Xander: "Oh, okay, I got one. 'It's a mad house! A mad--'"
Willow: "Planet of the Apes!"
Xander: "Can I finish, please?"
Willow: "Oh, sorry, go ahead."
Xander: "'...house!'"

Willow: "'Use the force, Luke.'"
Xander: "Do I even have to dignify that with a guess?"

Xander: "Well, what else do you want to do? We already played Rock/Paper/Scissors. My hand's cramped up."
Willow: "Well, yes, if you're always scissors, of course your tendons are gonna' get strained."

Willow: "Xander!"(Licks ice cream off her nose)
Xander: "Sorry, I can't help myself. Your nose looks so tasty."

(to a vampire)"Man, your timing really doesn't suck, huh?"

Xander: "Yo, G-Man! What's up?"
Giles: "Nice to see you, and don't ever call me that."

Giles: "The mystical energy that emanates from it is still concentrated in this area."
Xander: "Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town."

Giles: "Yes. I must consult my books."
Xander: "Oh, 8 minutes and 33 seconds, pay up. I called 10 minutes before you'd consult your books about something. Thank you."

(to Buffy): "Oh, come on, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends. The friends of your bosom."
Willow: "Xander."

Willow: "Angel stopped by? Wow! Was there...well, I mean...was it having to do with kissing?"
Buffy: "Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing."
Xander: "Yeah. Some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping?"

Cordelia: "Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?"
Willow: "Uh, yes, our own personal demons."
Xander: "Uh, such as--as--as lust and, um, thrift."

Buffy: "Let's dance."
Xander: "Ohhhhh-kay."

Willow: "Why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H?"
Giles: "Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out."
Xander: "A bitca?"

Willow: "What would somebody want with Master bones?"
Xander: "A trophy? Um, a horrible conversation piece?"

Buffy (reading a note): "'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her our meal.'"
Xander: "They're gonna' cook her dinner? Oh, pretend I didn't say that."

Willow: "I still think we should have gone with her."
Xander: "If Buffy's about to lose it, I think we should be trying to reach minimum safe distance."

"If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you."

Giles: "Where's Buffy?"
Xander: "She's working out her issues."

"Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but gosh, we did that last night."

Xander: "Hey, I got a plan! How 'bout miniature golf?"
Willow: "There's no course here."
Xander: "Okay...miniature tennis."

Buffy: "Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood."
Xander: "Well, it actually kind of turns me on."
Buffy: "I fear you."

Willow: "It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game."
Buffy: "You know what this means?"
Xander: "That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?"

Xander: "So we dig up some graves tonight?"
Willow: "Oh boy, a field trip."

Xander: "So we're set, then. Say, nine-ish? B.Y.O. Shovel."
Willow: "And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered donuts?"
Xander: "Me."
Willow: "Cordelia?"
Cordelia: "Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew you were gonna' be digging up dead people sooner. I would've cancelled."
Xander: "All right, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?"
Cordelia: "Oh!"
Giles: "Xander?"
Xander: "Huh?"
Giles: "Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living."
Xander: "Ha. Yeah, I know that, but did you see the look on her face?"

Willow: "By the way, are we hoping to find a body or no body?"
Xander: "Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons."

Angel: "Cordelia told me the truth."
Xander: "Ha ha! That's gotta' be a first."

Cordelia: "Why are there terrible things always happening to me?"
Xander: "Karma!"

Giles: "What student here is going to be that well-versed in physiology?"
Willow: "Well, I can think of five or six guys in the science club. And me."
Xander: "So, Will, come clean. Promise never to do it again, and we'll call it a night."
Buffy, Angel & Cordelia: "..."
Xander: "He joked."

Cordelia: "I have to go home now. I have to take a bath and burn my clothes."
Xander: "You have to go? Aw, too bad. Keep in touch. Buh-bye!"

(on Angel):"How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire."

Buffy: "I don't get it. Why would anybody want to make a girl?"
Xander: "You mean when there's so many premade ones just laying around? The things we do for love."

"People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive."

Xander: "And speaking of love..."
Willow: "We were talking about the reanimation of dead tissue."
Xander: "Do I deconstruct your segues?"

"For the love of God, can somebody scratch my nose?"

