Season One
Parting Gifts
Barney: You scared the heck out of me.
Cordelia: You? I scared you? Look in the mirror lately?
Barney: Every chance I get.
Barney: That's what you do, right? You help the helpless? You protect the, whaddya call ‘em, the . . . helpless.
Angel: Something like that.
Barney: I'm sensing a little performance anxiety here. Little trick: Picture everybody . . .
Cordelia: In their underwear.
Barney: I was gonna say dead, but hey, if that underwear thing works for ya . . .
Barney: First off, you should know -- right away, before there's any misunderstanding -- I'm a demon.
Angel: Appreciate your candor.
Barney: I just realized it's 3:45 in the afternoon. Middle of the day. If you're a vampire, why aren't you in your coffin?
Angel: A coffin. I hate that stereotype. You're a demon and you don't know anything about vampires?
Barney: Only what I learned from TV.
Angel: Vampires don't sleep in coffins. It's a misconception made popular by hack writers and ignorant media. In fact, you know, we can and do move around during the day, as long as we avoid direct sunlight. ‘K? Got it?
I don't think he's tracking me down to tell me that I won the Publisher's Clearinghouse.
Angel: It's been my experience that when one is being pursued that tenaciously, it's generally because the pursuer has a strong grievance against the pursued.
Barney: Hey, I never said I was a boy scout.
Angel: So you're a cheat.
Barney: I choose to think of it as going with my strengths.
I'm a demon. Sure, I'm evil. But, hey, I'm not, you know, evil.
Cordelia: (Kisses Barney) Maybe not every frog.
Barney: Boy, I gotta say, I like the way you people treat your clients.
Barney: You're frustrated.
Cordelia: That's one spooky talent you've got there. You can just look at me -- grinding my teeth, sighing, grunting -- and sense that I'm frustrated? Amazing.
Barney: It's pretty good at sensing sarcasm, too.
Cordelia: I'm never going to forgive him for doing this to me.
Barney: For what? Choosing you? Trusting you with an enormous responsibility? Believing that you were the only one worthy of such a rare and important gift?
Cordelia: Did I mention the drooling?
Barney: I get the impression Doyle didn't have much by way of possessions?
Cordelia: No. No, he didn't.
Barney: Seems like he gave you the most valuable thing he had.
You are now the proud owner of an authentic Taak horn. Stab your enemies with it. Hey! Stab your wife. It'll drain the life right out of ‘em. The power to drain a life force is an investment in peace of mind.
Barney: Going for 11, 000 once, twice. . .
Cordelia: Hey! You know you'd pay twice that for cataracts. These are flawless even without the stupid visions. Is that the best you can do?
Barney: Going for 12,000 . . .
Cordelia: You know what these eyes can do? They can, uh, see. . . stuff! Like, uh, danger and . . . and evil and locations of buried treasure!
Barney: 13,000! Do I hear. . .
Cordelia: C'mon! Have some huevos guy! Whitey here is steppin' all over you. You gonna take that from his kind?
Now, be a good girl and hold still. This will only hurt a lot.