feel Katie."
Jack O'Toole: "You know what the difference between you and me is?"
Xander: "Again, Katie's springing to mind."

Girl: "I want to go for a ride. I'm bored."
Xander: "Oh, gee, I'm really sorry my life-and-death situation isn't exciting enough for you."

Jack O'Toole: "I like you."
Xander: "Yay?"

"this time of night, I'm pretty sure nothing's open. But they're always open for crime. Okay, now I'm involved in crime. I'm the criminal element. Having a car sure is cool."

Corpse #2: "You want to be part of the gang, now don't you?"
Xander: "Yes. Yes, but I'm not dying to be in the gang, if you get the pun there."
Bob: "What, are you too good to be dead? You got a problem with dead people?"

Faith: "A fight like that and no kill. I'm about ready to pop."
Xander: "Really? Pop?"
Faith: "you up for it?"
Xander: "Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before."
Faith: "Just relax... and take off your pants."
Xander: "Those two concepts are antithetical."
Faith: "Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves."

"Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already dead guys with bombs."

"Okay, I can work this out. I just got to figure out what they'd be likely to bomb."

Xander: "All right. I'm going to ask you this once, and you better pray you get the answer right."
Corpse #3: "Okay, okay."
Xander: "How do I defuse... (Corpse's head knocked off) Aahh! I probably should have left out that whole middle part."

"Where's a Slayer when you need one?"

"Should have learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later... I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk."

"Okay, boiler room. (monster head crashes through wall) Other way."

Xander: "Hello nasty. Less than two minutes. Dumb guy, little bomb. How hard can it be?"
Jack O'Toole: "It just got harder."
Xander: "I'm not leaving until that thing's disarmed."
Jack O'Toole: "I guess you're not leaving."

Jack O'Toole: "First the eyes, then the tongue. I'll break every one of your fingers."
Xander: "You gonna do all that in 49 seconds?"

Jack O'Toole: "I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead."
Xander: "Yeah, but this is different. Being blowed up isn't walking around and drinking with your buddies dead. It's little bits being swept up by a janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that."

Bad Girls

Xander: "Is anyone else intimidated? Because I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words "no way" written in crayon."
Oz: "They're typing those now."

Willow: "Rejection I can handle 'cause of the years of training, but this..."
Xander: "I feel your pain, Will. Like right now, I'm torn between the fast-growing fields of appliance repair and motel management. Of course, I'm still waiting to hear back from the corndog emporium, so..."

Consequences

Buffy: "You mean, like that intervention thing you guys did on me? As I recall, Xander and I nearly came to blows."
Xander: "You nearly came to blows, Buffy. I nearly came to loss of limbs."

"Well, I can be the one... on her one. Let's rephrase."

Buffy: "When did you guys hang out?"
Xander: "Well, she was fighting one of those apocalypse demon things and I helped her. Gave her a ride home."
Buffy: "And you guys talked?"
Xander: "Not extensively, no."
Buffy: "Then why would you...? Oh."
Giles: "Oh!"
Willow: "I don't need to say "oh", I got it before. They slept together."
Giles: "Fine, fine, let's move on."

Xander: "Pretty much not gonna try to take you under any circumstances. See, here, feel that. Probably like a wet noodle to ya, huh?"
Faith: "Five minutes."
Xander: "That's all I need. For talking and conversation. I'm, uh, quick as a bunny."

Doppelgangland

Willow: "No, it's fine, I'm Old Reliable."
Xander: "She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals."
Willow: "That's Old Faithful."
Xander: "Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot...?"
Willow: "That's Old Yeller."
Buffy: "Xander, I beg you not to help me."

Willow: "Maybe I'm not just some doormat person. Homework gal."
Xander: "I'm thinking nerve strike."

Vampire Willow: "Bored now." (whap) (thud) "I'm having a terrible night. Want to make it better?"
Xander: "What's going on? Is there a funny thing?"

Vampire Willow: "Xander..."
Xander: "Will. Changing the look. Not an idle threat with you."
Vampire Willow: "You're alive."
Xander: "Will, this is verging on naughty touching, here. Don't want to fall back on bad habits. Hands! Hands in new places."
Vampire Willow: "You're alive."
Xander: "You mentioned that... before."

