(to Jesse): "You're certainly a font of nothing."

(on his chat up technique): "We both go to school. Very suave, very not pathetic."

"Yesterday, my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz!" Today it's, "rain of toads."

"I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good."

"Ok, this is where I have a problem, see, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a talk with vampires in it."

"The dead rose! We should have at least had an assembly!"

Xander: "Ooh, stretchy! Where was I?"
Willow: "You were pretending that seeing scantily-clad girls in revealing postures was a spiritual experience."
Xander: "Who said I was pretending?"

"I laugh in the face of danger, and then I hide until it goes away."

"One of those girls hit me really hard. We should test for steroids."

"For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me."

"We're right behind you, only further back."

"It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to."

"Those who can do. Those who can't laugh at those who can do."

"This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but...where did they put his head?"
Willow: "Good point. I didn't want to hear that."

"Forgiveness is my middle name. Well actually, it's Lavelle."

"What kind of a girly name is 'Angel' anyway?

"Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day."

"Just for the record, you were right. I'm an idiot, and God bless you."

"Can I say just one thing?HELLLLLLLLLLLPPP!"

Giles:"The She-mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and lures innocent virgins back to her nest."
Buffy:"Well, Xander's not a . . . I mean, He's probably . . ."
Willow:"Going to die!"

"I'm feeling that you're not in the field trip spirit here."

"Oh, every school has them. You start a new school, you get your desks, your blackboards, and some mean kids."

"Why don't you pick on someone your own species?"

"I've been waiting for you to jump my bones."

"Come on, Slayer, I like it when you're scared. The more I scare you, the better you smell."

"Nobody messes with my Willow."

"Shoot me. Stuff me. Mount me."

(to Cordelia)"You know, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker."

"That Cordelia's a regular breath of vile air."

Xander (to Willow and Buffy): "What are you vixens up to?"
Willow: "Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by. Oh look, a cockroach."
Xander: "Let's stop this crazy whirligig of fun. I'm dizzy."

"Buffy, come on. Wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book."
Buffy: "What, saving my life, getting slashed in the ribs?"
Xander: "Duh!"

Xander: "I once drank an entire gallon of gatorade without taking a breath."
Willow: "It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor."

Willow: "Xander, you wanna' stay and help me?"
Xander: "You kidding?"
Willow: "Yes, it was a joke I made up."
Xander: "Willow, I love you, but bye!"

Xander: "Guess who."
Willow: "Uh, Xander?"
Xander: "Yeah, but keep guessing anyway."
Willow: "Xander?"
Xander: "Oh, I can't fool you. You see right through my petty charade."

Xander: "You're going to be missing out. I'm planning to be witty. I'm going to make fun of all of the people who won't talk to me."
Willow: "That's nice. Have a good time!"

Buffy: "This guy could be anybody. He could be weird or crazy or old or...he could be a circus freak--he's probably a circus freak!"
Xander: "Yeah, I mean we read about it all the time. You know, people meet on the net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show...horrible axe murder."
Buffy: "Willow, axe murdered by a circus freak!"

Xander:"What, I can't have information sometimes?"
Giles: "It's just somewhat unprecedented."

Miss Calendar: "You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?"
Buffy: "We're literary."

Xander: "It's great. It's your best hair ever."

Xander: "Hey, I got to hit someone!"

"I have my pride. Okay, so I don't have a *lot* of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this.

"What ever happened to corporal punishment?

Cordelia: "All I can think is, "It could have been me."
Xander: "We can dream. br>
"So the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter, and we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anyone else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?

Buffy: "This means whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: "In other words, I'm safe!

"Madness, and... madness, and stabbing pain..."

Cordelia: "Hello, dufus? You're in my light."
Xander: "Wendell, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe and the rest of us merely revolve around her?"
Cordelia: "Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light?"

Xander: "Oh, the spiders. Willow's been kind of, um...what's the word I'm looking for? Insane about what happened yesterday."
Willow: "I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you. For crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ew! How do they not ruffle you?"
Xander: "I'm sorry. I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face..."

Xander: "Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
Buffy: "A little blase there, aren't you?"
Xander: "I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!"
Buffy: "Thanks for having confidence in me."
Xander: "You da man, Buff."

Willow: "Okay, but we're still caring about the spiders here. Let's not forget the spiders."
Xander: "Did you find any theories on spiders crawling out of books? Big, hairy, crawly--it's funny of you're me."
Xander: "It's a dream. It's gotta' be a dream. (pinches himself) Ow! Wake up. (pinches himself again) Ow! Gotta' wake up. Aah!!!

Xander: "All right! Someone else's loss is my chocolatey goodness."

Xander: "You were a lousy clown! Your balloon animals were pathetic. Everyone can make a giraffe!"

Xander: "Well, you obviously haven't played kiddie league. I'm surprised it wasn't one of the parents."

Willow: "Personal question?"
Xander: "Yeah, shoot."
Willow: "When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?"
Xander: "Willow, how can you--I mean, that's really bent! She was...grotesque!"
Willow: "Still dug her, huh?"
Xander: "I'm sick. I need help."
Willow: "Don't I know it."

"Well, yeah, I would give anything to be able to turn invisible. Well, I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but I'd use my powers to protect the girls' locker room."

Willow: "How'd she git it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch."
Xander: "Hmm, Greek myths speak of cloaks and invisibility, but they're usually for the gods."
Buffy, Willow, and Giles: "..."
Xander: "Research Boy comes through with the knowledge!"

Xander: "Oh, hey, do you want to come to our place for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place."
Willow: "Xander, do you guys even have a stove?"

Cordelia: "This is all about me! Me, me, me!"
Xander: "Wow! For once, she's right."

"Can you say...gulp?"

Cordelia: "Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday, with the coronation and everything, but, um, I guess I just want to say thank you. All of you."
Xander: "That's funny, 'cause she looks like Cordelia."

Xander: "Would you, um, date me? Oh, that's good. 'Date me.' It's terrible, right?"
Willow: "Huh? Oh, no. Well, yes, 'date me' is silly."

Xander: "Willow, don't you have a thing?"
Willow: "A thing? The thing...that I have...which is a thing...that I have to go to. See you later!"
Buffy: "What on Earth is her deal?"
Xander: "Oh, she's Willow."

"You know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um, a mate. And then we can observe their mating rituals, and tag them before they migrate...just kill me!"

"We've fought some bloodsucking fiends, and that's all been a good time. But I want more."

"I guess a guy's gotta' be undead to make time with you."

Willow: "How'd it go?"
Xander: "On a scale of one to ten, it sucked."
Willow: "Oh."
Xander: "Well, I guess it could be worse. I could have gangrene on my face."

"The deal's done. The polls are in, and it's time for my concession speech."

"That's okay. I don't wanna' go. I'm just gonna' go home, lie down, and listen to country music: the music of pain."

Giles: "We stay calm, first thing."
Xander: "Calm?!"
Willow: "I think he's right."
Xander: "I'm sorry. Calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, but I'm freaked out and I intend to stay that way."

Xander: "You were looking at my neck."
Angel: "What?"
Xander: "You were checking out my neck, I saw that."
Angel: "No, I wasn't."
Xander: "Just keep your distance, pal."
Angel: "I wasn't looking at your neck."
Xander: "I told you to eat before we left."