Buffy: "What if that poor girl is walking around"
Xander: "Poor girls, technically."

Willow: "Eric's was a bust. Nothing there."
Xander: "Yeah, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a pornography collection so prodigious, it even scared me."

Xander: "Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. The vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world's a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped, and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?"
Willow: "All the time."
Cordelia: "Xander, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there's anything I could ever do--"
Xander: "Do you mind? We're talking here. So, where were we?"
Willow: "Wondering why we never get dates."
Xander: "Yeah, so why do you think that is?"

Xander: "Well, Sheila's definitely intense. That guy with her -- that's the guy she can bring home to mother."
Willow: "She was already smoking in the fifth grade. Once, I was look-out for her."
Xander: "You're bad to the bone."

"Yeah, I'll whittle stakes."

"And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune."

Xander: "So this Night of St. Vigeous deal, if they're gonna' attack in force, aren't we thinking vacation?"
Willow: "We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide? I mean, if that Spike guy is leading the attack...yeee!"

Angel: "Once he starts something, he doesn't stop, until everything in his path is dead."
Xander: "Hmm, so he's thorough, goal-oriented."

(on Angel): "Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy."

Xander: "Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?"
Cordelia: "You sure don't."

"I'm not going anywhere until I know that Buffy and Willow are all right."

Angel: "I had to see if he was buying it or not."
Xander: "And if he bit me, what then?"
Angel: "We would have known he bought it."
Xander: "What's the deal with you being his sire? What's a sire?"

Buffy: "Haver you ever done an exchange program?"
Xander: "My dad tried to send me to some Armenians once. Does that count?"

Xander: "Hold on a sec. So this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man, with man parts? This is a terrible idea."
Willow: "What about the 'beautiful melding of two cultures'?"
Xander: "There's no 'melding', okay? He better keep his parts to himself."

Willow: "You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years."
Xander: "Yeah, I'm irrational that way."

Buffy: "I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?"
Xander: "The important thing is: you believe that."

"Typical museum trick: promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans."

Willow: "I hope this story ends with, 'And she lived happily ever after.'"
Xander: "No, I think it ends with, 'And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.'"

Xander: "So, Buffy, when's Exchange-O Boy making his appearance?"
Buffy: "His name's Ampata. I'm meeting him at the bus station tomorrow night."
Xander: "Ooh, Sunnydale Bus Depot. Classy. What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with a stench of urine."

Giles: "Your secret identity is gonna' be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you."
Xander: "Not...'with' her. In the same house as her. Now am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction?"

Buffy: "Ahh, and we enter Dateville: romance, flowers."
Xander: "Lips."
Buffy: "Oh, come on. In all the years you've known Willow, you've never thought about her lips?"
Xander: "Buffy, I love Willow, and she's my best friend, which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much. She's the kind of girl that I'm best friends with."

Xander: "Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy."
Willow: "Right, and it rose from its tomb."
Buffy: "And attacked him..."
Willow: "..."
Xander: "..."

"Okay, I just saved us, right?"

"Uh, Buffy! Where are your priorities? Tracking down a mummifying killer or making time for some latin lover whose stock in trade is the breakage of hearts?"

Buffy: "Hey, you know, maybe he could translate the seal."
Xander: "Oh, yeah. Fall for the old let-me-translate-that-ancient-seal-for-you come-on. Do you know how many times I've used that?"

"So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides 'Doritos' and 'chihuahua'."

"Aye carumba. I can also say that."

Xander: "Your English is very bueno."
Ampata: "I listen much."
Xander: "Well, that works out well because I talk much."

Willow: "Well, it's a celebration of cultures. There are lots of dress-up alternatives."
Xander: "And a corresponding equal number of mocking alternatives, all aimed at me."
Willow: "Bavarians are cool."
Xander: "Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers, and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat."
Willow: "Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? That came out wrong."

Xander: "And this...is called a snack food."
Ampata: "Snack food?"
Xander: "Yeah. It's a delicious, spongy, golden cake stuffed with a delightful, creamy white substance of goodness."

Xander: "And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy food feeling in your stomach."

Ampata: "You are strange."
Xander: "Girls always tell me that, right before they run away."
Ampata: "I like it."
Xander: "I like you like it. Please, don't learn from my English."