Xander: "This isn't real."
Buffy: "I can't feel anything. Arms, legs, anything."
Giles: "She was truly the finest of all of us."
Xander: "Way better than me."
Giles: "Much. much better."

Giles: "Well, uh, something... something very strange is happening."
Xander: "Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?"

Buffy: "It was exactly you, Will. Every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know."
Willow: "Oh, right, me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night."
Xander: "Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?"
Buffy: "Oh, yeah."
Giles: (raises glasses)

Angel: "Buffy, I... something's happened that... Willow's dead. Hey, Willow. Wait a second."
Xander: "We're right there with you, buddy."

Buffy: "Should we call Faith?"
Giles: "No, I don't want her in combat yet, not around civilians."
Xander: "Hear, hear."

Xander: "So we charge in, much in the style of John Wayne?"
Giles: "High casualty risk."

Xander: "What is the signal?"
Willow: "Me screaming."

"So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me? Oh, yeah. I'm bad."

Buffy: "Well, we have a winner."
Xander: "And more importantly, two losers."

"Are there any engravings I should know about? Frolicking nymphs of some kind?"

Cordelia: "I have something important to ask you."
Xander: "Important? Let's start calculating those odds, people."

Cordelia: "I study best in a good restaurant... around eightish? Think it over?"
Xander: "And on the day the words 'flimsy excuse' were redefined, we stood in awe and watched."

Xander: "Found your demon."
Buffy: "Fashion tip, Wes, mouth looks better closed."

Buffy: "You beat up Willy?"
Xander: "Sure. Well, actually, let's just say I applied some pressure, or more accurately, that I asked politely, and then-- Okay, I bribed him."
Buffy: "How much?"
Xander: "Twenty-eight bucks. Does the Council reimburse for that kind of stuff?"
Giles: "Did you get a receipt?"
Xander: "Damn!"

"Is it me, or did it just get really cold in here?"

"Way to focus, CC."

Xander: "And I think five's a crowd."
Cordelia: "It really is."

"'I love when you talk, Wesley. I love when you sing, Wesley.' Can you say the words 'jail bait,' Wesley? Limey bastard."

"I, uh, hate to spoil the mood, but this is so much worse than you think."

"You know how some people hate to say 'I told you so'? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back, in the really bad sense. And, um, I told you so."

Wesley: "Xander, this is terribly serious. Are you sure?"
Xander: "Gee, let me think... kinda' hard to tell. Last thing I remember is his fist."

Wesley: "We must contact Giles immediately."
Xander: "Good thinkin'. Let's waste time with a lively debate. Leave Buffy alone, see how dead she gets."

"I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a 'good' way. It's a 'good' bruise."

Earshot

Buffy: "What do you know?"
Xander: "What DON'T we know. Tell her, Giles."

Giles: "...I've cross-referenced..."
Xander: "He's a cross-referencing fool."

Willow: "According to Freddy's latest editorial, 'The pep rally is a place for pseudo-prostitutes to provoke men into a sexual frenzy, which, when thwarted, results in pointless athletic competition.'"
Xander: "And the down-side being?"

Xander: "Oh my god, he's looking at her! He's got his filthy, adult, Pierce-Brosnony eyes all over my Cordy."
Oz: "You're a very complex man, aren't you?"

Oz: "It was intense."
Xander: "Yeah, for a minute there, I thought you were going to make an expression."
Oz: "Well, I felt one coming on, I won't lie."

Xander: "What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help! 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me!"
Buffy: "God, Xander, is that all you think about?"
Xander: "Actually? 'Bye!"

Oz: "Are you sure they meant it?"
Xander: "Yeah, I mean, who hasn't just idly thought about taking out the whole place with a semi-automatic? (pause) I said idly!"

Xander: "I'm still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just going to gun everybody down for no reason."
Cordelia: "Yeah, because THAT never happens in American high schools."
Oz: "It's bordering on trendy at this point."

Xander: "You have no shame."
Cordelia: "Oh, please. Like shame is something to be proud of?"

"Okay, so turn-offs include smoking, insensitive men, and Birkenstocks."

Xander: "Today's editorial -- titled, 'Big game draws mindless, brain-dead mob.'"
Cordelia: "Does he mention the cheerleaders? Because we were ON."

"Can you hear thoughts? (Buffy shakes her head) Just when I wasn't thinking about sex!"

"Ooh, jello!"

Choices

Xander: "Kerouac. He's my teacher. The open road, my school."
Buffy: "Making the open dumpster your cafeteria?"
Xander: "Go ahead, mock me."
Oz: "I think she just did."
Xander: "We bohemian, anti-establishment types have always been persecuted."
Oz: "Well, sure, you're all so weird."
Willow: "I think it's neat, you doing the back-pack, trail mix, happy wanderer thing."
Xander: "I'm aware it scores kinda high on the hokey-meter, but I think it'll be good for me, help me to find myself."
Cordelia: "And help us to lose you. Everyone's a winner."
Xander: "Well, look who just popped open a fresh can of venom. Hey, did you hear about Willow getting into Oxnard?"
Willow: "Oxford."
Xander: "And M.I.T., and Yale, and every other college on the face of the planet? As in your face, I rub it."
Cordelia: "Oxford. Whoopee. Four years in teabag central. Sounds thrilling. And M.I.T. is a clearasil ad with housing, and Yale is a dumping ground for those who didn't get into Harvard."
Willow: "I got into Harvard."

Xander: "I can't help it. It's my nature."
Willow: "Maybe you need a better nature."

"I know, I'm ingredient-gettin' guy."

Willow: "Hey, I eat danger for breakfast."
Xander: "But, oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods."

Xander: "Ten minutes with you, and the admissions department decided that they'd already reached their mean-spirited, superficial princess quota."
Cordelia: "And once again, the gold medal in the being wrong event goes to Xander "I'm as stupid as I look" Harris."

Oz: "Well, we better be sure. Destroying this box is supposed to be a pretty delicate operation."
Xander: "Then they shouldn't leave it in the hands of the lay people."

Oz: "See, there's you, there's me."
Xander: "Well, how can you tell which is which? I mean, they both kind of look stick-figurey to me."
Oz: "Well, this one's me. See the little guitar?"

"I need a volunteer to hit Wesley."

Oz: "Whole place is locked down, except for the front."
Xander: "Yeah, it gives me that comforting "trapped" feeling."

The Prom

Xander: "So, now, how did that work? Women would wish horrible things on their ex-boyfriends, you'd show up and make it happen."
Anya: "That's right. The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful."
Xander: "Well, hey, good luck with that. Hope it works for you."
Anya: "You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."
Xander: "Then why are you talking to me?"
Anya: "I don't have a date for the prom."

Anya: "Men are evil. Will you go with me?"
Xander: "One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which."

Anya: "Now I have all these "feelings". I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance, and I want someone to go with me."
Xander: "Be still my heart. Oh, wait, it is."

Anya: "Look I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts."
Xander: "Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open."

Oz: "Anya, huh? Interesting choice."
Xander: "Choice is kind of a broad term for my situation. See, it's either Anya, or the sock puppet of love for this boy."
Willow: "Well, if Anya tries to get you killed, put me down for a big 'I told you so.'"

Cordelia: "I'm considering things a little more carefully nowadays. I don't want to get stuck with another dud."
Xander: "Well, this should work for you. It positively screams nympho."
Sales Girl: "Is this a customer or a friend?"
Xander: "Neither. Just stopped by for my daily helping of bile."

Cordelia: "The other part that totally weirded me out, that thing had good taste. He chucked Xander and went right for the formalwear."
Xander: "That's right. He left behind his copy of Monster's Wear Daily."

Oz: "Hey, pause it."
Xander: "Guys, it's just a normal VCR, it doesn't... Oh, wait. It can do pause."

"Well, I just wanted to say that your impersonation of an inanimate object is really coming along."

Buffy: "I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal evening, if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it."
Xander: "Yay?"

Xander: "What's the mission?"
Buffy: "See if anyone's been in buying supplies to raise a hell hound."
Xander: "Gotcha. Or check and see who's been stocking up on hell hound snausages. I hear those pups do anything for a tasty treat."

"Cordelia. Wesley. My god in heaven, it's good to see you. How are you both? And details, please."

Xander: "It looks good on you."
Cordelia: "Well, duh!"