Xander: "We're not an archeology club. We're in a--"
Giles: "Ahem!"
Buffy: "..."
Xander: "We're in the crime club, which is kind of like the chess club, only with crime, and, um...no chess."

Xander: "Okay, I have something to tell you, and it's kind of a secret, and it's, um...a little bit scary. I like you...a lot...and I want you to go with me to the dance."
Ampata: "Why was that so scary?"
Xander: "Well, because you never know if a girl's going to say yes or if she's going to laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel."

Ampata: "Can I tell you a secret?"
Xander: "Yeah."
Ampata: "I like you, too."
Xander: "Really?!"
Ampata: "Really."
Xander: "That's great! Really?!"
Ampata: "Really!"
Xander: "That's great! You're not a preying mantis, are you?"
Ampata: "..."
Xander: "Sorry. Someone else."

Buffy: "And, uh, what culture are you?"
Xander: "I'm from the country of Leone. It's in Italy, pretending to be Montana. And where are you from, the country of white trash?"

Ampata: "Hello, Xander."
Xander: "Oh, ye--I, uh..."
Buffy: "I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful."
Xander: "Pyah su."
Buffy: "You're welcome."

"Okay, at least I can rule out something I said."

Xander: "Have you seen Ampata?"
Willow:
Xander: "What was that?"
Willow: "I shrugged."
Xander: "Next time, you should probably say, 'shrug'."
Willow: "Sigh."

Ampata: "I do not deserve you."
Xander: "Wh...you think that you don't deserve me? Ha ha ha ha ha! Man, I love you!"

"Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion?"

Xander: "Hey, I know why you can't tell me. It's a secret, right? And if you told me, you'd have to kill me."
Ampata:
Xander: "Oh...that was a...bad joke. The delivery was off, too. I'm sorry."

"Boy, that was some kiss!"

Xander: "I just -- present company excluded -- I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world...ever."
Buffy: "Ampata wasn't evil. At least, not to begin with. And...I do think she cared about you."
Xander: "Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would've been a strain on the relationship."

Xander: "Is she dying?"
Buffy: "I think she's singing."
Xander: "To a telephone in Hindi. Now that's entertainment."

Xander: "Hmm, and we thought just because we didn't have any money or any place to go, this'd be a lackluster evening."
Willow: "I know! We could go to the Bronze, and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water."
Xander: "Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail."

Xander: "Boy, what a long day."
Willow: "And you skipped three classes."
Xander: "Yeah, and of course, those flew by."

"Okay, so tonight, channel 59, Indian TV, sex, lies, and incomprehensible story lines? I'll bring the betel nuts."

Tom: "And I just feel like a complete dolt meeting you this way, so...here I stand in all my doltishness."
Xander: "Right. Like she's gonna' fall for that."

"She's gonna' walk away. Now."

"Okay, boots, start a walkin'!"

Xander: "I hate these guys. Whatever they want just falls into their laps. Don't you have these guys?"
Willow: "Yeah, with their charmed lives, and their movie-star good looks, and more money than you can count...I'm hating."

Buffy: "Angel barely says two words to me."
Xander: "Bummer."
Buffy: "And when he does, he treats me like a child."
Xander: "That bastard."
Buffy: "You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation."
Xander: "Yeah! Tom? Who's To m?"
Willow: "The frat guy."
Xande r: "Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm saying!"

Buffy: "Well, say it."
Xander: "I'm not gonna' say it."
Willow: "You lied to Giles."
Xander: "She will."
Buffy: "Look, I wasn't lying. I was just protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to digest properly."
Xander: "Like a corn dog."
Willow: "Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's going to be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy."
Xander: "Whoa, whoa. Rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?"

"So, Cor, are you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or are you just going with a halter top tonight?"

Willow: "I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew."
Xander: "Buffy's lying...Buffy's going to frat parties...that's not askew, that's cockeyed."
Willow: "Askew means cockeyed."
Xander: "Oh."

Xander: "I'm going to the party."
Willow: "What?"
Xander: "I gotta' keep an eye on Buffy. Those frat guys creep me."
Willow: "You wanna' protect her?"
Xander: "Mm-hmm."
Willow: "And prove that you're just as good as those rich snotty guys?"
Xander: "Mm-hmm."
Willow: "Maybe catch an orgy?"
Xander: "If it's on early."

"One day I'll have money, prestige, power...and on that day they'll still have more."

"Okay, that is the guy you wanna' party with."

"Starve a snake, lose a fortune. Boy, I guess the rich really are different, huh?"

"Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? Hey, man, how ya' doin'?"

Angel: "Buffy."
Buffy: "Angel."
Xander: "Xander."

Halloween

Xander: "Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-high little runts for the night."
Buffy: "Yikes, I'll stick to vampires."

Xander: "Halloween quiet? Wow, I figured it would be a big old vamp scare-a-palooza."
Buffy: "Not according to Giles. He swears that tomorrow night is like dead for the undead. They stay in."
Xander: "Those wacky vampires, that's why I love 'em. They just keep ya' guessing!"

Xander: "Hey, Lar, you're lookin' cro-mag as usual. What can I do you for?"
Larry: "You and Buffy. Just friends, right?"
Xander: "I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss."
Larry: "So, she's not your girlfriend?"
Xander: "Alas, no."

Larry: "I heard some guys say she was fast."
Xander: "I hope you mean like the wind."

Larry: "What are you gonna' do about it?"
Xander: "I'm gonna' do what any man would do about it. Something damn manly."

"A black eye heals, Buffy, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life."

"I got fatigues from a army surplus at home. Call me a two-dollar costume king, baby."

Buffy: "Hey look, Xander, I'm...really sorry about this morning."
Xander: "Do you mind, Buffy? I'm trying to repress."

"Okay, actually, you know, I think I could've...Hello? That was our touching reconciliation moment there."

"Too bulky. I prefer my women in spandex."

"Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex."

"Hey, Will! That's...a...fine boo you got there."

"Okay, on sleazing extra candy, tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double bagger. You can also try the old 'You missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood? Okay, troops, let's move out."

"Big noise scare monster, remember?"

"Ma'am, in the Army, we have a saying: 'Sit down and shut the--whoa!"

Xander: "She must be right. We must have some kind of amnesia."
Buffy: "I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often."

Xander: "It was way creepy. It's like I was there, but I couldn't get out."
Cordelia: "Yeah, I know the feeling, this outfit's totally skin-tight."

Cordelia: "Hello? It felt like I was talking, my lips were moving, and--"
Xander: "Give it up, Cordy, you're never gonna' get between those two. Believe me, I know."

Lie To Me

Xander: "Who's 'friendly'?"
Buffy: "No one."
Willow: "Angel and a girl."
Buffy: "Willow, do we have to be in total share mode?"
Xander: "Hey, it's me. If Angel's doing something wrong, I wanna' know...'cause it gives me a happy."
Buffy: "Hmm, I'm glad someone has a happy."

Xander: "Aww, you just need cheering up, and I know just the thing: crazed dance party at the Bronze!"
Buffy: "Oh no."
Xander: "Very calm dance party at the Bronze?"
Buffy: "..."
Xander: "Moping at the Bronze."

Buffy: "Hey, are you busy tonight? We're going to the Bronze. It's the local club and you have to come."
Ford: "I'd love to, but if you guys already had plans, would I be imposing?"
Xander: "Only in the literal sense."

Xander: "This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends. Jeez, doesn't she know any fat guys?"
Willow: "Oh, that's what that song is about?"

Ford: "You can't touch me, Summers. I know all your darkest secrets."
Xander: "Care to make a small wager on that?"

Willow: "That's Angel."
Xander: "He's Buffy beau, her special friend."
Ford: "He's not in school, right? He looks older than her."
Xander: "You're not wrong."

Buffy: "This is Ford. We went to school together in LA."
Angel: "Nice to meet you."
Ford: "Whoa, cold hands."
Xander: "You're not wrong."

Xander: "Okay, once more with tension."
Angel: "He just moved here?"
Xander: "Yeah, and boy does he move fast."
Willow: "Well, Angel, we could still play...See, you made him do that thing where's he's gone!"