Graduation Day, Part 1

Cordelia: "I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me. Lone fashionable wolf."
Xander: "I like the maroon. It has more dignity."
Cordelia: "Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion."
Xander: "I just want to look respectable in this... considering I'm probably gonna die in it."
Cordelia: "Excuse me?"
Xander: "I'm telling you, I woke up the other day with this feeling in my gut. I just know. There is no way I'm getting out of this school alive."
Cordelia: "Well, you've really mastered the power of positive giving up." Xander: "I've been lucky too many times. My number's coming up. And I was short. One more rotation and I'm shipping stateside. You know what I mean?"
Cordelia: "Seldom, if ever."

Xander: "Guess who our commencement speaker is?"
Willow: "Siegfried?"
Xander: "No."
Willow: "Roy?"
Xander: "No."
Willow: "One of the tigers?"
Xander: "Come out of the fantasy, Will."

Xander: "Lends credence to my whole 'I'm gonna die' theorem, doesn't it?"

Teacher: Mr. Harris, would you care to begin?"
Xander: "Um... E?"
Teacher: No, there's no 'E'. They always go for the 'E'."

Anya: "So, I was wondering, maybe if you're free this weekend, maybe we could do some... entertaining thing."
Xander: "Would that be along the lines of you telling me about all the men you destroyed back in your demon days? 'Cause, pencil me in."

Anya: "We could watch sports of some kind."
Xander: "Uh, I don't know."
Anya: "Men like sports. I'm sure of it."
Xander: "Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie. They eat of the beef and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?"

Cordelia: "What's her saga?"
Xander: "She's freaking."
Cordelia: "About what?"
Xander: "The mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation."
Cordelia: "Oh. Are you gonna go to 5th period?"

Anya: "When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit."
Xander: "Welcome to the world of romance."
Anya: "It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work."
Xander: "Well, I'm sorry I gave you barfy feelings."

Xander: "I got friends on the line."
Anya: "So?"
Xander: "That humanity thing's still a work in progress, isn't it?"

Anya: "Fine. You know what? I hope you die. Aren't we gonna kiss?"

Xander: "I just don't want to lose you."
Buffy: "I won't get hurt."
Xander: "That's not what I mean."

Xander: "Boy, it's a good thing no one ever wanted to check any of these books out, huh?"
Giles: "Yes, very convenient."
Xander: "Come on, Olvikan. Hey... We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Graduation Day, Part 2

Xander: "Here's your coffee, brewed from the finest Columbian lighter fluid."
Giles: "Thank you. Horrible."
Xander: "Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?"
Giles: "Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense."
Xander: "OK. But you're destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here."

Giles: "Look through the Kepler volumes. Any reference to the demon Olvikan: powers, weaknesses, hat size. There has to be something."
Xander: "Still batting zero? But I mean, uh, in cricket?"

Cordelia: "I demand an explanation."
Xander: "For what?"
Cordelia: "Wesley."
Xander: "Uh... inbreeding?"
Cordelia: "So very funny. Any minute, I'm sure to laugh."

"Well, it's just good to know that when the chips are down and things look grim, you'll feed on the girl who loves you to save your own ass."

"Gosh, I'm really gonna miss him when he leaves town."

Cordelia: "My point is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, she's Buffy and she's Slay Gal. Little Miss Likes to Fight. So . . ."
Xander: "I think there was a Yay vote buried in there somewhere."

"Key? Me? Okay, pride . . . humility . . . and here's the mind-numbing fear. What do I have to do?"

"Ooo! Rocket launcher?!"

Xander: "I'm starting to lean towards the Hummus Offensive."
Oz: "They'll never see it coming."

Buffy: "You and Xander are going to have to work together now. Can you guys handle that?"
Xander: "I'm still Key Guy, right?"
Buffy: "Right."
Xander: "Great. Then Angel, in his non-Key Guy capacity, can work with me."
Angel: "What fun."
Xander: "Hey, Key Guy's still talking."
Buffy: "Oh that's good. Start bickering. That's gonna work great for us. You guys are like little old ladies."

Xander: "Harmony, listen, I need to talk to you for a sec."
Harmony: "You mean in front of other people?"

Oz: "Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived. Buffy: "It was a hell of a battle."
Oz: "Not the battle. High School. We're taking a moment. And we're done."
Xander: "Well! School's done. That is so cool!"
Willow: "Why do demons even come here? I mean, don't they know how bad we are?"