Xander: "Yeah, I'm gonna' have to go with Dead Boy on this one."
Angel: "Would you not call me that?"

Willow: "Boy, we blend right in."
Xander: "In no way do we stick out like sore thumbs."
Angel: "Let's look around. You guys check out downstairs."
Xander: "Sure thing, Bossy the Cow."
Willow: "Okay, but do they really stick out?"
Xander: "What?"
Willow: "Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!'?"
Xander: "You have too many thoughts."

Xander: "Are you probably noticing a theme here?"
Willow: "As in 'Vampires, yay!'?"
Xander: "That's the one."

Chanterelle: "We welcome anyone that's interested in the Lonely Ones."
Willow: "The lonely ones?"
Angel: "Vampires."
Xander: "Oh, we usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones."

"You really are a people person."

Xander: "Angel was in your bedroom?!"
Willow: "Ours is a forbidden love."

The Dark Age

Xander: "What're you two up to?"
Buffy: "Just having a quick game of Anywhere But Here."
Xander: "Oh. Amy Yip at the waterslide park."
Willow: "You never come up with anything new."
Xander: "I'm just not fickle like you two, okay? I'm constant in my affections. Amy Yip at the waterslide park."

Willow: "Do you think Giles ever played Anywhere But Here when he was in school?"
Xander: "Giles lived for school. He's actually still better that there were only twelve grades."

Buffy: "So, what's on tap tonight that's so important? Uprising, prophesied ritual, preordained death fest?"
Xander: "Ah, the old standards!"

Willow: "Feel the passion?"
Xander: "Mm-hmm."

Xander: "Those poor schlubs, have to attend school on Saturday."
Ms. Calendar: "Nine AM okay with you, Xander?"
Xander: "..."
Buffy: "Got a bit of schlub on your shoe there."
Xander: "Heheh."
Ms. Calendar: "Well, Cordelia's gonna' meet us."
Xander: "Ooh, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever."

Buffy: "Look at them."
Xander: "A twosome of cuteness."
Willow: "Can't you just imagine them getting together?"

Xander: "When are we gonna' need computers for real life, anyway?"
Ms. Calendar: "Hmm, let's see, there's homes, school, work, games."
Xander: "You know, computers are on the way out. I think paper's gonna' make a big comeback."
Willow: "And the abacus."
Xander: "Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci."

Ms. Calendar: "Buffy."
Xander: "Huh, did I fall asleep already?"
Willow: "Aw, you miss your friends!"
Xander: "Uh, sit here, Buffs! Demilitarize the zone between me and Cordelia."
Cordelia: "Yeah, and delouse him while you're at it."

"Is there some crisis that requires immediate action...very far from here?"

Xander: "Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flyin'. Were there whores?"
Buffy: "He was alone."
Xander: "Give it time."

Cordelia: "I didn't think it was important."
Xander: "We understand. It wasn't about you."

Willow: "I'm not gonna' get close enough to feel his pulse, but...he looks dead."
Xander: "Except for the walking and attacking Buffy part."

"Dead guy here interrupted our tutorial. Been meaning to thank you for that."

Buffy: "Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?"
Xander: "I'm feeling pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah."

"Okay, 'Giles' and 'orgies' in the same sentence. I coulda' lived without that one."

Willow: "Did you find anything?"
Xander: "The most meticulous banking and phone record you've ever seen...and, um, this!"
Willow: "That's Giles?!"

Cordelia: "I've got the solution right here. 'To kill a demon...cut off its head.'"
Xander: "Oh yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, we'll find Ms. Calendar, then we'll decapitate her. Hey, she'll be the first headless computer teacher in school, you think anybody'll notice?"
Cordelia: "Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain."
Xander: "That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on!"
Cordelia: "I've seen you fight, and don't think I can't take you!"
Xander: "Give it your best shot!"
Willow: "Hey!!! We don't have time for this, our friends are in trouble. Now we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it. And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!"
Cordelia: "We're sorry."
Xander: "We'll be good."

Willow: "Oh, I've got it! I've got it!!!"
Xander: "She's good."

Buffy: "Hey, maybe you should consider a career as a Watcher."
Willow: "Oh, no, I don't think I could handle the stress."
Xander: "And the dental plan is crap."